Henry Eyeball — First Counselor in the First Presidency

Henry Eyeball after Hoax's terrible prank, but before the miraculous surgery performed by M. Russell Russell M

Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

Henry Eyeball

First Counselor in the First Presidency.

Henry Eyeball is still considered both a prophet and a revelator, but because he has only one eye, he is a “looker” instead of a “seer.”  Eyeball was formerly known as Henry Three Eyes due to an unusual birth defect.  Apostle Dale Lynn Hoax is responsible for a practical joke that went tragically wrong resulting in Eyeball’s name change.

Fortunately for Eyeball, one of the conjoined twins comprising the Apostle(s)  M. Russell Russell M is a skilled surgeon, and was able to perform surgery on Three Eyes only a few days after Hoax’s prank, leading to a complete recovery, and a stylish new look.

Dieter F. Achtung - 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

President Dieter F. Achtung

Dieter F. Achtung

2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

Achtung was called into the First Presidency for his strict interpretation of Moron Doctrine.  Known as a harsh disciplinarian, with a violent temper many outside the faith are stunned by his career choice in the ministry.  Achtung had an early career in research that was never fully satisfying for him.

Born Delroy Malcolm Clark on the island of Jamaica, Achtung never knew his father, who was believed to be a German sailor who frequented the Caribbean region.  Young Delroy Clark could never come to grips with his parentage or his race, and fabricated an elaborate back story of who he really was.  He worked menial jobs such as hauling pig intestines to local orphanages to earn money for plastic surgery to transform himself.  Achtung frequently uses stories of his humble beginnings in his General Conference talks, like the one about working as a vomit taster for a Haitian pharmaceutical company.  “Tasting other people’s vomit in the interest of medical science humbles a man,” explained Achtung.  “I worked at that job for over seven years, tasting both human and animal vomit before I learned it was all a practical joke.  The good thing about it was that my supervisor, Dale Lynn Hoax, also helped me land this job.”

Delroy changed his name to Achtung after the successful plastic surgery, again crediting Elder Hoax with the results.  “When the plastic surgeon asked me what I wanted to look like when the surgery was done, I didn’t really know.  My friend Dale Lynn Hoax suggested this face, and I have been popular ever since.”

Achtung’s responsibilities for the Church include special nighttime visits to less active members.  “Initially they are frightened, but after I offer them a nice meal of beef, boiled potatoes and sauerkraut, they begin to soften up.”  Achtung has received several gun shot wounds as a result of his nighttime visits, but he usually takes M Russell Russell M with him nowadays, so surgery can be performed in the car on the way to the hospital.

Oliver Chowder - Extra Counselor in 1st Presidency

Oliver Chowder

Oliver Chowder

Additional Counselor in the First Presidency

Chowder was given the role of Additional or “Extra” Counselor in the First Presidency because he is young enough to be energetic, and just stupid enough to follow orders without asking questions.  Chowder’s stupidity has gotten him into trouble in the past, such as when he got his head stuck in the veil once while officiating in sacred temple ordinances.

Chowder is the youngest of eight children in his family, all named Oliver, but oddly, he’s the only male.

Esra “Daffy” Benzon - President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

President Benzon was a skilled barber.

Esra “Daffy” Benzon

President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Daffy Benzon is senile, there is no question about it, he has been for years.  Everyone knows it.  It’s not a secret.  He is closely watched and carefully supervised at all times.  Prior to his senility Benzon was just plain nuts, hence the name “Daffy.”

Benzon grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and served as a missionary for that church in a number of countries, many of whom asked him to leave because of his bizarre behavior.  His missionary companions indicate that Daffy was initially just “an odd duck” but think his habit of eating the disinfectant cakes he found in urinals in public restrooms may have contributed to his “craziness.”

Daffy never married, and as far as we know, never had any children, but in his younger years dated many women, but rarely got a second date.  Daffy’s older sister thinks she knows why.  “Daffy’s idea of a date was to cover himself in processed American cheese and then hide in the bushes outside the girl’s home.  Some of the heftier girls were kind of into that on the first date, but they usually wanted some other kind of cheese for the second date, like cheddar or pepper jack, but Daffy only liked processed American cheese.”

In recent years Benzon has only given two talks in General Conference.  Last year’s entire talk was just one sentence: “When I pee, sometimes it makes me think I can fly.”  Three years ago at General Conference Benzon spoke quite eloquently for 30 seconds on the importance of good manners.  Then he pulled a live newborn puppy from his pocket, ate it, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

Boyle K. Pecker - Acting President of the Twelve

Boyle K. Pecker

Boyle K. Pecker

Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Pecker is one of the meanest, cruelest, most hate-filled people on the planet today.  And as he explains, this is by his personal choice.  “My parents, the Jensens were soft-hearted Latter Day Saint people and as is usual, other Latter Day Saints took advantage of them something awful.  They gave me this name in hopes that I would grow up to be an arrogant, self-centered prick, and I haven’t disappointed them.”

Pecker has also tried to be actively involved in politics throughout his life, but has never found a political party or group of individuals that were nasty enough.  “Sure, we had Dick Cheney, and that was a good start, Cheney is almost pure evil, but ‘almost’ isn’t good enough for me.”

Pecker had varied career interests before becoming a General Authority.  “I was a crossing guard near an elementary school, where I would throw soft mushy food at children who crossed too slowly.  I was a morning orderly at a nursing home where my primary job was to wake the residents at 5:30 with a bucket of cold water.  And, I worked various customer service jobs for the government in which I told people they were in the wrong line.”

Not surprisingly, Pecker has never married, never had sex, and still wets the bed.  He sucks his thumb for an hour every night, then puts on his “Magic Pajamas” and goes to bed, sleeping with the light on all night.

