Moron Church of Latter-day Saints

Mormons and Oral Sex

admin — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 16:28:46 +0000

The subject of what sexual practices are permitted between married couples is a frequent, if taboo, discussion topic among curious members of various fundamental religious groups, like Mormons. Here, I share a perspective on Mormonism and Oral Sex.

Mormons are Normal and Mainstream

admin — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 19:45:31 +0000

COJCOLDS has a new public relations campaign to help show how normal and mainstream Mormons are. We want to help.

New Church Manual Now Available

admin — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 17:43:18 +0000

New Church Manual available to Latter Day Saints just received from the planet Kolob in the Celestial Kingdom. This manual has been updated as of July 28, 2010 to offer even more important insights than it did before. Future updates are expected. Check back frequently.

UPDATED VERSION - July 28, 2010

Our friends at the Church of Intergalactic Jesus of Apocalyptic-times Saints have published a new manual (and it was actually produced on the planet Kolob in the Celestial Kingdom!) and have graciously allowed us to make it available to all Latter Day Saints on Earth. The new updated version comes with the following warning from its publisher

***WARNING***

This pamphlet might offend you if you are:

Black

Female

Gay

Asian

Poor

An Astronaut

To get the complete seven-page pamphlet/manual in PDF form, click here.

This manual has the power to change lives. Please download it, and share it with everyone you know. If you are a member of a Latter Day Saint church, please produce copies of this and distribute it to your fellow church members, through ward and stake newsletters and bulletins, etc.

Unconfirmed reports are that COJCOLDS approves the distribution of this pamphlet, because there is a picture of Thomas S. Monson in the manual, so if you are a member of COJCOLDS, you can probably feel comfortable that you have permission to distribute this to people at church and by any means possible.

We Latter Day Saints must do all we can to Bring the World It’s Truth! So, I say, Come, Come Ye Saints, Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel, and Do What Is Right!

Video Conference of Religious Leaders

admin — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 18:38:34 +0000

Here is the video from our recent conference.

Improving Home Teaching

Cliff the Wino — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 03:31:23 +0000

Bishop Flat Lander outlines a new and improved home teaching program.

Washings and Anointings - Temple Education Series

Cliff the Wino — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 05:12:17 +0000

Another of our educational videos.

Flat Lander Interviews Jeffrey R. Holland of COJCOLDS

Cliff the Wino — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 00:47:22 +0000

Below (in two parts) is an interview between our Presiding Bishop Flat Lander, and COJCOLDS Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland. In the first part of the interview Holland speaks candidly about Boyd K. Packer, and in the second interview he testifies of the divine inspiration of the writings of Jim Jones and David Koresh.

The Need For a Talisman

Cliff the Wino — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 18:14:12 +0000

Officer Morris Swanson and his very fast horse, Lightning, shortly after stopping Priestess Peace Finnegan for doing 86 in a 65 mile per hour zone.

Protected Again

by Peace Finnegan
Priestess of Talismanic Protection
Moron Church Department of Revenue

Something happened to me the other day. I was saved. There is no rational explanation for it. It has happened before.

A few days ago I was pulled over by the state trooper going 21 miles mph over the posted speed limit. This has happened to me before and I was let go with just a warning. However, I was certain that this time I would receive the ticket that I deserved. Surprisingly, I was spared, once again from the speeding ticket. As I was trying to figure out why I was saved and not others I came to the only logical solution, I must be wearing a protective talisman.

As I pondered this situation and my seemingly good fortune with state troopers, I began to wonder if perhaps I was wearing something that was protecting me. As I looked back over the 20 years that I had been married, I have been pulled over at least five times for speeding. Yet, each time, I was given a warning and sent on my way. I came to the conclusion that my wedding ring was a talisman.

It truly has magical powers that I believe my Heavenly Mother has given me to protect me from any and all kinds of danger. I know this to be true because I have witnessed this protection time and time again, when I was spared getting a ticket because I was wearing the magical wedding ring.

I want to share this message with the world and wish all to receive it. All of you will want your very own special ring to wear. I know that our loving Heavenly Mother will protect you from harm. I bear my personal testimony that she has protected me. Think of the money you will save in speeding tickets. I am positive there are blessings that I am completely unaware of that she a seen fit to give me.

All you need to do is to give 9% of your increase to Heavenly Mother (I handle Heavenly Mother’s finances). She has done so much for you and you are indebted to her forever. Once you do that, you will then be eligible to buy your own ring just like mine. It will save you just as it has saved me over and over again. Without a shadow of a doubt I testify of this truthfulness. If you will humble yourself as a little child, you will see that what I speak is true. Think of your family. You wouldn’t want something to happen to them or you.

Remember the story of Moses. The Israelites only needed to look at the brass serpent to be saved. And yet, some of them did not. Don’t be like the wicked Israelites. Be a believer.

The True Order of Prayer

Cliff the Wino — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 05:33:57 +0000

Andrew Callahan’s Testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith

Cliff the Wino — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 05:32:13 +0000