Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • New Church Manual Now Available

    Posted on July 23rd, 2010 admin    Miracles 3 comments
    New Church Manual available to Latter Day Saints just received from the planet Kolob in the Celestial Kingdom.

    New Church Manual available to Latter Day Saints just received from the planet Kolob in the Celestial Kingdom. This manual has been updated as of July 28, 2010 to offer even more important insights than it did before. Future updates are expected. Check back frequently.

    UPDATED VERSIONJuly 28, 2010

    Our friends at the Church of Intergalactic Jesus of Apocalyptic-times Saints have published a new manual (and it was actually produced on the planet Kolob in the Celestial Kingdom!) and have graciously allowed us to make it available to all Latter Day Saints on Earth.  The new updated version comes with the following warning from its publisher

    ***WARNING***

    This pamphlet might offend you if you are:

    Black

    Female

    Gay

    Asian

    Poor

    An Astronaut

    To get the complete seven-page pamphlet/manual in PDF form, click here.

    This manual has the power to change lives.  Please download it, and share it with everyone you know.  If you are a member of a Latter Day Saint church, please produce copies of this and distribute it to your fellow church members, through ward and stake newsletters and bulletins, etc.

    Unconfirmed reports are that COJCOLDS approves the distribution of this pamphlet, because there is a picture of Thomas S. Monson in the manual, so if you are a member of COJCOLDS, you can probably feel comfortable that you have permission to distribute this to people at church and by any means possible.

    We Latter Day Saints must do all we can to Bring the World It’s Truth!  So, I say, Come, Come Ye Saints, Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel, and Do What Is Right!

  • The Need For a Talisman

    Posted on April 14th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Miracles 3 comments

    Officer Morris Swanson and his very fast horse, Ligthning, shortly after stopping Priestess Peace Finnegan for doing 86 in a 65 mile per hour zone.
    Officer Morris Swanson and his very fast horse, Lightning, shortly after stopping Priestess Peace Finnegan for doing 86 in a 65 mile per hour zone.

    Protected Again

    by Peace Finnegan
    Priestess of Talismanic Protection
    Moron Church Department of Revenue

    Something happened to me the other day. I was saved. There is no rational explanation for it. It has happened before.

    A few days ago I was pulled over by the state trooper going 21 miles mph over the posted speed limit. This has happened to me before and I was let go with just a warning. However, I was certain that this time I would receive the ticket that I deserved. Surprisingly, I was spared, once again from the speeding ticket. As I was trying to figure out why I was saved and not others I came to the only logical solution, I must be wearing a protective talisman.

    As I pondered this situation and my seemingly good fortune with state troopers, I began to wonder if perhaps I was wearing something that was protecting me. As I looked back over the 20 years that I had been married, I have been pulled over at least five times for speeding. Yet, each time, I was given a warning and sent on my way. I came to the conclusion that my wedding ring was a talisman.

    It truly has magical powers that I believe my Heavenly Mother has given me to protect me from any and all kinds of danger. I know this to be true because I have witnessed this protection time and time again, when I was spared getting a ticket because I was wearing the magical wedding ring.

    I want to share this message with the world and wish all to receive it. All of you will want your very own special ring to wear. I know that our loving Heavenly Mother will protect you from harm. I bear my personal testimony that she has protected me. Think of the money you will save in speeding tickets. I am positive there are blessings that I am completely unaware of that she a seen fit to give me.

    All you need to do is to give 9% of your increase to Heavenly Mother (I handle Heavenly Mother’s finances). She has done so much for you and you are indebted to her forever. Once you do that, you will then be eligible to buy your own ring just like mine. It will save you just as it has saved me over and over again. Without a shadow of a doubt I testify of this truthfulness. If you will humble yourself as a little child, you will see that what I speak is true. Think of your family. You wouldn’t want something to happen to them or you.

    Remember the story of Moses. The Israelites only needed to look at the brass serpent to be saved. And yet, some of them did not. Don’t be like the wicked Israelites. Be a believer.

  • Interview with a unicorn

    Posted on March 27th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Happenings, Miracles, Videos 1 comment

    In this YouTube video Flat Lander tries to interview Benee Kent of the ExMo Radio show, but ends up talking to a unicorn.

  • Divine Visitations Coming Soon

    Posted on February 18th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Happenings, Leaders, Miracles, Other Leaders, Press Release No comments

    We are pleased to announce that we have made arrangements for several Divine Visitations in the not too distant future. After extensive negotiations, exact dates of the visitations have not been firmed up, but the preconditions required for the visitations have been agreed to.

