Posted on February 13th, 2012 No comments
We have just released this new Valentine’s Day video.
Posted on December 1st, 2010 No comments
Most Excellent Potentate (known to some as “Oh Say What Is Truth”) has been appointed to the recently created important office of President of Apostolic Vices and Vice Bishop for Public Nudity, Licentiousness and Carnality. In this role he will serve as the President of the Quorum of Apostolic Vices and will serve without counselors. Because of this, his duties will be very “hands on” with all Apostolic Vices and will be responsible for personally watching and engaging in a variety of Apostolic Vice actions.
Members of the Quorum of Apostolic Vices will be known as Vice Apostles with special assignments to “touch” both the lives and the bodies of members desiring to be so touched. The Vice Apostles will help members get that “special feeling” that can often only be accomplished by applying warm, scented oil in certain special ways.
The Moron Church is now accepting applications for membership in the Quorum of Apostolic Vices. Please submit a résumé and appropriate video evidence of your qualifications. Veterans, minorities, women and amputees are encouraged to apply. Registered sex offenders will only be considered for positions in the afterlife. Void where prohibited by law. Position requires multiple organ donations, cultivation of open sores on legs, arms and neck, and handling toxic waste in the nude. These positions are all “church service” (volunteer) positions with no salary, health benefits or food or travel reimbursement. All church employees must live the standards of the church and are subject to body cavity searches without warning at any time, while at work or while away from work.
Posted on September 24th, 2010 No comments
Click to download a copy of the Proclamation of Apology to Latter Day Saint Women
Posted on February 18th, 2010 No comments
We are pleased to announce that we have made arrangements for several Divine Visitations in the not too distant future. After extensive negotiations, exact dates of the visitations have not been firmed up, but the preconditions required for the visitations have been agreed to.
1. When the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints fan page on Facebook reaches 1000 fans, the angel Moron I and his unicorn White Salamander will visit three cities and two small towns in Utah offering rides to children under 100 lbs.. For each additional 1000 fans to the Facebook page, Moron I and White Salamander will visit three cities and two small towns in one additional states, on this list: California, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Maine, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois. Once the number of Facebook fans reaches 10,000, Moron I and White Salamander will begin visiting all 50 US states, all of the provinces and territories of Canada, and a few other English speaking countries.
2. When the total number of subscribers to the Moron Church’ YouTube channel reaches 1,000 Jesus will visit Hastings, Nebraska. When the number of subscribers reaches 10,000, Jesus will visit Salt Lake City and attempt to get an audience with the COJCOLDS First Presidency to set them straight on a few things.
3. When the total number of views of the Moron Church’s YouTube videos reaches 25,000 Jesus’s dad will travel to Rome to seek an audience with the Pope, and will invite religious leaders from hundreds of Christian, Jewish and Muslim sects and cults to attend.
4. When the total number of views of the Moron Church’s YouTube videos reaches 1 million, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will personally appear at the United Nations building in New York City, and summon all world leaders to attend and be instructed in the true order of pasta, and the establishment of a Noodly way of life for everyone, in a world free from hunger, hatred and disease.
Please help spread the word.
Share links to this page. Post links to our Facebook fan page, our YouTube channel and our website on your blogs, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking.
Become a fan of the Moron Church Facebook page
Become a fan of the Moron Church Facebook Fan Page and invite all your friends and family to do the same. Post comments, photos and links to the fan page’s wall.
Subscribe to the Moron Church’s YouTube channel:
Subscribe to the Moron Church’s YouTube channel
and invite all your friends and family to do the same.
Visit the Moron Church website
With many fascinating and educational pages of the Moron Church website you will want to share links with your friends to your favorite parts. Be sure to post your comments so that others may be edified.
Share links to individual Moron Church YouTube videos
Family, friends, neighbors and co-workers will be blessed by watching these faith-promoting videos.
We need everyone’s help to accomplish these important goals and bring these great blessings to the Earth.
Won’t you please do all you can? . . . . I knew you would.
Posted on December 1st, 2009 No comments
Moron Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard announced today that Patriarchal Blessings are now on sale for the special reduced price of $16.99 (a savings of $8.01) to anyone who wants one. Persons desiring (and paying for) a Patriarchal Blessing need not be members of any Latter Day Saint church, or be worthy in any way. They simply need to be desirous of knowing what the Lord God of the Universe has in mind for them, and they must pay the fee in advance.
Please contact the Moron Church via e-mail at email@example.com for instructions on how to submit payment. The Patriarchal Blessing will be sent out via return e-mail after payment has been received. In the Patriarchal Blessing you can expect to be told all sorts of valuable information about your future, both in this life and in the one to come. Patriarch Howard will personally supervise the random assignment of catch phrases to ultimately be assembled and e-mailed to each recipient. Patriarchal Blessings offered by the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints supersede patriarchal blessings from any other church (especially COJCOLDS, but including the Community of Christ–where they call them Evangelist Blessings).
Order your Patriarchal Blessing now. This sale won’t last.
No coupon necessary. Not valid with any other offer. Must be 18 to apply. Not all applicants will qualify for our best financing terms. See store for details. Purchaser responsible for all taxes, tariffs and duties. For entertainment purposes only.
Posted on April 20th, 2009 1 comment
Our friends at the Salamander Society have produced this genuine photograph of Pope Benedict XVI and President Thomas S. Monson, President Number XVI of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, waving to crowds in Rome after the Pope hosted Monson for a sleep over recently. Apparently the two crazy kids thought it would be fun to swap religious clothing for a few hours. Shortly after the above picture was taken, the two changed into cut-off shorts and T-shirts and went bike riding around Rome. Moron Church of Latter-day Saints Prophet for Eternity Gordon B. Hinky was invited to attend the sleepover, but declined, because he is dead.
