Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
RSS icon Email icon Home icon
  • A Noodly First Vision

    Posted on February 15th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Leaders, Miracles, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes, Videos 4 comments

    Flat Lander talks about his release from captivity (and doesn’t even mention me) and then explains the relationship between Mormonism and Pastafarianism.

  • Meet Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

    Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

    Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

    Oliver Chowder, additional counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently the appointment of Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages.  “This is an exciting time for us,” explained Chowder.  “When Joseph Smith screwed up the original restoration, he also incorrectly translated everything he touched.  Many of his incorrect translations are out-dated.  With the appointment of Chief False, we can now have our own much more modern incorrect translations.”

    Chief False has extensive experience with the  Latter Day Saint movement, having been excluded from the COJCOLDS temple weddings of his siblings, nephews and nieces.  “The Mormons have excluded me from everything for years,” said False, “but that’s ok because it has given me lots of time and learn to interpret ancient pictures and languages just like Joseph Smith.  Like Brother Joseph, I have a VERY creative imagination.”

    Chief False’s position is a staff position, not an ecclesiastical one, and as Department Head of the Mis-Interpretation Department, he will supervise up to one person.  He will report to Head Lackey and All-around Doofus, Cliff the Wino.  False’s interpretations will not be considered scripture, unless and until ratified as such by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.   False will have full telephathic access to the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes.  False will also be responsible for maintaining the incontinence protection supplies (adult diapers) used by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  In a previous incarnation, Chief False was sometimes known as javageek22.

  • Partial Transcript Released

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Transcripts No comments

    The General Authorities and staff members of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints have been busy listening to many of  the Plastic Cassette Audio Tapes (see story here) that have been recently delivered to Church Headquarters, that production of actual transcripts of the tapes has been rather slow going.  Here is a partial transcript of a tape.  It provides insights (but no definitive proof or answers) as to how the Prophet Joseph screwed up the restoration so badly. Please note: although all tapes are labeled and appear to be dated, the labels and dates do not correspond to any known numbering or calendaring system, those numbers and dates are provided here to verify their authenticity.

    Tape Number: Tickle Me, Emma, Tickle Me Right There

    Date of Recording: Blood, Sausage, Virgins and Liquor

    MORON:    It is time.  We must plan the restoration.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, hi, Angel Dude.  My seer stone told me you were coming.

    MORON:    It talks now?

    JOSEPH:    Sometimes.  Sure, talks, lights up, plays music, I can even send messages on it to others who have seer stones.

    MORON:    I’m sure that will come in handy, now, the Big Guy Upstairs sent me to talk about planning the restoration.

    JOSEPH:    I’m ready, what’s first?

    MORON:    Maybe you should get a pen and paper, you know, take some notes.  It’s kinda complicated.

    JOSEPH:    Not to worry, I have a photographic memory.

    MORON:    I am worried, photography hasn’t been invented yet.  Get a pencil.

    JOSEPH:    Look, Angel, how could I possibly screw this up with both you and the Big Guy Upstairs directing me.

    MORON:    You’ll find a way.

    JOSEPH:    I don’t need to take notes.

    MORON:    Fine, how’s the translation coming?

    JOSEPH:    Translation?

    MORON:    Yeah, how far have you progressed?

    JOSEPH:    Remind me again about this translation.

    MORON:    The gold plates.  I gave you gold plates to translate, remember.

    JOSEPH:    Vaguely.

    MORON:    It’s only been two weeks.  How could you have forgotten?

    JOSEPH:    No, no, I haven’t forgotten, they’re around here somewhere.

    MORON:    Well, let’s take a look at them, we can work on the translation together.

    JOSEPH:    I’m not sure where they are right at the moment.

    MORON:    Well you better find them.

    [background noises, people moving around, moving furniture, etc.]

    JOSEPH:    Here they are.  Is this them?

    MORON:    That’s the Bible.  It’s already been translated.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, I meant this.

    MORON:    That’s “View of the Hebrews” by Ethan Smith.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, yeah, well, those plates are around here somewhere, don’t you worry.

    MORON:    We’re supposed to be planning the restoration of the Gospel.  Those plates are a big part of that.

    JOSEPH:    Yeah, I know that.  I’ve got them, they’re here somewhere.

    EMMA:    Joseph, time for dinner.

    JOSEPH:    Hey, look, Angel, can you come back in a few days or something, I’ve got to go to dinner.

    MORON:    [Expletive redacted]

    EMMA:    Joseph, NOW!

    JOSEPH:    Really, I gotta go, but I’ll get right on that translation thing, first chance I get.

