Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Inspired by Insana Dee

    Posted on September 24th, 2010 admin    First Prez, Other Leaders, Videos No comments

    Click to download a copy of the Proclamation of Apology to Latter Day Saint Women

  • Gordon B. Hinky – President and Prophet for Eternity

    Posted on April 8th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Gordon B. Hinky blows a magic whistle to request a visit with an angel.

    Gordon B. Hinky.

    Gordon B. Hinky

    President and Prophet for Eternity

    Gordon B. Hinky was born in a log cabin during the time of the Protestant Reformation.  He advanced through the church to become President and Prophet for Eternity, so even after his death, he continues to be the Prophet.  Videotape surveillance indicates he may actually have died in 1987, but no one noticed until 2008, when he was buried in the Hill Cummorah next to the Urim and Thumim.

    In the photo at the left the great Prophet for Eternity is shown blowing a special recorder to summon a visit from an angel.  Further information about this great Prophet can be found in the book written by former Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prophet Gordon B. Hinckley’s non-existent brother entitled “Sitting for Nothing.”

  • S. Tommy Monsoon – Prophet and President

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments

    Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon

    Born Osama bin Monson, Monsoon took his current prophetic name in honor of the storms that plague many parts of the globe.   “Monsoons are big storms with lots of blowing wind and hard-driven rain,” said the Moron Church leader.  “And like both Moron and Mormon leaders before me, I focus my personal ministry on being a big blowhard.”

    Monsoon clearly has been blessed with special gifts that allow him to lead the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  “I have three nipples,” he recently told a church publication.  “That extra nipple comes in very handy in certain sacred temple ordinances that I can’t talk about with people who only have two nipples.”

    Monsoon knew from a young age that he would be called to be a leader among the Morons.  “I have been visited by angels many times,” he said, “and they always told me that if I would share my liquor with them, they would put in a good word for me with the Big Guy.  It obviously worked, because here I am, and those angels are still lying drunk in an alley in Salt Lake City.”

    In the photo, notice the tattoo of the temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on the prophet’s shoulder.  Normally the sacred temple tattoos are only shown to impressionable young women who show special interest in the Prophet behind closed doors.

  • Henry Eyeball — First Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Henry Eyeball

    Henry Eyeball after Hoax's terrible prank, but before the miraculous surgery performed by M. Russell Russell M

    Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

    Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

    Henry Eyeball

    First Counselor in the First Presidency.

    Henry Eyeball is still considered both a prophet and a revelator, but because he has only one eye, he is a “looker” instead of a “seer.”  Eyeball was formerly known as Henry Three Eyes due to an unusual birth defect.  Apostle Dale Lynn Hoax is responsible for a practical joke that went tragically wrong resulting in Eyeball’s name change.

    Fortunately for Eyeball, one of the conjoined twins comprising the Apostle(s)  M. Russell Russell M is a skilled surgeon, and was able to perform surgery on Three Eyes only a few days after Hoax’s prank, leading to a complete recovery, and a stylish new look.

  • Dieter F. Achtung – 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    President Dieter F. Achtung

    President Dieter F. Achtung

    Dieter F. Achtung

    2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Achtung was called into the First Presidency for his strict interpretation of Moron Doctrine.  Known as a harsh disciplinarian, with a violent temper many outside the faith are stunned by his career choice in the ministry.  Achtung had an early career in research that was never fully satisfying for him.

    Born Delroy Malcolm Clark on the island of Jamaica, Achtung never knew his father, who was believed to be a German sailor who frequented the Caribbean region.  Young Delroy Clark could never come to grips with his parentage or his race, and fabricated an elaborate back story of who he really was.  He worked menial jobs such as hauling pig intestines to local orphanages to earn money for plastic surgery to transform himself.  Achtung frequently uses stories of his humble beginnings in his General Conference talks, like the one about working as a vomit taster for a Haitian pharmaceutical company.  “Tasting other people’s vomit in the interest of medical science humbles a man,” explained Achtung.  “I worked at that job for over seven years, tasting both human and animal vomit before I learned it was all a practical joke.  The good thing about it was that my supervisor, Dale Lynn Hoax, also helped me land this job.”

    Delroy changed his name to Achtung after the successful plastic surgery, again crediting Elder Hoax with the results.  “When the plastic surgeon asked me what I wanted to look like when the surgery was done, I didn’t really know.  My friend Dale Lynn Hoax suggested this face, and I have been popular ever since.”

    Achtung’s responsibilities for the Church include special nighttime visits to less active members.  “Initially they are frightened, but after I offer them a nice meal of beef, boiled potatoes and sauerkraut, they begin to soften up.”  Achtung has received several gun shot wounds as a result of his nighttime visits, but he usually takes M Russell Russell M with him nowadays, so surgery can be performed in the car on the way to the hospital.

  • Oliver Chowder – Extra Counselor in 1st Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Oliver Chowder

    Oliver Chowder

    Oliver Chowder

    Additional Counselor in the First Presidency

    Chowder was given the role of Additional or “Extra” Counselor in the First Presidency because he is young enough to be energetic, and just stupid enough to follow orders without asking questions.  Chowder’s stupidity has gotten him into trouble in the past, such as when he got his head stuck in the veil once while officiating in sacred temple ordinances.

    Chowder is the youngest of eight children in his family, all named Oliver, but oddly, he’s the only male.