Mormon and Catholic Church spokespeople refused to give specifics of what the Pope and “Mope” did during the sleep over, but S’mores, pillow fights, and experimenting with makeup were on the agenda. Practical jokes were thought to be part of the night’s entertainment as well, but the spokespeople quickly quieted that rumor by saying the Pope always sleeps with toothpaste in his hair, and President Monson was already planning to get a tattoo reading “Kiss Me I’m Swedish.”
Posted on April 20th, 2009 4 comments
Most people don’t realize that Latter Day Saints have had popes also. All of you Catholics out there who have been wanting to become LDS, but were worried you wouldn’t have a pope to say bad things about can now join our church. Please do so, and begin paying tithing immediately.
Posted on April 7th, 2009 1 comment
Hunter W. Howard
Church Patriarch – Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone
The responsibilities of the Church Patriarch in the Latter Day Saint movement have varied considerably over the years. Some say that Hunter W. Howard, the current Church Patriarch of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has taken advantage of this confusion for the purpose of lining his own pocket by charging church members for “special” blessings. “I don’t see it that way at all,” explained Howard. “I have found that if members pay hard-earned money for their blessings, they appreciate them more. And, the more they pay, the more they appreciate them.”
“I give blessings to the family members of General Authorities for half price,” said Howard. “They’re a bunch of cheap bastards and never want to pay full price for anything.” In one recent blessing to a grandchild of President Gordon B. Hinky, Howard promised the young man that he would have an opportunity in this lifetime to vote John Quincy Adams into a second term in the White House. In a blessing to one of M. Russell Russell M’s cousins, he promised the young woman that she would one day walk naked across the Atlantic Ocean from Charleston, South Carolina to Liverpool, England.
Howard is also the Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone and uses the Sacred Seer Stone when giving these special blessings. He is responsible to have it handy whenever President Monsoon wants to use it to receive written instructions from the Big Guy Upstairs. “I’ve lost the damned thing several times,” confides Howard, “and whenever I do, I just go out to some rock pile somewhere and get another. One works as well as the next.”
Posted on April 7th, 2009 No comments
Sidney Rigatoni has only been the Presiding Bishop of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints for a few months, but is enthusiastic about his new position. “I used to be in the Quorum of the Seventy, and those boys are all dumb asses. I’m glad to be away from them. This has to be better than hanging out with them.”
Bishop Rigatoni comes to the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints after a stint as a Pastafarian, and in fact makes his own pasta, which he carries around in his pockets. Bishop Rigatoni also has the unusual personal habit of saving his ear wax. “I use it to make candles in case there is a blackout,” he explained.
Also serving in the Presiding Bishopric are Erastus Grant Cannon, first counselor, and Whitney S. Quentin, second counselor. Bishop Cannon’s primary function as a General Authority is to attend training meetings of various kinds throughout the church, and stand at the front of the room, near the chalk board. “If anything ever needs erased, I get to do it, because my name, Erastus, is more like ‘Eraser’ than anyone else’s,” he explained. Bishop Quentin is even less intelligent. “I just like this calling, because we all wear hats,” he said.
After hearing the comments from his counselors Bishop Rigatoni remarked, “I knew I made the right decision, these guys are a lot smarter than those Morons in the Seventy.”
Posted on April 7th, 2009 No comments
President Paul H. Didn’t of the Seventy
President Paul H. Didn’t has served as the senior president in the Presidency of the Seventy longer than anyone in history. Elder Didn’t has a long and varied history and has often thrilled General Conference audiences with inspirational stories from the days before he was called as a General Authority. One of the most memorable stories is how during the Second World War he was due to be shipped out with his unit, but stayed behind to give a priesthood blessing to a very sick little girl in New Jersey. The girl was miraculously completely healed by Elder Didn’t's blessing and he immediately left to swim the Atlantic Ocean just in time to lead the D-Day invasion of Normandy. Tragically, however, just a few minutes after Elder Didn’t left, the little girl contracted a new, much stronger case of the same disease and died. Elder Didn’t was also a professional athlete, and played in several Super Bowls in the 1940′s and 50′s, more than a decade before Super Bowls were organized.
President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy
President Parley P. Orson of the Seventy is fondly remembered by Morons worldwide for an opening prayer he once gave at General Conference. President Orson asked God to take notes for him, because he “had to take a leak.” Later President Orson expressed disappointment that when returned from the bathroom there weren’t gold plates with notes from God waiting for him on his chair. In another memorable General Conference moment, President Orson told of a vision he once had, of sugar plums dancing in his head.
President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy
President Orson P. Parley of the Seventy is a history buff and is particularly interested in the history of the Mormon pioneers. In an effort to symbolically recreate the trek of the Mormon Handcart Pioneers, over a period of three months, Parley rode an elevator up and down the Empire State Building four thousand, six hundred and eight-three times while pushing a hot dog cart.
President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the Seventy
President Jeffrey R. Jeffers of the of the Seventy worked for many years for the Audio Visual Department of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He enjoyed the old Johnny Lingo video so much, that he took eight cows for his wives. Jeffers is brother, first cousin, second cousin, uncle, grandfather, half-brother, and nephew to each of the Jeffers brothers who serve in the Young Men and Young Women Presidencies.
President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy
President Heber J. Hyrum of the Seventy is one of the rare General Authorities in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints who owns a Bible. “I haven’t read any of the Bible yet, but I hear there are some interesting stories in it,” he said in a recent General Conference talk. During the rest of his talk President Hyrum talked about drinking from a garden hose and his favorite flavors of Jell-o.