Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Esra “Daffy” Benzon – President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    President Benzon was a skilled barber.

    President Benzon was a skilled barber.

    Esra “Daffy” Benzon

    President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Daffy Benzon is senile, there is no question about it, he has been for years.  Everyone knows it.  It’s not a secret.  He is closely watched and carefully supervised at all times.  Prior to his senility Benzon was just plain nuts, hence the name “Daffy.”

    Benzon grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and served as a missionary for that church in a number of countries, many of whom asked him to leave because of his bizarre behavior.  His missionary companions indicate that Daffy was initially just “an odd duck” but think his habit of eating the disinfectant cakes he found in urinals in public restrooms may have contributed to his “craziness.”

    Daffy never married, and as far as we know, never had any children, but in his younger years dated many women, but rarely got a second date.  Daffy’s older sister thinks she knows why.  “Daffy’s idea of a date was to cover himself in processed American cheese and then hide in the bushes outside the girl’s home.  Some of the heftier girls were kind of into that on the first date, but they usually wanted some other kind of cheese for the second date, like cheddar or pepper jack, but Daffy only liked processed American cheese.”

    In recent years Benzon has only given two talks in General Conference.  Last year’s entire talk was just one sentence: “When I pee, sometimes it makes me think I can fly.”  Three years ago at General Conference Benzon spoke quite eloquently for 30 seconds on the importance of good manners.  Then he pulled a live newborn puppy from his pocket, ate it, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

  • Boyle K. Pecker – Acting President of the Twelve

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Boyle K. Pecker

    Boyle K. Pecker

    Boyle K. Pecker

    Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Pecker is one of the meanest, cruelest, most hate-filled people on the planet today.  And as he explains, this is by his personal choice.  “My parents, the Jensens were soft-hearted Latter Day Saint people and as is usual, other Latter Day Saints took advantage of them something awful.  They gave me this name in hopes that I would grow up to be an arrogant, self-centered prick, and I haven’t disappointed them.”

    Pecker has also tried to be actively involved in politics throughout his life, but has never found a political party or group of individuals that were nasty enough.  “Sure, we had Dick Cheney, and that was a good start, Cheney is almost pure evil, but ‘almost’ isn’t good enough for me.”

    Pecker had varied career interests before becoming a General Authority.  “I was a crossing guard near an elementary school, where I would throw soft mushy food at children who crossed too slowly.  I was a morning orderly at a nursing home where my primary job was to wake the residents at 5:30 with a bucket of cold water.  And, I worked various customer service jobs for the government in which I told people they were in the wrong line.”

    Not surprisingly, Pecker has never married, never had sex, and still wets the bed.  He sucks his thumb for an hour every night, then puts on his “Magic Pajamas” and goes to bed, sleeping with the light on all night.

  • Kim Ball Spencer – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder(ess) Kim Ball Spencer

    Elder(ess) Kim Ball Spencer

    Kim Ball Spencer

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder(ess) Spencer is the only woman Apostle in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  Like most other churches in the Latter Day Saint movement the Moron Church follows the Moronic prohibition on women holding the priesthood.  Elder(ess) Spencer, however concealed the fact that she was female until very recently.  “That’s a chick?” said a surprised Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “she is butt ugly.  Look at all that facial hair, and on a chick, too? That’s disgusting.”

    Elder(ess) Spencer explains that she is not a transgendered person, rather she felt that in order to compete in a man’s world it was necessary to appear to be a man.  “All of the Spencer women have been able to grow beards and mustaches, it’s given us some real advantages.  Have you ever noticed, for example, that the line is always shorter for the men’s restroom than the women’s?”

    Elder(ess) Spencer has been a prolific writer, writing dozens of books, with her most famous one being “Forgiving the Miracles” which in hindsight seems to explain how she “fathered” nine children with her wife.  Recently conducted DNA tests indicate that none of the couple’s nine children are related to either Elder(ess) Spencer, nor her wife (in fact, three of the children are older than Elder(ess) Spencer.)

    Elder(ess) Spencer’s position as an apostle was in jeopardy and a special Church Court was convened to consider the matter, but it was quickly resolved when the Resurrected Angel of Joseph Smith personally appeared and spoke on Spencer’s behalf.  “Bearded ladies are hot!” said the founding prophet of the Latter Day Saint movement, settling the matter once and for all.

