Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • News Briefs

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Happenings No comments

    Idaho Falls Autopsies Completed

    On the first Sunday in April this year, the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints bishopric in Idaho Falls turned on the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for their congregation, and then went out for coffee and doughnuts.  They had intended to only be gone for about 30 minutes, but the waitress was kind of cute, and one thing led to another.  They eventually returned just as the General Conference session was ending, only to find that everyone in their congregation was dead.  Initially some sort of gas leak was suspected, but autopsies revealed that the entire congregation had been bored to death.

    Special Blessings Offered to Thousands

    “The response was just overwhelming,” said Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard.  “We had assumed maybe a few hundred people would come for the Special Blessings I was selling, I mean, offering, but we had several thousand.  The lines stretched all the way down to Pinkie’s Porn Palace, around to that door where you have to know the special knock to be admitted.”  Howard refused to rush the spirit, and each blessing took more than two hours, but the people waited nonetheless.  Because of the sacred nature of the Special Blessings, attendees had been encouraged to fast for at least two full days prior to coming for their blessing. “For the first few days most people seemed to be holding up pretty well, but after about five days the heat and the starvation was just too much, and they were dropping like flies,” said Patriarch Howard.  “Eventually I had to start giving the blessings posthumously, but when I did that, I only charged half price.”

    President Chowder Recovering After Accident

    President Oliver Chowder of the First Presidency was scheduled to speak to a group of Young Women from the Church at a Salt Lake City hotel last weekend, but went down the wrong hallway and instead ended up speaking to the “Strident Feminists for Immediate Change.”  Chowder had barely begun his remarks, speaking about the eternal and unchanging role of women to have babies for their husbands, when a freak, unexplained wind gust blew several coffee cups, and one briefcase into Chowder’s head.  Chowder was unable to finish his remarks, and was taken to a local hospital, where a complete recovery is expected.

  • Three Nephites

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Happenings No comments
    The Three Nephites as depicted in a wax museum.  Photo courtesy of Stinkie Pinkie.

    The Three Nephites as depicted in a wax museum. Photo courtesy of Stinkie Pinkie.

    Three Nephites Immortalized in Wax

    As is the custom with great religious figures, statues of the Three Nephites have now been produced for the world to admire.  According to Latter Day Saint teachings, the Three Nephites were blessed to roam the entire world, never tasting death, working to bring about the greater glory of God or some such thing and facing all manner of persecutions for their efforts.  At first it seemed like a pretty neat thing, but after several hundred years this got boring for the Three Nephites, and in the 20th century they adopted the names of Moe, Larry and Curly and went into show business.  Their acts were well received, particularly the parts where they demonstrated the kinds of persecutions they had suffered over the years, being hit in the head with mallets, having their limbs sawed off, etc.
    An Internet search for them under their stage name “The Three Stooges” will quickly prove that their work was truly Moronic, in the finest Latter Day Saint tradition.

  • Audio Recordings Delivered

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Happenings, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes 1 comment

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Restoration of Restoration Continues Through Audio Recordings

    Because the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is a restoration of the restoration screwed up by Joseph Smith (founder of the Latter Day Saint movement widely known for telling lies), the Angel Moron I has recently delivered to Moron Church Headquarters several crates of Plastic Cassette Audiotapes of conversations and interviews involving various leaders in the Latter Day Saint movement.  “I haven’t counted the tapes, but a good many of them involve Joseph Smith,” said the angel.  When asked why the tapes were being delivered now, Moron explained further, “Well, Joe screwed up so many things, and Brigham, well, just don’t get me started on that fool.  Anyhow, since the time for the restoration of the restoration has come, the Big Guy Upstairs thought it would be useful for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, the One True Church, to use the information on the tapes to restore the restoration.”

    The angel also explained that after church employees had made verbatim transcripts of the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (without making audio copies of them) they were to be returned to him so they could be placed with the Golden Plates in the Hill Cummorah.  “I didn’t really have a good reason for putting the Golden Plates back in the side of the hill, but I want to be consistent about these things, so I’m taking these back also,” said Moron I.

    When questioned about how audiotape recordings could have been made in the 19th century, Moron I explained, “This Latter Day Saint movement is all about anachronisms.  Anachronisms don’t bother us because we know the kind of power the Big Guy Upstairs has.  If it’s His will, it will be done.”  The angel then went on to say that because there may be some few doubters that the tapes are legitimate, he has provided the photographic evidence above, as well as the “Testimony of the Three Witnesses” below.  (He’s hoping to round up eight more equally reliable witnesses to produce a second witness statement in the near future.)

    Testimony of the Three Witnesses

    Be it known unto all folks everywhere: That we, with special permission from an angel we have seen the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes which contain interviews, conversations and other neat stuff involving Joseph Smith, Emma Smith, Brigham Young, the Angel Moron I, and others. And we also know that they have been recorded by the gift and power of the Big Guy Upstairs, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have heard a portion of the recordings with our spiritual ears by the power of the Big Guy Upstairs, and not of man. And we declare with words of soberness (despite the fact that we’ve all been drinking heavily this evening), that an angel came down from heaven, and he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes; and we know that it is by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs through the mediation of an angel that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of the Joseph Smith himself commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in doing this thing, we shall get more liquor from the angel, and be found drunk in an alley in the morning.  And the honor be to Joseph Smith, and to the Angel, and to Adam from the Garden of Eden, which is one God. Amen.

    S. Tommy Monsoon
    Esra “Daffy” [surname withheld pending competency evaluation]
    Cliff the Wino