Moron Church of Latter-day Saints

Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Flat Lander Interviews Jeffrey R. Holland of COJCOLDS

    Posted on April 24th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Leaders, Videos No comments

    Below (in two parts) is an interview between our Presiding Bishop Flat Lander, and COJCOLDS Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland.  In the first part of the interview Holland speaks candidly about Boyd K. Packer, and in the second interview he testifies of the divine inspiration of the writings of Jim Jones and David Koresh.

  • The Need For a Talisman

    Posted on April 14th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Miracles 3 comments

    Officer Morris Swanson and his very fast horse, Ligthning, shortly after stopping Priestess Peace Finnegan for doing 86 in a 65 mile per hour zone.
    Officer Morris Swanson and his very fast horse, Lightning, shortly after stopping Priestess Peace Finnegan for doing 86 in a 65 mile per hour zone.

    Protected Again

    by Peace Finnegan
    Priestess of Talismanic Protection
    Moron Church Department of Revenue

    Something happened to me the other day. I was saved. There is no rational explanation for it. It has happened before.

    A few days ago I was pulled over by the state trooper going 21 miles mph over the posted speed limit. This has happened to me before and I was let go with just a warning. However, I was certain that this time I would receive the ticket that I deserved. Surprisingly, I was spared, once again from the speeding ticket. As I was trying to figure out why I was saved and not others I came to the only logical solution, I must be wearing a protective talisman.

    As I pondered this situation and my seemingly good fortune with state troopers, I began to wonder if perhaps I was wearing something that was protecting me. As I looked back over the 20 years that I had been married, I have been pulled over at least five times for speeding. Yet, each time, I was given a warning and sent on my way. I came to the conclusion that my wedding ring was a talisman.

    It truly has magical powers that I believe my Heavenly Mother has given me to protect me from any and all kinds of danger. I know this to be true because I have witnessed this protection time and time again, when I was spared getting a ticket because I was wearing the magical wedding ring.

    I want to share this message with the world and wish all to receive it. All of you will want your very own special ring to wear. I know that our loving Heavenly Mother will protect you from harm. I bear my personal testimony that she has protected me. Think of the money you will save in speeding tickets. I am positive there are blessings that I am completely unaware of that she a seen fit to give me.

    All you need to do is to give 9% of your increase to Heavenly Mother (I handle Heavenly Mother’s finances). She has done so much for you and you are indebted to her forever. Once you do that, you will then be eligible to buy your own ring just like mine. It will save you just as it has saved me over and over again. Without a shadow of a doubt I testify of this truthfulness. If you will humble yourself as a little child, you will see that what I speak is true. Think of your family. You wouldn’t want something to happen to them or you.

    Remember the story of Moses. The Israelites only needed to look at the brass serpent to be saved. And yet, some of them did not. Don’t be like the wicked Israelites. Be a believer.

  • The True Order of Prayer

    Posted on April 6th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Videos No comments

  • Andrew Callahan’s Testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith

    Posted on April 6th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Uncategorized 2 comments

  • Interview with a unicorn

    Posted on March 27th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Happenings, Miracles, Videos 1 comment

    In this YouTube video Flat Lander tries to interview Benee Kent of the ExMo Radio show, but ends up talking to a unicorn.

  • Our First Ever Membership Drive

    Posted on February 23rd, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Videos No comments

    Below is the first video announcing our first ever Membership Drive. I’m the one who played the trumpet in the video. – Cliff

  • Divine Visitations Coming Soon

    Posted on February 18th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Happenings, Leaders, Miracles, Other Leaders, Press Release No comments

    We are pleased to announce that we have made arrangements for several Divine Visitations in the not too distant future. After extensive negotiations, exact dates of the visitations have not been firmed up, but the preconditions required for the visitations have been agreed to.

    White Salamander

    White Salamander

    1. When the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints fan page on Facebook reaches 1000 fans, the angel Moron I and his unicorn White Salamander will visit three cities and two small towns in Utah offering rides to children under 100 lbs.. For each additional 1000 fans to the Facebook page, Moron I and White Salamander will visit three cities and two small towns in one additional states, on this list: California, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Maine, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois. Once the number of Facebook fans reaches 10,000, Moron I and White Salamander will begin visiting all 50 US states, all of the provinces and territories of Canada, and a few other English speaking countries.