  • Woodrow Wilford Snow – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder Woodrow Wilford Snow

    Elder Woodrow Wilford Snow

    Woodrow Wilford Snow

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Little is known about Elder Snow other than that he likes to dress in fancy clothes, has had plastic surgery to maintain a “boyish” appearance, and he colors his hair.

    His last three General Conference talks degenerated into little more than 20-minute personal rants about the difficulty of finding a good hair stylist.

    He is single and is believed to be left handed.  He occasionally sleeps on park benches, and urinates in public.

  • Max A. Nealwell of the Quorum of the Twelve

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles 3 comments
    nealwell

    Max A. Nealwell

    Max A. Nealwell

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Nealwell is a deep thinker.  His hat is used to hold the Sacred Seer Stone whenever the Prophet needs to receive written instructions directly from God.

    The deep and thoughtful talks he gives in General Conferences are seen as evidence that he actually believes some of this stuff instead of just making it up as he goes along like the other General Authorities.  His long, boring talks usually put most of the other GA’s to sleep.

    He converted to the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints after having been a bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  “I was asking the blessing on the food at a family meal once, and I had so much to be thankful for that I couldn’t stop praying, and my wife and children starved to death.  Ever since then I have learned to keep mealtime prayers to 48 hours or less.”

    Elder Nealwell never remarried.

  • Margaret G. Romney – Quorum of the Twelve

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder Margaret G. Romney (left) shown with his wife, Alice, a used teddy bear Romney purchased at a thrift store.

    Elder Margaret G. Romney (left) shown with his wife, Alice, a used teddy bear Romney purchased at a thrift store.

    Margaret G. Romney

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Although “Margaret” is usually a woman’s name, Margaret G. Romney is male (and he asks that we also explain that he has no gender confusion or identity problems.  He dresses in women’s clothing to be pretty, and likes the feel of women’s underwear against his skin.)  He took the name “Margaret” in adulthood after being born with the name “Martha.”

    Elder Romney comes from a politically active family.  “My father was the first woman dog catcher in East Undershirt, New Jersey,” he boasts.  “My mother grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and had some difficulty with the teachings of her bishop that her duty was to obey my father, and vote however she was told.  She killed that bishop, and the next two they sent looking for him.  Finally they quit sending bishops out on the searching parties, so Mother was reduced to killing high councilors and Elders Quorum Presidents.  Mother could never ‘feel the spirit’ when killing folks lower ranked than bishops, so our family quit that church and she started killing politicians.”

    It was while visiting his mother on Death Row that young Martha Romney realized his calling to the ministry.  “Those lost souls who had nothing to live for, who only looked to the ‘great beyond’ inspired me to get into a line of work where I could convince people that this life is meaningless, that they should waste all their time preparing for eternity.  Sometimes I’m so successful at teaching people to plan for eternity, they give me all their money.  This is a great racket.”

    When Elder Romney considered a run for political office several years ago, someone told him that he would need to be married to be a credible candidate.  He went out that same day and purchased Alice (see photo at left), and while he has never yet been elected to anything, he has a very happy marriage.  The couple is considering purchasing some children.

  • Bruce R. McConkle – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Bruce R. McConkle

    Bruce R. McConkle

    Bruce R. McConkle

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Author of the very important book “Moron Doctrine” in which he adopts most of the Moronic teachings from the book “Mormon Doctrine” by former Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Apostle Bruce R. McConkie.

    McConkle is well known as an interpreter of dreams in which he claims that most dreams are about masturbation or other forms of self-pleasuring.  “I can testify to this from personal experience,” he said at last year’s General Priesthood Session.  McConkle apparently had much more to say on the subject, but was dragged away from the podium by Boyle K. Pecker, who was anxious to compare notes with McConkle.

    McConkle’s book “Moron Doctrine” adopting the tradition of online publications has several hundred pages devoted to “Frequently Asked Questions on the Minds of Morons.”  Elder McConkle has given permission for us to excerpt a few of the questions and answers here.

    Q: Does God’s urine have an odor?
    A: Not as much as you would think.

    Q: How tall is God?
    A: Pretty tall.

    Q: Was the “Virgin Mary” really a virgin?
    A: She was until she had sex.

    Q: How painful was it to be crucified?
    A: Pretty painful.

    Q: Before God created Eve, what did Adam dream about?
    A: Trees with knotholes.