  • Corrections Received for “The Spirit of God”

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes No comments

    The Plastic Cassette Audiotapes are continuing to produce fascinating new information about the continuing restoration of the restoration originally screwed up by Joseph Smith.  Recently information about the classic hymn “The Spirit of God” written by early Latter Day Saint, W.W. Phelps was gleaned by listening to a meeting of Joseph Smith, W.W. Phelps, and the Angel Moron One.

    The first stanza as usually sung (below) contains a few errors.

    The Spirit of God like a fire is burning;
    The latter day glory begins to come forth;
    The visions and blessings of old are returning;
    The angels are coming to visit the earth.

    The first line should make reference not to God’s spirit burning, but to his “shirt” being on fire.  Apparently God was smoking in bed and caught his shirt on fire.

    The second line attempted to explain that Smith organized the church on the wrong day, instead of April 6th, he should have formed it on the fourth as explained in the following correct transcription of the second line:

    The latter day glory begins on April fourth.

    The corrected third and fourth lines of the first stanza give some indication as to why the errors occurred in the first place.

    The old blurry vision is returning
    The beer and ale is making us burp.

    Here is the chorus as usually sung:

    We’ll sing and we’ll shout with the armies of heaven:
    Hosanna, hosanna to God and the Lamb!
    Let glory to them in the highest be given,
    Henceforth and forever: amen and amen!

    but here is the corrected version.

    We’ll drink some stout with the armies, by heaven!
    Oh shit, oh shit, the bartender wants to be paid.
    Get Gloria to give him her [censored]
    Third, fourth and forever, Oh man!  Oh man!

    The rest of the verses are equally appalling, and the song will be removed from the hymnal at the next printing.  Patrons may wish remove this hymn from existing hymnals.

  • 116 Missing Tapes!

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes No comments

    Shocking Development – History Repeats Itself!

    The Plastic Cassette Audiotapes have been revealing and restoring incredible amounts of information in the short time since they were delivered to Church Headquarters by the angel Moron I.  Stunning news was discovered just recently that 116 of the Large Tapes of Moron I have been lost.

    “When listening to some of the Small Tapes of Moron I we were very surprised to learn that the first 116 recordings made of the Large Tapes of Moron I have been lost,” said a stunned President Dieter F. Achtung of the First Presidency at a hastily called news conference.  “As soon as we discovered this, President Monsoon immediately began a series of magic incantations including hopping on one foot to summon the angel Moron I back to explain how this could have happened,” continued Achtung.  “Unfortunately that didn’t work, but Henry [Eyeball, First Counselor in the First Presidency] had Moron I’s cell phone number and called him up and left a voice mail message.  We are waiting for him to call back.”

    Achtung explained that the First Presidency takes it as a sign from the Big Guy Upstairs that the number of tapes missing (116) is the same number as the number of pages that went missing when Joseph initially screwed up the original restoration.

    UPDATE: Moron I has called President Eyeball back, but Eyeball was talking to certain female cyclops known to be considering joining the church, so Eyeball let the angel’s call go to voice mail.  The voice mail message seems to say that nothing of any significance was lost in the original 116 tapes, but the message is difficult to understand because Moron I seemed to be riding a motorcycle while eating tortilla chips and talking all at the same time.

    SECOND UPDATE: Moron I left another voice mail message for Eyeball about the missing 116 tapes, this time he was difficult to understand because he may have been drunk, but it sounded like he said a curelom ate the missing tapes.

    More information will be provided when available.

  • New Priesthood Forthcoming

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes No comments

    Blessings from the Recently Received Plastic Cassette Audiotapes

    “Faith-affirming!”  “Testimony building.”  “A true blessing from heaven.” These are just a few comments from Moron Church of Latter-day Saints General Authorities, church employees and a few people we don’t know, who have been eagerly listening to tapes delivered recently by the Angel Moron I containing interviews and conversations from the 19th Century.  (See details here.) So far, many of the Moronic teachings of the Latter Day Saint movement have been confirmed, but new teachings previously unknown in Moronic or Latter Day Saint circles have been uncovered as well.

    “Apparently Joseph Smith had a number of conversations about how to proceed with the restoration late at night with the angel Moron I while Joe was stinking drunk,” said Oliver Chowder of the First Presidency.  “And after he had slept it off, he couldn’t remember clearly what they had talked about the night before.”