    White Salamander

    White Salamander

    1. When the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints fan page on Facebook reaches 1000 fans, the angel Moron I and his unicorn White Salamander will visit three cities and two small towns in Utah offering rides to children under 100 lbs.. For each additional 1000 fans to the Facebook page, Moron I and White Salamander will visit three cities and two small towns in one additional states, on this list: California, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Maine, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois. Once the number of Facebook fans reaches 10,000, Moron I and White Salamander will begin visiting all 50 US states, all of the provinces and territories of Canada, and a few other English speaking countries.

    Jesus

    Jesus

    2. When the total number of subscribers to the Moron Church’ YouTube channel reaches 1,000 Jesus will visit Hastings, Nebraska. When the number of subscribers reaches 10,000, Jesus will visit Salt Lake City and attempt to get an audience with the COJCOLDS First Presidency to set them straight on a few things.

    3. When the total number of views of the Moron Church’s YouTube videos reaches 25,000 Jesus’s dad will travel to Rome to seek an audience with the Pope, and will invite religious leaders from hundreds of Christian, Jewish and Muslim sects and cults to attend.

    His Noodliness

    His Noodliness

    4. When the total number of views of the Moron Church’s YouTube videos reaches 1 million, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will personally appear at the United Nations building in New York City, and summon all world leaders to attend and be instructed in the true order of pasta, and the establishment of a Noodly way of life for everyone, in a world free from hunger, hatred and disease.

    ACTION ITEMS:

    Please help spread the word.

    Share links to this page. Post links to our Facebook fan page, our YouTube channel and our website on your blogs, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking.

    Become a fan of the Moron Church Facebook page

    Become a fan of the Moron Church Facebook Fan Page and invite all your friends and family to do the same. Post comments, photos and links to the fan page’s wall.

    Subscribe to the Moron Church’s YouTube channel:

    Subscribe to the Moron Church’s YouTube channel
    and invite all your friends and family to do the same.

    Visit the Moron Church website

    With many fascinating and educational pages of the Moron Church website you will want to  share links with your friends to your favorite parts.   Be sure to post your comments so that others may be edified.

    Share links to individual Moron Church YouTube videos

    Family, friends, neighbors and co-workers will be blessed by watching these faith-promoting videos.

    A Noodly First Vision

    Law of Tithing Repealed

    Touring the Moron Church Temple

    Moron Church Has Facebook Page

    Gordon Hinckley Wants to Be a Moron

    Stop Calling Dallin H. Oaks a Moron

    Flat Lander’s New Gig

    We need everyone’s help to accomplish these important goals and bring these great blessings to the Earth.

    Won’t you please do all you can? . . . . I knew you would.

  • A Noodly First Vision

    Posted on February 15th, 2010 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Leaders, Miracles, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes, Videos 4 comments

    Flat Lander talks about his release from captivity (and doesn’t even mention me) and then explains the relationship between Mormonism and Pastafarianism.

  • The Law of Tithing Has Been Repealed

    Posted on November 12th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Administration, Happenings, Miracles, Videos No comments

    This video explains everything.

  • Horses were Unicorns

    Posted on November 9th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Happenings, Miracles No comments
    The only known surviving unicorn in the western hemisphere, "White Salamander," is currently owned by the angel Moron I.  White Salamander is shown in the pasture near the Moron Church compound during one of Moron I's frequent visits.

    The only known surviving unicorn in the western hemisphere, "White Salamander," is currently owned by the angel Moron I. White Salamander is shown in the pasture near the Moron Church compound during one of Moron I's frequent visits.

    Henry Eyeball, First Counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently that new scholarship has discovered that all horses mentioned in the Book of Moron (also known by COJCOLDS and other Latter Day Saint churches as the Book of Mormon) were in fact actually unicorns. “This was just another instance where Joseph Smith screwed up the restoration,” said Eyeball.

    Asked why there have been no unicorn remains found anywhere in the western hemisphere, Eyeball explained, “Most were eaten by the cureloms. The only one that survived was the one ridden by the angel, Moron I. We are releasing the attached photograph as proof of the historicity of everything we teach in the Moron Church.”

    More information will be released when available.

  • Moronic Magic Underwear

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Miracles 28 comments
    Moronic Magic Underwear (male on left) (female on right).  Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.

