Margaret G. Romney - Quorum of the Twelve

Elder Margaret G. Romney (left) shown with his wife, Alice, a used teddy bear Romney purchased at a thrift store.

Margaret G. Romney

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Although “Margaret” is usually a woman’s name, Margaret G. Romney is male (and he asks that we also explain that he has no gender confusion or identity problems.  He dresses in women’s clothing to be pretty, and likes the feel of women’s underwear against his skin.)  He took the name “Margaret” in adulthood after being born with the name “Martha.”

Elder Romney comes from a politically active family.  “My father was the first woman dog catcher in East Undershirt, New Jersey,” he boasts.  “My mother grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and had some difficulty with the teachings of her bishop that her duty was to obey my father, and vote however she was told.  She killed that bishop, and the next two they sent looking for him.  Finally they quit sending bishops out on the searching parties, so Mother was reduced to killing high councilors and Elders Quorum Presidents.  Mother could never ‘feel the spirit’ when killing folks lower ranked than bishops, so our family quit that church and she started killing politicians.”

It was while visiting his mother on Death Row that young Martha Romney realized his calling to the ministry.  “Those lost souls who had nothing to live for, who only looked to the ‘great beyond’ inspired me to get into a line of work where I could convince people that this life is meaningless, that they should waste all their time preparing for eternity.  Sometimes I’m so successful at teaching people to plan for eternity, they give me all their money.  This is a great racket.”

When Elder Romney considered a run for political office several years ago, someone told him that he would need to be married to be a credible candidate.  He went out that same day and purchased Alice (see photo at left), and while he has never yet been elected to anything, he has a very happy marriage.  The couple is considering purchasing some children.

Bruce R. McConkle - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Bruce R. McConkle

Bruce R. McConkle

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Author of the very important book “Moron Doctrine” in which he adopts most of the Moronic teachings from the book “Mormon Doctrine” by former Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Apostle Bruce R. McConkie.

McConkle is well known as an interpreter of dreams in which he claims that most dreams are about masturbation or other forms of self-pleasuring.  “I can testify to this from personal experience,” he said at last year’s General Priesthood Session.  McConkle apparently had much more to say on the subject, but was dragged away from the podium by Boyle K. Pecker, who was anxious to compare notes with McConkle.

McConkle’s book “Moron Doctrine” adopting the tradition of online publications has several hundred pages devoted to “Frequently Asked Questions on the Minds of Morons.”  Elder McConkle has given permission for us to excerpt a few of the questions and answers here.

Q: Does God’s urine have an odor?
A: Not as much as you would think.

Q: How tall is God?
A: Pretty tall.

Q: Was the “Virgin Mary” really a virgin?
A: She was until she had sex.

Q: How painful was it to be crucified?
A: Pretty painful.

Q: Before God created Eve, what did Adam dream about?
A: Trees with knotholes.

Q: Is it hard to be an Apostle and write a book like this?
A: Not as hard as you would think.

Richard LeGrand - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Richard LeGrand

Richard LeGrand

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder LeGrand is old and smells bad.  He farts a lot, but is universally loved by his brethren in the Twelve, as evidenced by their many kind-hearted comments.  “Keep that smelly bastard away from me,” said Margaret G. Romney.  “Why doesn’t the old fart just die, already?” asked Bruce R. McConkle.

Each year at General Conference Elder LeGrand is given a special seat of honor and distinction, outside on the porch.  His wife of 70 years, Harlena, explains why, “He doesn’t stink because he’s old.  He stinks because he stinks.  He always has, it’s been like being married to a pig farm.  He keeps wanting to ‘consummate’ our marriage, but I tell him that unless he takes an industrial strength bath and uses some mouthwash he can just wait another 70 years.”  The couple has no children.

Elder LeGrand was called into the Quorum of the Twelve as a personal favor to former US President Franklin D. Roosevelt as a result of LeGrand’s top secret work during the Second World War.  On December 8, 1941, the morning after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, LeGrand was towed 150 miles out to sea, off the coast of California.  As the Japanese invasion fleet neared his position, his tremendous odor caused the invaders to turn their ships back.  LeGrand stayed at his post in the ocean for the rest of the war, receiving food and supplies dropped by airplanes, and single-handedly kept the west coast of the United States safe from invasion.

