Flat Lander Hired as New Church Spokesperson

Flat Lander, a prominent member of our church, has now been abducted, brought to the compound and forced to accept the position of hired as our Official Church Spokesperson.  In a press release, President S. Tommy Monsoon said of Flat Lander’s abduction hiring, “Is that the fat guy with the beard, all the hair, and those big glasses?”

Flat Lander’s experience as an official spokesperson is unknown, but President Monsoon has high hopes for him.  Referring to Flat Lander’s future with the church, Monsoon said: “Geez, we don’t have to feed that guy do we?”

Below is a video Flat Lander prepared announcing and explaining his new position.

Stop Calling Oaks a Moron

The Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has now released this video regarding COJCOLDS apostle Dallin H. Oaks in an effort to make it clear that he is in no way associated or affiliated with this church.

Brother of Jared Takes Over After Jared’s Suspicious Death

Jared Ackerman, former Co-Rector of Righteousness, presumed murderd by one or more of our General Authorities.

The First Presidency of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is saddened to announce the death of Jared Ackerman, who along with his brother, Mohanri “Morrie” Ackerman has served as Co-Rector of Righteousness.  The Co-Rector’s main duties are to screen the public remarks of our General Authorities before they give them when possible, and afterwards when necessary.  Co-Recting a bunch of senile or just plain nasty or stupid General Authorities can be dangerous work.  Evidence is mounting that one or more of the General Authorities poisoned dear “Brother Jared.”  Naturally, everyone assumes that President Boyle K. Pecker was involved in the murder.

Mohanri "Morrie" Ackerman will serve as the Rector of Righteousness.

Morrie Ackerman will continue on alone, serving as Rector of Righteousness.  Brother Ackerman has stated on more than one occasion, “I’m not afraid of those crazy old bastards, and when they say stupid or racist or nasty stuff, I’ll delete it from the record.”  The position has been deemed as warranted especially in light of the attention and criticism of other Latter Day Saint churches (mostly the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for racist and homophobic comments.  This is not a new phenomenon.  In the past, the lack of a team of Co-Rectors has led to all kinds of publicly damning actions such as the institution of polygamy, denying the priesthood to non-white males, and most famously Joseph Smith’s botched attempt in the Restoration.

“We are convinced,” said Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “that Co-Recting our General Authorities is the right thing to do, and will lead to a full and complete restoration of the restoration originally screwed up by Joseph Smith.”

Staff Members Hired

Head Lackey Cliff the Wino

President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, announced recently that two critically important staff positions have been filled in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.

Cliff the Wino, formerly a resident of an alley in downtown Salt Lake City, has been named Head Lackey.  “I’m very excited to take this position,” said Cliff.  “My full title is actually Head Lackey and All-Around Doofus.  I had to negotiate pretty hard to get that title, they wanted me just to be Lackey and General Doofus.”

President Pecker told a charming anecdote about the Moron Church’s new Head Lackey, when he said, “I hate that bastard.  He smells like urine.”

The second administrative position filled was the position of Apostolic Chaplain, and it was filled by Insanad Rigdon.  No one asked her for any comments, because she is a woman, and Latter Day Saints couldn’t care less what women say or think.

President Pecker’s insightful comment about Rigdon’s appointment was, “What the hell good is a woman who has had her uterus removed?  I need a drink.”

While the exact duties of an Apostolic Chaplain were not disclosed, it is assumed that they have something to do with helping Apostles with their all their needs.  Shortly after the press conference announcing the appointment of Cliff and Rigdon, the Apostolic Chaplain was seen pushing President Pecker’s head into a toilet and saying, “Here, drink this!”

It’s ALL True . . . there is NO middle ground!

President and Prophet for Eternity Gordon B. Hinky has many times made the following statement. “The Moron Church of Latter-day Saints: just as with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it’s either all true, or it’s all made up!  There is no middle ground.”

President Hinky has also been known to say, “We take a certain pride in following in the false traditions of our fathers.”

Understanding Moron Church Administration

Introduction

Some very bright people have noticed a similarity between many of the leaders of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints and some other leaders of other churches in the Latter-day Saint movement.  The reason for this similarity is that the Moron Church leaders have undergone secret and doubly sacred temple ordinances in which they have become “proxy twins” for certain key leaders of other Mormon Churches.

The First Presidency

The leadership and hierarchy of The Moron Church of Latter-day Saints closely mirrors that of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in some ways, but differs in others.  The top leadership is the First Presidency.  This body of three (currently five) Presidents makes all key leadership decisions, sometimes in consultation with others.

The First Presidency of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints (dressed for a costume party).

The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles is the second highest body of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, and at times of death or disability of the Prophet the senior Apostle assumes the leadership of the Church.  As with the leadership of other Latter Day Saint churches, it helps to be out of touch with reality to be appointed an Apostle.  Sometimes there are 12 members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, sometimes more, sometimes less.

The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (missing Elder Nealwell) relax during a break from General Conference.

The Seventy

There can be numerous quorums of seventies called, and while these guys are important dudes too, few of them are truly memorable.  The Seventy is presided over by a group of up to seven presidents.  There has never been a single recorded instance when any of the Quorums of the Seventy had 70 members.  No one really knows why we call them that, but we do.

Some members of the current Presidency of the Seventy, just hanging out.

Members of the Presidency of the Seventy at a work project to re-roof the famous Moron Tabernacle.