    Jesus

    Jesus

    2. When the total number of subscribers to the Moron Church’ YouTube channel reaches 1,000 Jesus will visit Hastings, Nebraska. When the number of subscribers reaches 10,000, Jesus will visit Salt Lake City and attempt to get an audience with the COJCOLDS First Presidency to set them straight on a few things.

    3. When the total number of views of the Moron Church’s YouTube videos reaches 25,000 Jesus’s dad will travel to Rome to seek an audience with the Pope, and will invite religious leaders from hundreds of Christian, Jewish and Muslim sects and cults to attend.

    His Noodliness

    His Noodliness

    4. When the total number of views of the Moron Church’s YouTube videos reaches 1 million, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will personally appear at the United Nations building in New York City, and summon all world leaders to attend and be instructed in the true order of pasta, and the establishment of a Noodly way of life for everyone, in a world free from hunger, hatred and disease.

    ACTION ITEMS:

    Please help spread the word.

    Share links to this page. Post links to our Facebook fan page, our YouTube channel and our website on your blogs, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking.

    Become a fan of the Moron Church Facebook page

    Become a fan of the Moron Church Facebook Fan Page and invite all your friends and family to do the same. Post comments, photos and links to the fan page’s wall.

    Subscribe to the Moron Church’s YouTube channel:

    Subscribe to the Moron Church’s YouTube channel
    and invite all your friends and family to do the same.

    Visit the Moron Church website

    With many fascinating and educational pages of the Moron Church website you will want to  share links with your friends to your favorite parts.   Be sure to post your comments so that others may be edified.

    Share links to individual Moron Church YouTube videos

    Family, friends, neighbors and co-workers will be blessed by watching these faith-promoting videos.

    A Noodly First Vision

    Law of Tithing Repealed

    Touring the Moron Church Temple

    Moron Church Has Facebook Page

    Gordon Hinckley Wants to Be a Moron

    Stop Calling Dallin H. Oaks a Moron

    Flat Lander’s New Gig

    We need everyone’s help to accomplish these important goals and bring these great blessings to the Earth.

    Won’t you please do all you can? . . . . I knew you would.

  • A Noodly First Vision

    Posted on February 15th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Leaders, Miracles, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes, Videos 4 comments

    Flat Lander talks about his release from captivity (and doesn’t even mention me) and then explains the relationship between Mormonism and Pastafarianism.

  • Flat Lander and Cliff the Wino Freed

    Posted on December 4th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Happenings 2 comments

    Hi, Cliff here with word that Flat Lander and I have been freed.  Flat Lander put this statement on his Facebook page:

    “I have been freed from the Moron Church compound. Attached is a newspaper article with some information. I hope share more information soon. Just for now, thanks for everyone’s concern. It’s great to be free!”

    Here is the link to that newspaper article.  “Man Freed from ‘Crazy Mormon Cult'” Now, I know that lots of you have been worried about Flat Lander, and no one gives a fig about me, but I’m homeless again as a result of this.  I understand Flat Lander and his family are homeless, too.  But, nonetheless, I want to bear my testimony.  I know Joseph Smith screwed up the restoration of the gospel, and that through the Moron Church we had a chance to get it right.  Amen.

  • Patriarchal Blessings Now On Sale

    Posted on December 1st, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Happenings, Other Leaders, Press Release No comments
    Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard

    Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard

    Moron Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard announced today that Patriarchal Blessings are now on sale for the special reduced price of $16.99 (a savings of $8.01) to anyone who wants one. Persons desiring (and paying for) a Patriarchal Blessing need not be members of any Latter Day Saint church, or be worthy in any way. They simply need to be desirous of knowing what the Lord God of the Universe has in mind for them, and they must pay the fee in advance.

    Please contact the Moron Church via e-mail at moronchurch@gmail.com for instructions on how to submit payment. The Patriarchal Blessing will be sent out via return e-mail after payment has been received. In the Patriarchal Blessing you can expect to be told all sorts of valuable information about your future, both in this life and in the one to come. Patriarch Howard will personally supervise the random assignment of catch phrases to ultimately be assembled and e-mailed to each recipient. Patriarchal Blessings offered by the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints supersede patriarchal blessings from any other church (especially COJCOLDS, but including the Community of Christ–where they call them Evangelist Blessings).

    Order your Patriarchal Blessing now. This sale won’t last.

    No coupon necessary.  Not valid with any other offer.  Must be 18 to apply.  Not all applicants will qualify for our best financing terms.  See store for details.  Purchaser responsible for all taxes, tariffs and duties.  For entertainment purposes only.