M. Russell Russell M - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M

M. Russell Russell M

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M is/are conjoined twins, connected at the hip, each with control of his/their one set of legs.  He/they have only one set of sexual organs, but two anuses.  Both of the heads claim to be M. Russell and that the other one is Russell M.  One of the heads claims that he/they are two distinct individuals, the other says that he/they are one distinct individual with multiple personality disorder, and that the other head has the personality disorder and should be put into a mental hospital.  This does cause some problems in Quorum of the Twelve Apostles meetings, in determining how many votes M. Russell Russell M should get and whether he/they should be referred to as “Elder” or “Elders” M Russell Russell M.  A compromise solution of sorts has been worked out, in that when he/they are sitting, only one chair is occupied, so he/they are considered one individual.  When offering sustaining votes, however, he/they is/are considered two individuals since he/they has/have four total arms.

One of the two heads attended medical school and became a first-rate surgeon, while the other worked as a short order cook to pay his twin’s tuition.  Animosity between the two reached dangerous levels, until they reached the compromise position of going into the ministry.  “It has worked out well for both of us,” said one of the heads.  “My experience cutting people open prepared me to make never-ending appeals for increased tithing from the members, while his experience working in the kitchen prepared him for an eternity in hell.”  “Oh, bite me,” responded the other head.  “I’m the doctor, you liar.  Go make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”  Some animosity remains.

One of the heads was married briefly to a two-way mirror named Helen, but the marriage ended tragically when Helen either fell, jumped, or was thrown to the pavement from the top seat in a double ferris wheel.  The marriage produced no children.

Dale Lynn Hoax - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Dale Lynn Hoax

Dale Lynn Hoax

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Dale Lynn Hoax attended law school and had academically perfect marks, but his professors realized that he couldn’t meet the low standards of ethical behavior necessary to be an ambulance chasing lawyer, so they encouraged him to go into the ministry.  Hoax has excelled in his calling, providing shyster legal advice and employing every cheap, dirty trick in the book to keep the church out of trouble for the many crimes it has committed.

When not actively working a swindle of some sort (either on behalf of the church or for his own benefit) Hoax enjoys playing practical jokes.  His favorite targets are vulnerable elderly people whose confidence he has gained.  “I don’t think a practical joke is funny without significant bloodshed,” Hoax explained.  “So I try to focus on people taking blood thinners.”

Elder Hoax’s horseplay hasn’t gone unreciprocated.  His colleagues in the Twelve set him up with a “hot woman” whom Hoax married in the temple.  He thought he was enjoying a blissful marriage only to find out 18 years later that his wife was a department store mannequin. Still, Hoax is philosophical about it all.  “I always knew she was quiet and shy, but I still think she’ll make a good mother to our children someday.”

James E. Talcum - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder James E. Talcum

James E. Talcum

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Talcum’s book “Jesus The Moron” provides Moronic revealed truth about Jesus, that most people were unaware of.  The book is considered a “near Standard Work” among many Morons.  Talcum, using a mix of amphetamines and hallucinogenic drugs, wrote the entire 987-page book in just four days, and offers this profound recollection of the process.  “Man, did I get the munchies while working on that book.”

Considered by far the most intellectual and most intelligent of all the General Authorities, Elder Talcum wears a specially designed apparatus on his head, to keep his brain from leaving his head and ascending directly into heaven.  Elder Talcum, the only polygamist in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, is married to seven swimming swans.

Lorenzo M. Ballard - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Lorenzo M. Ballard

Lorenzo M. Ballard

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Ballard is the Chairman of the Strengthening the Members Committee for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  The committee’s activities include gathering information on members who are in any way having difficulties or causing problems.  The members so identified are then hunted down and bull-whipped.  Elder Ballard often sings old Hank Williams yodeling tunes during the bull whippings.

Ballard travels extensively for the Church, always alone, except for his trusty horse, Spangles.  “It ain’t easy being a singing cowboy apostle to the Morons,” he recently told a newspaper in New Jersey, “but somebody’s got to do it.”

Ballard rarely makes it to General Conference, but made an appearance a few years ago and demonstrated his ability with a six-shooter by attempting to shoot apples off the heads of some of his fellow Apostles.  (This trick necessitated changing the name of what had formerly been the Quroum of the Eighteen Apostles.)

Hunter W. Howard - Church Patriarch - Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone

Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard

Hunter W. Howard

Church Patriarch - Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone

The responsibilities of the Church Patriarch in the Latter Day Saint movement have varied considerably over the years.  Some say that Hunter W. Howard, the current Church Patriarch of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has taken advantage of this confusion for the purpose of lining his own pocket by charging church members for “special” blessings.  “I don’t see it that way at all,” explained Howard.  “I have found that if members pay hard-earned money for their blessings, they appreciate them more.  And, the more they pay, the more they appreciate them.”

