Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • James E. Talcum – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder James E. Talcum

    Elder James E. Talcum

    James E. Talcum

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder Talcum’s book “Jesus The Moron” provides Moronic revealed truth about Jesus, that most people were unaware of.  The book is considered a “near Standard Work” among many Morons.  Talcum, using a mix of amphetamines and hallucinogenic drugs, wrote the entire 987-page book in just four days, and offers this profound recollection of the process.  “Man, did I get the munchies while working on that book.”

    Considered by far the most intellectual and most intelligent of all the General Authorities, Elder Talcum wears a specially designed apparatus on his head, to keep his brain from leaving his head and ascending directly into heaven.  Elder Talcum, the only polygamist in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, is married to seven swimming swans.

  • Lorenzo M. Ballard – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder Lorenzo M. Ballard

    Elder Lorenzo M. Ballard

    Lorenzo M. Ballard

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder Ballard is the Chairman of the Strengthening the Members Committee for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  The committee’s activities include gathering information on members who are in any way having difficulties or causing problems.  The members so identified are then hunted down and bull-whipped.  Elder Ballard often sings old Hank Williams yodeling tunes during the bull whippings.

    Ballard travels extensively for the Church, always alone, except for his trusty horse, Spangles.  “It ain’t easy being a singing cowboy apostle to the Morons,” he recently told a newspaper in New Jersey, “but somebody’s got to do it.”

    Ballard rarely makes it to General Conference, but made an appearance a few years ago and demonstrated his ability with a six-shooter by attempting to shoot apples off the heads of some of his fellow Apostles.  (This trick necessitated changing the name of what had formerly been the Quroum of the Eighteen Apostles.)