Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Cultural Exchange and Sleep Over

    Posted on April 20th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Other Leaders 1 comment
    Pope & Mope Work a Crowd Together

    Pope & Mope Work a Crowd Together

    Our friends at the Salamander Society have produced this genuine photograph of Pope Benedict XVI and President Thomas S. Monson, President Number XVI of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, waving to crowds in Rome after the Pope hosted Monson for a sleep over recently.  Apparently the two crazy kids thought it would be fun to swap religious clothing for a few hours.  Shortly after the above picture was taken, the two changed into cut-off shorts and T-shirts and went bike riding around Rome.  Moron Church of Latter-day Saints Prophet for Eternity Gordon B. Hinky was invited to attend the sleepover, but declined, because he is dead.

    Mormon and Catholic Church spokespeople refused to give specifics of what the Pope and “Mope” did during the sleep over, but S’mores, pillow fights, and experimenting with makeup were on the agenda.  Practical jokes were thought to be part of the night’s entertainment as well, but the spokespeople quickly quieted that rumor by saying the Pope always sleeps with toothpaste in his hair, and President Monson was already planning to get a tattoo reading “Kiss Me I’m Swedish.”

  • Shout Out to Our Catholic Friends

    Posted on April 20th, 2009 admin    Other Leaders 4 comments
    Latter Day Saint Popes of the Past

    Latter Day Saint Popes of the Past

    Most people don’t realize that Latter Day Saints have had popes also.  All of you Catholics out there who have been wanting to become LDS, but were worried you wouldn’t have a pope to say bad things about can now join our church.  Please do so, and begin paying tithing immediately.

  • Gordon B. Hinky – President and Prophet for Eternity

    Posted on April 8th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Gordon B. Hinky blows a magic whistle to request a visit with an angel.

    Gordon B. Hinky.

    Gordon B. Hinky

    President and Prophet for Eternity

    Gordon B. Hinky was born in a log cabin during the time of the Protestant Reformation.  He advanced through the church to become President and Prophet for Eternity, so even after his death, he continues to be the Prophet.  Videotape surveillance indicates he may actually have died in 1987, but no one noticed until 2008, when he was buried in the Hill Cummorah next to the Urim and Thumim.

    In the photo at the left the great Prophet for Eternity is shown blowing a special recorder to summon a visit from an angel.  Further information about this great Prophet can be found in the book written by former Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prophet Gordon B. Hinckley’s non-existent brother entitled “Sitting for Nothing.”

  • S. Tommy Monsoon – Prophet and President

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    tommonsoon

    Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon

    Born Osama bin Monson, Monsoon took his current prophetic name in honor of the storms that plague many parts of the globe.   “Monsoons are big storms with lots of blowing wind and hard-driven rain,” said the Moron Church leader.  “And like both Moron and Mormon leaders before me, I focus my personal ministry on being a big blowhard.”

    Monsoon clearly has been blessed with special gifts that allow him to lead the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  “I have three nipples,” he recently told a church publication.  “That extra nipple comes in very handy in certain sacred temple ordinances that I can’t talk about with people who only have two nipples.”

    Monsoon knew from a young age that he would be called to be a leader among the Morons.  “I have been visited by angels many times,” he said, “and they always told me that if I would share my liquor with them, they would put in a good word for me with the Big Guy.  It obviously worked, because here I am, and those angels are still lying drunk in an alley in Salt Lake City.”

    In the photo, notice the tattoo of the temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on the prophet’s shoulder.  Normally the sacred temple tattoos are only shown to impressionable young women who show special interest in the Prophet behind closed doors.

  • Henry Eyeball — First Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Henry Eyeball

    Henry Eyeball after Hoax's terrible prank, but before the miraculous surgery performed by M. Russell Russell M

    Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

    Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

    Henry Eyeball

    First Counselor in the First Presidency.

    Henry Eyeball is still considered both a prophet and a revelator, but because he has only one eye, he is a “looker” instead of a “seer.”  Eyeball was formerly known as Henry Three Eyes due to an unusual birth defect.  Apostle Dale Lynn Hoax is responsible for a practical joke that went tragically wrong resulting in Eyeball’s name change.

    Fortunately for Eyeball, one of the conjoined twins comprising the Apostle(s)  M. Russell Russell M is a skilled surgeon, and was able to perform surgery on Three Eyes only a few days after Hoax’s prank, leading to a complete recovery, and a stylish new look.

  • Dieter F. Achtung – 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    President Dieter F. Achtung

    President Dieter F. Achtung

    Dieter F. Achtung

    2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Achtung was called into the First Presidency for his strict interpretation of Moron Doctrine.  Known as a harsh disciplinarian, with a violent temper many outside the faith are stunned by his career choice in the ministry.  Achtung had an early career in research that was never fully satisfying for him.

    Born Delroy Malcolm Clark on the island of Jamaica, Achtung never knew his father, who was believed to be a German sailor who frequented the Caribbean region.  Young Delroy Clark could never come to grips with his parentage or his race, and fabricated an elaborate back story of who he really was.  He worked menial jobs such as hauling pig intestines to local orphanages to earn money for plastic surgery to transform himself.  Achtung frequently uses stories of his humble beginnings in his General Conference talks, like the one about working as a vomit taster for a Haitian pharmaceutical company.  “Tasting other people’s vomit in the interest of medical science humbles a man,” explained Achtung.  “I worked at that job for over seven years, tasting both human and animal vomit before I learned it was all a practical joke.  The good thing about it was that my supervisor, Dale Lynn Hoax, also helped me land this job.”