“I give blessings to the family members of General Authorities for half price,” said Howard.  “They’re a bunch of cheap bastards and never want to pay full price for anything.”  In one recent blessing to a grandchild of President Gordon B. Hinky, Howard promised the young man that he would have an opportunity in this lifetime to vote John Quincy Adams into a second term in the White House.  In a blessing to one of M. Russell Russell M’s cousins, he promised the young woman that she would one day walk naked across the Atlantic Ocean from Charleston, South Carolina to Liverpool, England.

Howard is also the Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone and uses the Sacred Seer Stone when giving these special blessings.  He is responsible to have it handy whenever President Monsoon wants to use it to receive written instructions from the Big Guy Upstairs.  “I’ve lost the damned thing several times,” confides Howard, “and whenever I do, I just go out to some rock pile somewhere and get another.  One works as well as the next.”

Sidney Rigatoni Leads the Presiding Bishopric

Bishop Sidney Rigatoni

Bishop Erastus Grant Cannon

Sidney Rigatoni has only been the Presiding Bishop of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints for a few months, but is enthusiastic about his new position.  “I used to be in the Quorum of the Seventy, and those boys are all dumb asses.  I’m glad to be away from them.  This has to be better than hanging out with them.”

Bishop Rigatoni comes to the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints after a stint as a Pastafarian, and in fact makes his own pasta, which he carries around in his pockets.  Bishop Rigatoni also has the unusual personal habit of saving his ear wax.  “I use it to make candles in case there is a blackout,” he explained.

Bishop Whitney S. Quentin

Also serving in the Presiding Bishopric are Erastus Grant Cannon, first counselor, and Whitney S. Quentin, second counselor.  Bishop Cannon’s primary function as a General Authority is to attend training meetings of various kinds throughout the church, and stand at the front of the room, near the chalk board.  “If anything ever needs erased, I get to do it, because my name, Erastus, is more like ‘Eraser’ than anyone else’s,” he explained.  Bishop Quentin is even less intelligent.  “I just like this calling, because we all wear hats,” he said.

After hearing the comments from his counselors Bishop Rigatoni remarked, “I knew I made the right decision, these guys are a lot smarter than those Morons in the Seventy.”

Presidency of the Seventy Has Vast Experience

President Paul H. Didn't of the Seventy

President Paul H. Didn’t of the Seventy

President Paul H. Didn’t has served as the senior president in the Presidency of the Seventy longer than anyone in history.  Elder Didn’t has a long and varied history and has often thrilled General Conference audiences with inspirational stories from the days before he was called as a General Authority.  One of the most memorable stories is how during the Second World War he was due to be shipped out with his unit, but stayed behind to give a priesthood blessing to a very sick little girl in New Jersey.  The girl was miraculously completely healed by Elder Didn’t’s blessing and he immediately left to swim the Atlantic Ocean just in time to lead the D-Day invasion of Normandy.  Tragically, however, just a few minutes after Elder Didn’t left, the little girl contracted a new, much stronger case of the same disease and died.  Elder Didn’t was also a professional athlete, and played in several Super Bowls in the 1940’s and 50’s, more than a decade before Super Bowls were organized.

President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy

President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy

President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy is fondly remembered by Morons worldwide for an opening prayer he once gave at General Conference.  President Orson asked God to take notes for him, because he “had to take a leak.”  Later President Orson expressed disappointment that when returned from the bathroom there weren’t gold plates with notes from God waiting for him on his chair.  In another memorable General Conference moment, President Orson told of a vision he once had, of sugar plums dancing in his head.

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President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy

President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy

President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy is a history buff and is particularly interested in the history of the Mormon pioneers.  In an effort to symbolically recreate the trek of the Mormon Handcart Pioneers, over a period of three months, Parley rode an elevator up and down the Empire State Building four thousand, six hundred and eight-three times while pushing a hot dog cart.

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President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the Seventy

President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the Seventy

President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the of the Seventy worked for many years for the Audio Visual Department of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He enjoyed the old Johnny Lingo video so much, that he took eight cows for his wives.  Jeffers is brother, first cousin, second cousin, uncle, grandfather, half-brother, and nephew to each of the Jeffers brothers who serve in the Young Men and Young Women Presidencies.

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President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy

President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy

President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy is one of the rare General Authorities in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints who owns a Bible.  “I haven’t read any of the Bible yet, but I hear there are some interesting stories in it,” he said in a recent General Conference talk.  During the rest of his talk President Hyrum talked about drinking from a garden hose and his favorite flavors of Jell-o.