Kim Ball Spencer - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder(ess) Kim Ball Spencer

Kim Ball Spencer

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder(ess) Spencer is the only woman Apostle in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  Like most other churches in the Latter Day Saint movement the Moron Church follows the Moronic prohibition on women holding the priesthood.  Elder(ess) Spencer, however concealed the fact that she was female until very recently.  “That’s a chick?” said a surprised Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “she is butt ugly.  Look at all that facial hair, and on a chick, too? That’s disgusting.”

Elder(ess) Spencer explains that she is not a transgendered person, rather she felt that in order to compete in a man’s world it was necessary to appear to be a man.  “All of the Spencer women have been able to grow beards and mustaches, it’s given us some real advantages.  Have you ever noticed, for example, that the line is always shorter for the men’s restroom than the women’s?”

Elder(ess) Spencer has been a prolific writer, writing dozens of books, with her most famous one being “Forgiving the Miracles” which in hindsight seems to explain how she “fathered” nine children with her wife.  Recently conducted DNA tests indicate that none of the couple’s nine children are related to either Elder(ess) Spencer, nor her wife (in fact, three of the children are older than Elder(ess) Spencer.)

Elder(ess) Spencer’s position as an apostle was in jeopardy and a special Church Court was convened to consider the matter, but it was quickly resolved when the Resurrected Angel of Joseph Smith personally appeared and spoke on Spencer’s behalf.  “Bearded ladies are hot!” said the founding prophet of the Latter Day Saint movement, settling the matter once and for all.

Woodrow Wilford Snow - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Woodrow Wilford Snow

Woodrow Wilford Snow

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Little is known about Elder Snow other than that he likes to dress in fancy clothes, has had plastic surgery to maintain a “boyish” appearance, and he colors his hair.

His last three General Conference talks degenerated into little more than 20-minute personal rants about the difficulty of finding a good hair stylist.

He is single and is believed to be left handed.  He occasionally sleeps on park benches, and urinates in public.

Max A. Nealwell of the Quorum of the Twelve

Max A. Nealwell

Max A. Nealwell

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Nealwell is a deep thinker.  His hat is used to hold the Sacred Seer Stone whenever the Prophet needs to receive written instructions directly from God.

The deep and thoughtful talks he gives in General Conferences are seen as evidence that he actually believes some of this stuff instead of just making it up as he goes along like the other General Authorities.  His long, boring talks usually put most of the other GA’s to sleep.

He converted to the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints after having been a bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  “I was asking the blessing on the food at a family meal once, and I had so much to be thankful for that I couldn’t stop praying, and my wife and children starved to death.  Ever since then I have learned to keep mealtime prayers to 48 hours or less.”

Elder Nealwell never remarried.

Margaret G. Romney - Quorum of the Twelve

Elder Margaret G. Romney (left) shown with his wife, Alice, a used teddy bear Romney purchased at a thrift store.

Margaret G. Romney

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Although “Margaret” is usually a woman’s name, Margaret G. Romney is male (and he asks that we also explain that he has no gender confusion or identity problems.  He dresses in women’s clothing to be pretty, and likes the feel of women’s underwear against his skin.)  He took the name “Margaret” in adulthood after being born with the name “Martha.”

Elder Romney comes from a politically active family.  “My father was the first woman dog catcher in East Undershirt, New Jersey,” he boasts.  “My mother grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and had some difficulty with the teachings of her bishop that her duty was to obey my father, and vote however she was told.  She killed that bishop, and the next two they sent looking for him.  Finally they quit sending bishops out on the searching parties, so Mother was reduced to killing high councilors and Elders Quorum Presidents.  Mother could never ‘feel the spirit’ when killing folks lower ranked than bishops, so our family quit that church and she started killing politicians.”

It was while visiting his mother on Death Row that young Martha Romney realized his calling to the ministry.  “Those lost souls who had nothing to live for, who only looked to the ‘great beyond’ inspired me to get into a line of work where I could convince people that this life is meaningless, that they should waste all their time preparing for eternity.  Sometimes I’m so successful at teaching people to plan for eternity, they give me all their money.  This is a great racket.”

When Elder Romney considered a run for political office several years ago, someone told him that he would need to be married to be a credible candidate.  He went out that same day and purchased Alice (see photo at left), and while he has never yet been elected to anything, he has a very happy marriage.  The couple is considering purchasing some children.

Bruce R. McConkle - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Bruce R. McConkle

Bruce R. McConkle

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Author of the very important book “Moron Doctrine” in which he adopts most of the Moronic teachings from the book “Mormon Doctrine” by former Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Apostle Bruce R. McConkie.

McConkle is well known as an interpreter of dreams in which he claims that most dreams are about masturbation or other forms of self-pleasuring.  “I can testify to this from personal experience,” he said at last year’s General Priesthood Session.  McConkle apparently had much more to say on the subject, but was dragged away from the podium by Boyle K. Pecker, who was anxious to compare notes with McConkle.

McConkle’s book “Moron Doctrine” adopting the tradition of online publications has several hundred pages devoted to “Frequently Asked Questions on the Minds of Morons.”  Elder McConkle has given permission for us to excerpt a few of the questions and answers here.

Q: Does God’s urine have an odor?
A: Not as much as you would think.

Q: How tall is God?
A: Pretty tall.

Q: Was the “Virgin Mary” really a virgin?
A: She was until she had sex.

Q: How painful was it to be crucified?
A: Pretty painful.

Q: Before God created Eve, what did Adam dream about?
A: Trees with knotholes.

Q: Is it hard to be an Apostle and write a book like this?
A: Not as hard as you would think.