    Delroy changed his name to Achtung after the successful plastic surgery, again crediting Elder Hoax with the results.  “When the plastic surgeon asked me what I wanted to look like when the surgery was done, I didn’t really know.  My friend Dale Lynn Hoax suggested this face, and I have been popular ever since.”

    Achtung’s responsibilities for the Church include special nighttime visits to less active members.  “Initially they are frightened, but after I offer them a nice meal of beef, boiled potatoes and sauerkraut, they begin to soften up.”  Achtung has received several gun shot wounds as a result of his nighttime visits, but he usually takes M Russell Russell M with him nowadays, so surgery can be performed in the car on the way to the hospital.

  • Oliver Chowder – Extra Counselor in 1st Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Oliver Chowder

    Oliver Chowder

    Oliver Chowder

    Additional Counselor in the First Presidency

    Chowder was given the role of Additional or “Extra” Counselor in the First Presidency because he is young enough to be energetic, and just stupid enough to follow orders without asking questions.  Chowder’s stupidity has gotten him into trouble in the past, such as when he got his head stuck in the veil once while officiating in sacred temple ordinances.

    Chowder is the youngest of eight children in his family, all named Oliver, but oddly, he’s the only male.

  • Esra “Daffy” Benzon – President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    President Benzon was a skilled barber.

    President Benzon was a skilled barber.

    Esra “Daffy” Benzon

    President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Daffy Benzon is senile, there is no question about it, he has been for years.  Everyone knows it.  It’s not a secret.  He is closely watched and carefully supervised at all times.  Prior to his senility Benzon was just plain nuts, hence the name “Daffy.”

    Benzon grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and served as a missionary for that church in a number of countries, many of whom asked him to leave because of his bizarre behavior.  His missionary companions indicate that Daffy was initially just “an odd duck” but think his habit of eating the disinfectant cakes he found in urinals in public restrooms may have contributed to his “craziness.”

    Daffy never married, and as far as we know, never had any children, but in his younger years dated many women, but rarely got a second date.  Daffy’s older sister thinks she knows why.  “Daffy’s idea of a date was to cover himself in processed American cheese and then hide in the bushes outside the girl’s home.  Some of the heftier girls were kind of into that on the first date, but they usually wanted some other kind of cheese for the second date, like cheddar or pepper jack, but Daffy only liked processed American cheese.”

    In recent years Benzon has only given two talks in General Conference.  Last year’s entire talk was just one sentence: “When I pee, sometimes it makes me think I can fly.”  Three years ago at General Conference Benzon spoke quite eloquently for 30 seconds on the importance of good manners.  Then he pulled a live newborn puppy from his pocket, ate it, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

  • Boyle K. Pecker – Acting President of the Twelve

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Boyle K. Pecker

    Boyle K. Pecker

    Boyle K. Pecker

    Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Pecker is one of the meanest, cruelest, most hate-filled people on the planet today.  And as he explains, this is by his personal choice.  “My parents, the Jensens were soft-hearted Latter Day Saint people and as is usual, other Latter Day Saints took advantage of them something awful.  They gave me this name in hopes that I would grow up to be an arrogant, self-centered prick, and I haven’t disappointed them.”

    Pecker has also tried to be actively involved in politics throughout his life, but has never found a political party or group of individuals that were nasty enough.  “Sure, we had Dick Cheney, and that was a good start, Cheney is almost pure evil, but ‘almost’ isn’t good enough for me.”

    Pecker had varied career interests before becoming a General Authority.  “I was a crossing guard near an elementary school, where I would throw soft mushy food at children who crossed too slowly.  I was a morning orderly at a nursing home where my primary job was to wake the residents at 5:30 with a bucket of cold water.  And, I worked various customer service jobs for the government in which I told people they were in the wrong line.”

    Not surprisingly, Pecker has never married, never had sex, and still wets the bed.  He sucks his thumb for an hour every night, then puts on his “Magic Pajamas” and goes to bed, sleeping with the light on all night.

  • Kim Ball Spencer – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder(ess) Kim Ball Spencer

    Elder(ess) Kim Ball Spencer

    Kim Ball Spencer

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder(ess) Spencer is the only woman Apostle in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  Like most other churches in the Latter Day Saint movement the Moron Church follows the Moronic prohibition on women holding the priesthood.  Elder(ess) Spencer, however concealed the fact that she was female until very recently.  “That’s a chick?” said a surprised Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “she is butt ugly.  Look at all that facial hair, and on a chick, too? That’s disgusting.”

    Elder(ess) Spencer explains that she is not a transgendered person, rather she felt that in order to compete in a man’s world it was necessary to appear to be a man.  “All of the Spencer women have been able to grow beards and mustaches, it’s given us some real advantages.  Have you ever noticed, for example, that the line is always shorter for the men’s restroom than the women’s?”

    Elder(ess) Spencer has been a prolific writer, writing dozens of books, with her most famous one being “Forgiving the Miracles” which in hindsight seems to explain how she “fathered” nine children with her wife.  Recently conducted DNA tests indicate that none of the couple’s nine children are related to either Elder(ess) Spencer, nor her wife (in fact, three of the children are older than Elder(ess) Spencer.)

    Elder(ess) Spencer’s position as an apostle was in jeopardy and a special Church Court was convened to consider the matter, but it was quickly resolved when the Resurrected Angel of Joseph Smith personally appeared and spoke on Spencer’s behalf.  “Bearded ladies are hot!” said the founding prophet of the Latter Day Saint movement, settling the matter once and for all.