Sidney Rigatoni Leads the Presiding Bishopric

Bishop Sidney Rigatoni

Bishop Erastus Grant Cannon

Sidney Rigatoni has only been the Presiding Bishop of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints for a few months, but is enthusiastic about his new position.  “I used to be in the Quorum of the Seventy, and those boys are all dumb asses.  I’m glad to be away from them.  This has to be better than hanging out with them.”

Bishop Rigatoni comes to the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints after a stint as a Pastafarian, and in fact makes his own pasta, which he carries around in his pockets.  Bishop Rigatoni also has the unusual personal habit of saving his ear wax.  “I use it to make candles in case there is a blackout,” he explained.

Bishop Whitney S. Quentin

Also serving in the Presiding Bishopric are Erastus Grant Cannon, first counselor, and Whitney S. Quentin, second counselor.  Bishop Cannon’s primary function as a General Authority is to attend training meetings of various kinds throughout the church, and stand at the front of the room, near the chalk board.  “If anything ever needs erased, I get to do it, because my name, Erastus, is more like ‘Eraser’ than anyone else’s,” he explained.  Bishop Quentin is even less intelligent.  “I just like this calling, because we all wear hats,” he said.

After hearing the comments from his counselors Bishop Rigatoni remarked, “I knew I made the right decision, these guys are a lot smarter than those Morons in the Seventy.”

Presidency of the Seventy Has Vast Experience

President Paul H. Didn't of the Seventy

President Paul H. Didn’t of the Seventy

President Paul H. Didn’t has served as the senior president in the Presidency of the Seventy longer than anyone in history.  Elder Didn’t has a long and varied history and has often thrilled General Conference audiences with inspirational stories from the days before he was called as a General Authority.  One of the most memorable stories is how during the Second World War he was due to be shipped out with his unit, but stayed behind to give a priesthood blessing to a very sick little girl in New Jersey.  The girl was miraculously completely healed by Elder Didn’t's blessing and he immediately left to swim the Atlantic Ocean just in time to lead the D-Day invasion of Normandy.  Tragically, however, just a few minutes after Elder Didn’t left, the little girl contracted a new, much stronger case of the same disease and died.  Elder Didn’t was also a professional athlete, and played in several Super Bowls in the 1940′s and 50′s, more than a decade before Super Bowls were organized.

President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy

President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy

President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy is fondly remembered by Morons worldwide for an opening prayer he once gave at General Conference.  President Orson asked God to take notes for him, because he “had to take a leak.”  Later President Orson expressed disappointment that when returned from the bathroom there weren’t gold plates with notes from God waiting for him on his chair.  In another memorable General Conference moment, President Orson told of a vision he once had, of sugar plums dancing in his head.

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President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy

President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy

President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy is a history buff and is particularly interested in the history of the Mormon pioneers.  In an effort to symbolically recreate the trek of the Mormon Handcart Pioneers, over a period of three months, Parley rode an elevator up and down the Empire State Building four thousand, six hundred and eight-three times while pushing a hot dog cart.

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President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the Seventy

President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the Seventy

President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the of the Seventy worked for many years for the Audio Visual Department of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He enjoyed the old Johnny Lingo video so much, that he took eight cows for his wives.  Jeffers is brother, first cousin, second cousin, uncle, grandfather, half-brother, and nephew to each of the Jeffers brothers who serve in the Young Men and Young Women Presidencies.

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President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy

President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy

President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy is one of the rare General Authorities in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints who owns a Bible.  “I haven’t read any of the Bible yet, but I hear there are some interesting stories in it,” he said in a recent General Conference talk.  During the rest of his talk President Hyrum talked about drinking from a garden hose and his favorite flavors of Jell-o.

YM/YM General Presidency Released

Joseph Jeffers, Jr (left), Brigham Jeffers, and Gordon B. Jeffers

Joseph Jeffers, Jr, former Young Men and Young Women General President has been stripped of all Church duties and responsibilities as have his counselors and biological brothers Brigham Jeffers and Gordon B. Jeffers.  The three have been implicated in various schemes to coerce young women into polygamous marriages.  The three are currently chained in a dark room in the basement of Church Headquarters, pending repair of the Church’s industrial wood chipper.

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