    Moronic Magic Underwear. (Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.)

    In the Latter Day Saint movement much has been said about our so-called “Magic Underwear.”  All sorts of truly Moronic stories circulate widely on the Internet, in Fast and Testimony Meetings, in Sacrament Meeting talks, etc. about how this magic underwear has protected people who were in fires, plane crashes, bad marriages and other disasters.

    Unfortunately, none of these stories ever provide enough detail to verify the facts of the alleged miracle in question.  Here we post several VERIFIABLE accounts of the protection provided by Moronic Magic Underwear.

    The Miraculous Story of Brother Vargan

    Brother Jim Vargan of 15542 N. Elm Street, Apt. 2C, Salt Lake City (phone number provided upon request), faithfully wore his Moronic Magic Underwear both day and night since receiving his Washing and Anointing more than 30 years ago in the Provo Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Brother Vargan was in a tragic industrial accident at his workplace in March of this year, but luckily for Brother Vargan, he was wearing his Moronic Magic Underwear.  In the accident, both of Brother Vargan’s legs were amputated at the knee and both arms amputated at the elbow, and he was decapitated.  Sister Lisa Vargan, speaking at her husband’s funeral a few days later reported that the portions of Brother Vargan’s body covered by his Moronic Magic Underwear were undamaged.

    The Miraculous Story of Bishop Roger Lewis & Sister Fern Nishbucket

    Bishop Roger Lewis of 7119 Centennial Way, Orem, UT and Sister Fern Nishbucket of 7208 Centennial Way, Orem, UT have both faithfully worn their Moronic Magic Underwear for more than 25 years, both night and day.  They were shacking up together at a cheap motel near Lake Tahoe (Lewis having told his wife he was in Phoenix on business and Nishbucket having told her husband she was in St. George visiting her sister) when their miracle happened.  Despite having been warned that they must shower before getting in the motel’s pool the couple would repeatedly have steamy, sweaty sex, then go jump naked in the motel pool to cool off.  This pushed motel manager Dave Swarengen past the breaking point, and the third time he caught them doing this, he got his gun and shot them both in the head several times, killing them instantly.

    Stake President Arthur Clancy of 5302 Parkwest Avenue, Orem, UT, spoke at the joint funeral held for the two, and noted that although motel manager Swarengen is a notoriously bad shot with a handgun, all of the bullets went into the heads of the Bishop and Ward Librarian, and did not defile the portion of their bodies normally covered by their Moronic Magic Underwear.  “So great,” said the Stake President, “is the power of Moronic Magic Underwear, that because they had so faithfully worn it for 25 years, their Moronic Magic Underwear protected the bodies of these two fine people, even when they were naked.”

    The Tragedy of Daniel Betancourt

    As a counterpoint to the miraculous stories above, Stake President Clancy shares the following story, also from his stake.
    “Daniel Betancourt, of 6613 E. Canada Ave., Orem, UT, had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for 24 years and 11 months, both night and day.  One night in January of this year he removed all of his clothing, including his Moronic Magic Underwear, and took a shower.  Unbeknownst to him, a psychotic killer escaped from custody while being transported through Betancourt’s neighborhood.  The psychotic killer broke into Betancourt’s home, grabbed two large kitchen knives and stabbed Brother Betancourt more than 150 times in the chest, back, groin and buttocks, killing him.  Every single stab wound was to an area where his Moronic Magic Underwear would have protected him, if only he hadn’t taken it off to shower.  Alternatively, if he had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for a full 25 years, like Bishop Lewis and Sister Nishbucket, instead of just 24 years and 11 months, I’m sure he would have been saved even though naked.  It’s a lesson for all of us.”

  • Mixed Faith Families—Extremely Dangerous!

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Miracles 4 comments

    Four brothers, whose identity we need to protect, so we will call them Adam Goodson, Beelzebub Evilson, Diablo Evilson, and Evel Evilson each found religion in their life, but each found a different religion.  For the purpose of our discussion here, we’ll randomly assign the four brothers to a certain religion.  Adam Goodson, was a Latter Day Saint and followed the traditional Moronic teachings found in our beautiful and pure religion.  The other brothers found the false and horrible religions and were a Baptist, a Catholic, and a Lutheran.

    The farmland before the rain.

    The farmland before the rain.

