Moron Church of Latter-day Saints

Meet Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

Oliver Chowder, additional counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently the appointment of Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages.  “This is an exciting time for us,” explained Chowder.  “When Joseph Smith screwed up the original restoration, he also incorrectly translated everything he touched.  Many of his incorrect translations are out-dated.  With the appointment of Chief False, we can now have our own much more modern incorrect translations.”

Chief False has extensive experience with the  Latter Day Saint movement, having been excluded from the COJCOLDS temple weddings of his siblings, nephews and nieces.  “The Mormons have excluded me from everything for years,” said False, “but that’s ok because it has given me lots of time and learn to interpret ancient pictures and languages just like Joseph Smith.  Like Brother Joseph, I have a VERY creative imagination.”

Chief False’s position is a staff position, not an ecclesiastical one, and as Department Head of the Mis-Interpretation Department, he will supervise up to one person.  He will report to Head Lackey and All-around Doofus, Cliff the Wino.  False’s interpretations will not be considered scripture, unless and until ratified as such by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.   False will have full telephathic access to the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes.  False will also be responsible for maintaining the incontinence protection supplies (adult diapers) used by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  In a previous incarnation, Chief False was sometimes known as javageek22.

Greetings from Steve Yawn!

Hello all you wonderful brothers and sisters. Right now, I thought I’d drop by and grace you all with my presence for just a few moments. Me and Tom L. Hairy are going to Bingo in just a few minutes, but I told him that the Moron Church comes first. Of course, after he guilted me into doing what he wants, I had to oblige. I certainly wouldn’t want to appear unwilling to sacrfice and serve my fellow men, now would I? So, I will be leaving now. I just had to make one quick ‘Hello’ post because that conscience of mine was tearing me up. I’ll come by again later and let you all know how Bingo went!

Moron Church Hires Arm Chair Quarterback Steve Yawn

New Moron Church Arm Chair Quarterback Steve Yawn is shown here playing in the famous "Rain Bowl" a few years ago. Yawn's team won, when all the players on the other team drowned.

President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, convened a press conference in the men’s restroom at a rest area on Interstate 40 near Weatherford, Oklahoma recently to announce Steve Yawn has been hired as the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints new Arm Chair Quarterback. “Yawn played some sport or other,” said Pecker, demonstrating his keen grasp of details. Pecker was then trundled into the handicapped stall where he was instructed to urinate or have to wear a diaper for the return trip to the Moron Church compound.

Readers are probably familiar with the college and pro football standout Steve Yawn, who was better than Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Joe Gilliam, Joe Flacco, and all other quarterbacks named Joe combined. The wiry left hander could handle himself both on and off the field. Yawn is excited about assuming the position with the Moron Church. “I’m ready to get back into the game,” he said, “I like the action.” Yawn’s position will involve sitting in a chair, and sometimes writing something for the Moron Church’s exciting and informative website. Yawn’s immediate supervisor will be Cliff the Wino, and Yawn will not have keys to the church liquor cabinet.  In a break with tradition, the Moron Church hired someone who actually has some knowledge, skills, or ability in the area for which they were hired.  Yawn has been a frequent poster on ExMormonForums under the pseudonym Tommy Tummus, and will now make contributions to this website.

Please look for Yawn’s first exciting post in the near future.

First Presidency Thanks COJCOLDS Leadership for Embracing Moronism

President Henry Eyeball

President Eyeball then magnanimously invited all of the COJCOLDS General Authorities to come to the Moron Church compound for a joint meeting. “We could watch some old Gilligan’s Islands videotapes,” he said, “but if any of you have a DVD player and want to bring it and some other videos, that would be fine also.”

President Eyeball assured the invitees that would be plenty of food. “We have lots of cheese,” he said,
‘we just have to go around and collect it out of the mousetraps.”

No date for the joint meeting has yet been set.

Moron Church now has Facebook Page

Here’s the announcement of our new Facebook page

Gordon Hinckley Wants to Be a Moron

Flat Lander Hired as New Church Spokesperson

Flat Lander, a prominent member of our church, has now been abducted, brought to the compound and forced to accept the position of hired as our Official Church Spokesperson.  In a press release, President S. Tommy Monsoon said of Flat Lander’s abduction hiring, “Is that the fat guy with the beard, all the hair, and those big glasses?”

Flat Lander’s experience as an official spokesperson is unknown, but President Monsoon has high hopes for him.  Referring to Flat Lander’s future with the church, Monsoon said: “Geez, we don’t have to feed that guy do we?”

Below is a video Flat Lander prepared announcing and explaining his new position.

Stop Calling Oaks a Moron

The Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has now released this video regarding COJCOLDS apostle Dallin H. Oaks in an effort to make it clear that he is in no way associated or affiliated with this church.

Brother of Jared Takes Over After Jared’s Suspicious Death

Jared Ackerman, former Co-Rector of Righteousness, presumed murderd by one or more of our General Authorities.

The First Presidency of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is saddened to announce the death of Jared Ackerman, who along with his brother, Mohanri “Morrie” Ackerman has served as Co-Rector of Righteousness.  The Co-Rector’s main duties are to screen the public remarks of our General Authorities before they give them when possible, and afterwards when necessary.  Co-Recting a bunch of senile or just plain nasty or stupid General Authorities can be dangerous work.  Evidence is mounting that one or more of the General Authorities poisoned dear “Brother Jared.”  Naturally, everyone assumes that President Boyle K. Pecker was involved in the murder.

Mohanri "Morrie" Ackerman will serve as the Rector of Righteousness.

Morrie Ackerman will continue on alone, serving as Rector of Righteousness.  Brother Ackerman has stated on more than one occasion, “I’m not afraid of those crazy old bastards, and when they say stupid or racist or nasty stuff, I’ll delete it from the record.”  The position has been deemed as warranted especially in light of the attention and criticism of other Latter Day Saint churches (mostly the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for racist and homophobic comments.  This is not a new phenomenon.  In the past, the lack of a team of Co-Rectors has led to all kinds of publicly damning actions such as the institution of polygamy, denying the priesthood to non-white males, and most famously Joseph Smith’s botched attempt in the Restoration.

“We are convinced,” said Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “that Co-Recting our General Authorities is the right thing to do, and will lead to a full and complete restoration of the restoration originally screwed up by Joseph Smith.”

Cultural Exchange and Sleep Over

Pope & Mope Work a Crowd Together

Our friends at the Salamander Society have produced this genuine photograph of Pope Benedict XVI and President Thomas S. Monson, President Number XVI of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, waving to crowds in Rome after the Pope hosted Monson for a sleep over recently.  Apparently the two crazy kids thought it would be fun to swap religious clothing for a few hours.  Shortly after the above picture was taken, the two changed into cut-off shorts and T-shirts and went bike riding around Rome.  Moron Church of Latter-day Saints Prophet for Eternity Gordon B. Hinky was invited to attend the sleepover, but declined, because he is dead.

Mormon and Catholic Church spokespeople refused to give specifics of what the Pope and “Mope” did during the sleep over, but S’mores, pillow fights, and experimenting with makeup were on the agenda.  Practical jokes were thought to be part of the night’s entertainment as well, but the spokespeople quickly quieted that rumor by saying the Pope always sleeps with toothpaste in his hair, and President Monson was already planning to get a tattoo reading “Kiss Me I’m Swedish.”