    The first major teaching that will be restored as a result of the Plastic Cassette Audiotape recordings will be an entire additional priesthood will be announced at the next General Conference.  “We’ll be very excited to announce the Salad Priesthood,” said Elder James E. Talcum of the Twelve.  “So far we don’t know too much about it, other than it is what is known as a ‘complementary priesthood’ that can be served with either the Aaronic or Melchizedek Priesthoods.  We do know that is related to the Word of Wisdom, and that the three offices within the Salad Priesthood are “Crisp Lettuce,” “Chilled Snow Pea,” and “Sliced Tomato.”  Talcum went on to explain that we aren’t sure which heavenly messengers appeared to Joseph Smith to restore the Salad Priesthood, “but from the accents we’re guessing that one of them was a talking cucumber.”

    (See related story “Temple Ordinances to be Restored“)

  • Temple Ordinances To Be Restored

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes 2 comments

    Continued Restorations Resulting from the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes

    Exciting restorations continue to be found in the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (see story here) recently delivered to the Church HQ.  Two temple ordinances that should have been restored to the earth during the time of Joseph Smith will be added during the next major revision of temple services scheduled for later this year.  “The ordinances of the ‘back rub’ and the ‘foot massage’ were never properly restored,” said Henry Eyeball of the First Presidency.  “When the angel Moron I was giving instructions to Joseph Smith about these ordinances, the Prophet can be heard snoring, so he apparently just missed these two ordinances.”

    “Both the back rub and the foot massage will be performed in conjunction with temple wedding and sealing ceremonies,” said Eyeball.  “In each case it is the husband who gives the back rub or foot massage to the wife while reciting a specific prayer.”  Eyeball said that due to the sacred nature of the prayer, the words are not being made public at this time, but he did indicate that couples would be permitted to perform these ordinances in the privacy of their own homes at their own discretion.

    Eyeball offered a few more tidbits about the new ordinances, “While the back rub ordinance is only for the living, the foot massage ordinance can be performed vicariously for the dead.  This is because there is a lot of walking in the Celestial Kingdom,” he said.  “God hasn’t put in public transit yet, so people get a lot of sore feet in heaven.”

    (See related story “New Priesthood Forthcoming.”)

  • Audio Recordings Delivered

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Happenings, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes 1 comment

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Restoration of Restoration Continues Through Audio Recordings

    Because the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is a restoration of the restoration screwed up by Joseph Smith (founder of the Latter Day Saint movement widely known for telling lies), the Angel Moron I has recently delivered to Moron Church Headquarters several crates of Plastic Cassette Audiotapes of conversations and interviews involving various leaders in the Latter Day Saint movement.  “I haven’t counted the tapes, but a good many of them involve Joseph Smith,” said the angel.  When asked why the tapes were being delivered now, Moron explained further, “Well, Joe screwed up so many things, and Brigham, well, just don’t get me started on that fool.  Anyhow, since the time for the restoration of the restoration has come, the Big Guy Upstairs thought it would be useful for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, the One True Church, to use the information on the tapes to restore the restoration.”

    The angel also explained that after church employees had made verbatim transcripts of the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (without making audio copies of them) they were to be returned to him so they could be placed with the Golden Plates in the Hill Cummorah.  “I didn’t really have a good reason for putting the Golden Plates back in the side of the hill, but I want to be consistent about these things, so I’m taking these back also,” said Moron I.

    When questioned about how audiotape recordings could have been made in the 19th century, Moron I explained, “This Latter Day Saint movement is all about anachronisms.  Anachronisms don’t bother us because we know the kind of power the Big Guy Upstairs has.  If it’s His will, it will be done.”  The angel then went on to say that because there may be some few doubters that the tapes are legitimate, he has provided the photographic evidence above, as well as the “Testimony of the Three Witnesses” below.  (He’s hoping to round up eight more equally reliable witnesses to produce a second witness statement in the near future.)

    Testimony of the Three Witnesses

    Be it known unto all folks everywhere: That we, with special permission from an angel we have seen the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes which contain interviews, conversations and other neat stuff involving Joseph Smith, Emma Smith, Brigham Young, the Angel Moron I, and others. And we also know that they have been recorded by the gift and power of the Big Guy Upstairs, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have heard a portion of the recordings with our spiritual ears by the power of the Big Guy Upstairs, and not of man. And we declare with words of soberness (despite the fact that we’ve all been drinking heavily this evening), that an angel came down from heaven, and he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes; and we know that it is by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs through the mediation of an angel that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of the Joseph Smith himself commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in doing this thing, we shall get more liquor from the angel, and be found drunk in an alley in the morning.  And the honor be to Joseph Smith, and to the Angel, and to Adam from the Garden of Eden, which is one God. Amen.

    S. Tommy Monsoon
    Esra “Daffy” [surname withheld pending competency evaluation]
    Cliff the Wino