    The brothers were farmers, farming adjacent ground, and of course the Big Guy Upstairs highly favored Adam Goodson which made his brothers jealous, but who really cares about them?  Anyhow, there was a terrible drought in the land, and Adam Goodson gathered his brothers to support him as he prayed to the Big Guy Upstairs for rain for all of their farms.  Unbeknownst to Adam Goodson, his mean-spirited brothers each prayed to their own false Gods, despite Adam’s admonishment to them that their Gods were both impotent and fictitious.

    Well, of course, the Big Guy Upstairs smiled upon Adam Goodson and sent the healthy, nourishing rain for the crops for everyone, and everything would have been fine, but the evil Baptist, Catholic and Lutheran Gods all tried to “one up” the Big Guy Upstairs and each other.  They sent much more rain than was needed, and terrible floods scourged the lands, and killed everyone for miles around.

    The farmland after the rain.

    The farmland after the rain.

    This shows the danger of one family having members of more than one religion.  The lesson is clear.  Be a Moron.  It’s the only safe way.  Don’t let your family members go other churches.  Those churches are all just the Great Whores of the Earth.  But, even if some of your family members do go to one of the Whore Churches, try to get them to pay their tithing to us.

    Remember ALL THE OTHER CHURCHES ARE WHORES so give your money to us!

  • Joseph Smith’s “Second Vision”

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Miracles 6 comments

    Joseph Smith’s Second Vision

    Joseph Smith, the founder of the Latter Day Saint Movement (who was widely known for telling lies, digging for buried treasure, and making up fanciful stories), received visits from supernatural beings, that is a matter of confirmed fact among Morons world wide.  Among his most well-known visitations were the so-called “First Vision” when he was visited by deity, and multiple visits by the angel Moron I.  Less well known is the story of Joe’s “Second Vision.”  This vision has never been disproved and in fact, has the exact same probability of being true as the “First Vision.”  Nonetheless, most churches of the Latter Day Saint movement, (namely the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, among others) act as if the Second Vision never even took place.

    Below is the story of the Second Vision, and much like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’s canonized version of the First Vision, the story is written by someone other than Joseph Smith, but written as if Joseph himself actually said these things.

    I retired to the woods to get out of working with my father and brothers on the farm.  And after I had retired to the place I had earlier found, I looked around to make sure I was alone, so I could sleep the day away in peace and quiet in the cool grass of that cloudy morning.  Just as I was about to drift into peaceful slumber, the freaking cloud moved, and I saw a pillar of light directly above me, that was bright as heck—I mean really pretty dang bright.  The light was coming down in my eyes, preventing me from getting to sleep, so I turned over on my side, and I beheld two personages,

    the first was dressed all in red,
    from his toe to his head.
    And he turned to the other and said.
    “This is the beloved Easter Bunny
    And although you may find it funny,
    Listen to him now, or wind up dead.

    Quickly I got possession of myself and was able to speak.  I asked the personages which holidays are the best ones for getting candy.  I was answered that I must observe all of them for they are all correct, and the Bunny who addressed me said they were all delightful in his sight.  And the Bunny told me many other things which I cannot write, and I began to think he was just rambling on, stalling for time when appeared from behind a tree a third personage.
    And the fat guy with the big white beard in the red suit said, “Ok, Bunny, knock it off.” Then

    The jolly old elf then gave me a sly wink
    And said, “Here’s someone else, I think
    to whom you should listen and heed,
    for he has wisdom you desperately need.
    Eat your vegetables, your fruits and your dairy
    And obey the teachings of Mr. Tooth Fairy.

    And then the Tooth Fairy talked for about 15 minutes on the importance of good dental habits and hygiene, stressing moderation in sweets, daily brushing and flossing, and finishing up with a PowerPoint presentation on how to avoid gum disease.

    After the meeting, we all went our separate ways, and there was much excitement in the neighborhood as I related the story to all who would listen, but the local barbers, doctors, dentists, and computer geeks treated my communication very lightly, and a great persecution did increase and excite the public mind against me.  They scoffed at my miraculous story, and claimed PowerPoint hadn’t even been invented yet, but it was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision.

    And although some members of the Latter Day Saint movement may continue to scoff, the official position of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is that the Second Vision is as much a factual account of a supernatural visit to the boy prophet as the First Vision.

    An artists rendition of Joseph Smith's Second Vision, which took place in the Sacred Grove not long after Smith's more famous "First Vision."

    An artist's rendition of Joseph Smith's Second Vision, which took place in the Sacred Grove not long after Smith's more famous "First Vision."