BFL: Congratulations on your baptism in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, Gordon.

HINCKLEY: Does this cancel my baptism in COJCOLDS?

BFL: We can put in a cancellation for you if you wish.

HINCKLEY: Yes, please do.

BFL: Not a problem. You had quite a bit of administrative experience when you were alive, we were thinking of putting you to work for us now.

HINCKLEY: Go F—– Yourself!

BFL: Oh.

HINCKLEY: I’m dead and I’m not working a regular job ever again.

BFL: Fair enough, how about a position as a part-time consultant?

HINCKLEY: What’s it pay?

BFL: What do you want?

HINCKLEY: I’ll get back to you on that. When do I start?

BFL: Right now. Our membership drive isn’t going quite as well as we would like. Do you have any insights on how we can increase our numbers?

HINCKLEY: In COJCOLDS we mostly used deception and guilt.

BFL: We have standards.

HINCKLEY: Then why did you hire me?

BFL: Maybe you could just tell me some of COJCOLDS’s biggest secrets.

HINCKLEY: Monson is an ass.

BFL: I knew that.

HINCKLEY: Packer and Oaks hate each other and both are pure evil.

BFL: I knew that too.

HINCKLEY: Anything else I can help you with?

BFL: I’ll get back to you on that.

The Official Smithmas Card for 2010

For a larger version of the Smithmas card go here.

Most Excellent Potentate (shown here impersonating the Governor of California) has been appointed Vice Bishop in the Moron Church

Most Excellent Potentate (known to some as “Oh Say What Is Truth”) has been appointed to the recently created important office of President of Apostolic Vices and Vice Bishop for Public Nudity, Licentiousness and Carnality.   In this role he will serve as the President of the Quorum of Apostolic Vices and will serve without counselors.  Because of this, his duties will be very “hands on” with all Apostolic Vices and will be responsible for personally watching and engaging in a variety of Apostolic Vice actions.

Members of the Quorum of Apostolic Vices will be known as Vice Apostles with special assignments to “touch” both the lives and the bodies of members desiring to be so touched.  The Vice Apostles will help members get that “special feeling” that can often only be accomplished by applying warm, scented oil in certain special ways.

The Moron Church is now accepting applications for membership in the Quorum of Apostolic Vices.  Please submit a résumé and appropriate video evidence of your qualifications.  Veterans, minorities, women and amputees are encouraged to apply.  Registered sex offenders will only be considered for positions in the afterlife.  Void where prohibited by law.     Position requires multiple organ donations, cultivation of open sores on legs, arms and neck, and handling toxic waste in the nude.  These positions are all “church service” (volunteer) positions with no salary, health benefits or food or travel reimbursement.  All church employees must live the standards of the church and are subject to body cavity searches without warning at any time, while at work or while away from work.

Proclamation of Apology

to Latter Day Saint Women and Girls,

Past, Present and Future

To all Latter Day Saint Women and Girls, Past, Present and Future:

The Latter Day Saint tradition of relegating women and girls to subservient positions and denying them equality with men in all matters is abhorrent and unjustifiable, and for this and all similar acts in the past and those that are on-going at this time, we apologize, and pledge to do all within our power to end this practice immediately.

Much of the inappropriate treatment of women and girls in the Latter Day Saint movement can be traced directly to the Latter Day Saints founding Prophet, Joseph Smith, Jr., whose reprehensible actions toward women and girls knew no bounds.  The depravity of the Prophet Joseph and his close associates included polygamy, rape, sexual molestation, coercion, physical and mental abuse, forced abortions, intimidation, theft, smear campaigns against virtuous women, and many other grave injustices.  These acts have been continued, unfortunately, by many men and leaders in the Latter Day Saint movement for the last 180 years.  These acts have been largely denied, covered up, ignored or otherwise minimized by Latter Day Saint churches and their leaders.  The acts of the perpetrators were wrong and are wrong and should never have taken place.  Bishops, stake presidents, general authorities and other church leaders who were in any way complicit in aiding the perpetrators from evading justice or who did not take strong action to protect the victims, were also wrong.  For all these egregious wrongful acts we offer our deepest apologies and pledge to immediately take corrective action.

And, for the myriad ways the institutions and leaders of the Latter Day Saint movement taught women and girls to feel inadequate or inferior, or discouraged women and girls from reaching their full potential, or in any way demeaned, disparaged, damaged, harmed, injured or diminished any Latter Day Saint woman or girl, we profoundly apologize and pledge to discontinue all such practices immediately.

We further promise that we will do better, and we ask you to hold us to that promise.

Proclaimed before God, angels, and various witnesses,
this 24th Day of September, 2010 by

Andrew D. Callahan
Executive Director
Latter Day Saint Coalition
for and on behalf of all churches and leaders
of the Latter Day Saint movement worldwide, past, present and future.

Click to download a PDF copy of the Proclamation of Apology to Latter Day Saint Women

Click to download a copy of the Proclamation of Apology to Latter Day Saint Women

Here’s a link to that letter:
http://usu-shaft.com/2010/byu-censors-letter-to-the-editor-critical-of-prop-8/