Posted on April 10th, 2009 1 comment
Restoration of Restoration Continues Through Audio Recordings
Because the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is a restoration of the restoration screwed up by Joseph Smith (founder of the Latter Day Saint movement widely known for telling lies), the Angel Moron I has recently delivered to Moron Church Headquarters several crates of Plastic Cassette Audiotapes of conversations and interviews involving various leaders in the Latter Day Saint movement. “I haven’t counted the tapes, but a good many of them involve Joseph Smith,” said the angel. When asked why the tapes were being delivered now, Moron explained further, “Well, Joe screwed up so many things, and Brigham, well, just don’t get me started on that fool. Anyhow, since the time for the restoration of the restoration has come, the Big Guy Upstairs thought it would be useful for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, the One True Church, to use the information on the tapes to restore the restoration.”
The angel also explained that after church employees had made verbatim transcripts of the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (without making audio copies of them) they were to be returned to him so they could be placed with the Golden Plates in the Hill Cummorah. “I didn’t really have a good reason for putting the Golden Plates back in the side of the hill, but I want to be consistent about these things, so I’m taking these back also,” said Moron I.
When questioned about how audiotape recordings could have been made in the 19th century, Moron I explained, “This Latter Day Saint movement is all about anachronisms. Anachronisms don’t bother us because we know the kind of power the Big Guy Upstairs has. If it’s His will, it will be done.” The angel then went on to say that because there may be some few doubters that the tapes are legitimate, he has provided the photographic evidence above, as well as the “Testimony of the Three Witnesses” below. (He’s hoping to round up eight more equally reliable witnesses to produce a second witness statement in the near future.)
Testimony of the Three Witnesses
Be it known unto all folks everywhere: That we, with special permission from an angel we have seen the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes which contain interviews, conversations and other neat stuff involving Joseph Smith, Emma Smith, Brigham Young, the Angel Moron I, and others. And we also know that they have been recorded by the gift and power of the Big Guy Upstairs, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have heard a portion of the recordings with our spiritual ears by the power of the Big Guy Upstairs, and not of man. And we declare with words of soberness (despite the fact that we’ve all been drinking heavily this evening), that an angel came down from heaven, and he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes; and we know that it is by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs through the mediation of an angel that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of the Joseph Smith himself commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in doing this thing, we shall get more liquor from the angel, and be found drunk in an alley in the morning. And the honor be to Joseph Smith, and to the Angel, and to Adam from the Garden of Eden, which is one God. Amen.
S. Tommy Monsoon
Esra “Daffy” [surname withheld pending competency evaluation]
Cliff the Wino