    Q: Is it hard to be an Apostle and write a book like this?
    A: Not as hard as you would think.

  • Richard LeGrand – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder Richard LeGRand

    Elder Richard LeGrand

    Richard LeGrand

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder LeGrand is old and smells bad.  He farts a lot, but is universally loved by his brethren in the Twelve, as evidenced by their many kind-hearted comments.  “Keep that smelly bastard away from me,” said Margaret G. Romney.  “Why doesn’t the old fart just die, already?” asked Bruce R. McConkle.

    Each year at General Conference Elder LeGrand is given a special seat of honor and distinction, outside on the porch.  His wife of 70 years, Harlena, explains why, “He doesn’t stink because he’s old.  He stinks because he stinks.  He always has, it’s been like being married to a pig farm.  He keeps wanting to ‘consummate’ our marriage, but I tell him that unless he takes an industrial strength bath and uses some mouthwash he can just wait another 70 years.”  The couple has no children.

    Elder LeGrand was called into the Quorum of the Twelve as a personal favor to former US President Franklin D. Roosevelt as a result of LeGrand’s top secret work during the Second World War.  On December 8, 1941, the morning after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, LeGrand was towed 150 miles out to sea, off the coast of California.  As the Japanese invasion fleet neared his position, his tremendous odor caused the invaders to turn their ships back.  LeGrand stayed at his post in the ocean for the rest of the war, receiving food and supplies dropped by airplanes, and single-handedly kept the west coast of the United States safe from invasion.

  • M. Russell Russell M – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles 1 comment
    Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M

    Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M

    M. Russell Russell M

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M is/are conjoined twins, connected at the hip, each with control of his/their one set of legs.  He/they have only one set of sexual organs, but two anuses.  Both of the heads claim to be M. Russell and that the other one is Russell M.  One of the heads claims that he/they are two distinct individuals, the other says that he/they are one distinct individual with multiple personality disorder, and that the other head has the personality disorder and should be put into a mental hospital.  This does cause some problems in Quorum of the Twelve Apostles meetings, in determining how many votes M. Russell Russell M should get and whether he/they should be referred to as “Elder” or “Elders” M Russell Russell M.  A compromise solution of sorts has been worked out, in that when he/they are sitting, only one chair is occupied, so he/they are considered one individual.  When offering sustaining votes, however, he/they is/are considered two individuals since he/they has/have four total arms.

    One of the two heads attended medical school and became a first-rate surgeon, while the other worked as a short order cook to pay his twin’s tuition.  Animosity between the two reached dangerous levels, until they reached the compromise position of going into the ministry.  “It has worked out well for both of us,” said one of the heads.  “My experience cutting people open prepared me to make never-ending appeals for increased tithing from the members, while his experience working in the kitchen prepared him for an eternity in hell.”  “Oh, bite me,” responded the other head.  “I’m the doctor, you liar.  Go make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”  Some animosity remains.

    One of the heads was married briefly to a two-way mirror named Helen, but the marriage ended tragically when Helen either fell, jumped, or was thrown to the pavement from the top seat in a double ferris wheel.  The marriage produced no children.

  • Dale Lynn Hoax – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder Dale Lynn Hoax

    Elder Dale Lynn Hoax

    Dale Lynn Hoax

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder Dale Lynn Hoax attended law school and had academically perfect marks, but his professors realized that he couldn’t meet the low standards of ethical behavior necessary to be an ambulance chasing lawyer, so they encouraged him to go into the ministry.  Hoax has excelled in his calling, providing shyster legal advice and employing every cheap, dirty trick in the book to keep the church out of trouble for the many crimes it has committed.

    When not actively working a swindle of some sort (either on behalf of the church or for his own benefit) Hoax enjoys playing practical jokes.  His favorite targets are vulnerable elderly people whose confidence he has gained.  “I don’t think a practical joke is funny without significant bloodshed,” Hoax explained.  “So I try to focus on people taking blood thinners.”

    Elder Hoax’s horseplay hasn’t gone unreciprocated.  His colleagues in the Twelve set him up with a “hot woman” whom Hoax married in the temple.  He thought he was enjoying a blissful marriage only to find out 18 years later that his wife was a department store mannequin. Still, Hoax is philosophical about it all.  “I always knew she was quiet and shy, but I still think she’ll make a good mother to our children someday.”