Posted on December 1st, 2010 No comments
Most Excellent Potentate (known to some as “Oh Say What Is Truth”) has been appointed to the recently created important office of President of Apostolic Vices and Vice Bishop for Public Nudity, Licentiousness and Carnality. In this role he will serve as the President of the Quorum of Apostolic Vices and will serve without counselors. Because of this, his duties will be very “hands on” with all Apostolic Vices and will be responsible for personally watching and engaging in a variety of Apostolic Vice actions.
Members of the Quorum of Apostolic Vices will be known as Vice Apostles with special assignments to “touch” both the lives and the bodies of members desiring to be so touched. The Vice Apostles will help members get that “special feeling” that can often only be accomplished by applying warm, scented oil in certain special ways.
The Moron Church is now accepting applications for membership in the Quorum of Apostolic Vices. Please submit a résumé and appropriate video evidence of your qualifications. Veterans, minorities, women and amputees are encouraged to apply. Registered sex offenders will only be considered for positions in the afterlife. Void where prohibited by law. Position requires multiple organ donations, cultivation of open sores on legs, arms and neck, and handling toxic waste in the nude. These positions are all “church service” (volunteer) positions with no salary, health benefits or food or travel reimbursement. All church employees must live the standards of the church and are subject to body cavity searches without warning at any time, while at work or while away from work.
Posted on March 27th, 2010 1 comment
In this YouTube video Flat Lander tries to interview Benee Kent of the ExMo Radio show, but ends up talking to a unicorn.
Posted on February 23rd, 2010 No comments
Below is the first video announcing our first ever Membership Drive. I’m the one who played the trumpet in the video. – Cliff
Posted on February 15th, 2010 4 comments
Flat Lander talks about his release from captivity (and doesn’t even mention me) and then explains the relationship between Mormonism and Pastafarianism.
Posted on December 4th, 2009 2 comments
Hi, Cliff here with word that Flat Lander and I have been freed. Flat Lander put this statement on his Facebook page:
“I have been freed from the Moron Church compound. Attached is a newspaper article with some information. I hope share more information soon. Just for now, thanks for everyone’s concern. It’s great to be free!”
Here is the link to that newspaper article. “Man Freed from ‘Crazy Mormon Cult’” Now, I know that lots of you have been worried about Flat Lander, and no one gives a fig about me, but I’m homeless again as a result of this. I understand Flat Lander and his family are homeless, too. But, nonetheless, I want to bear my testimony. I know Joseph Smith screwed up the restoration of the gospel, and that through the Moron Church we had a chance to get it right. Amen.
Posted on December 1st, 2009 No comments
Moron Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard announced today that Patriarchal Blessings are now on sale for the special reduced price of $16.99 (a savings of $8.01) to anyone who wants one. Persons desiring (and paying for) a Patriarchal Blessing need not be members of any Latter Day Saint church, or be worthy in any way. They simply need to be desirous of knowing what the Lord God of the Universe has in mind for them, and they must pay the fee in advance.
Please contact the Moron Church via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org for instructions on how to submit payment. The Patriarchal Blessing will be sent out via return e-mail after payment has been received. In the Patriarchal Blessing you can expect to be told all sorts of valuable information about your future, both in this life and in the one to come. Patriarch Howard will personally supervise the random assignment of catch phrases to ultimately be assembled and e-mailed to each recipient. Patriarchal Blessings offered by the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints supersede patriarchal blessings from any other church (especially COJCOLDS, but including the Community of Christ–where they call them Evangelist Blessings).
Order your Patriarchal Blessing now. This sale won’t last.
No coupon necessary. Not valid with any other offer. Must be 18 to apply. Not all applicants will qualify for our best financing terms. See store for details. Purchaser responsible for all taxes, tariffs and duties. For entertainment purposes only.
Posted on November 12th, 2009 No comments
This video explains everything.
Posted on October 26th, 2009 No comments
Here is a brief video tour of our nearly complete new temple.
Posted on October 25th, 2009 No comments
Oliver Chowder, additional counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently the appointment of Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages. “This is an exciting time for us,” explained Chowder. “When Joseph Smith screwed up the original restoration, he also incorrectly translated everything he touched. Many of his incorrect translations are out-dated. With the appointment of Chief False, we can now have our own much more modern incorrect translations.”
Chief False has extensive experience with the Latter Day Saint movement, having been excluded from the COJCOLDS temple weddings of his siblings, nephews and nieces. “The Mormons have excluded me from everything for years,” said False, “but that’s ok because it has given me lots of time and learn to interpret ancient pictures and languages just like Joseph Smith. Like Brother Joseph, I have a VERY creative imagination.”
Chief False’s position is a staff position, not an ecclesiastical one, and as Department Head of the Mis-Interpretation Department, he will supervise up to one person. He will report to Head Lackey and All-around Doofus, Cliff the Wino. False’s interpretations will not be considered scripture, unless and until ratified as such by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. False will have full telephathic access to the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes. False will also be responsible for maintaining the incontinence protection supplies (adult diapers) used by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. In a previous incarnation, Chief False was sometimes known as javageek22.
Posted on October 19th, 2009 No comments
President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, convened a press conference in the men’s restroom at a rest area on Interstate 40 near Weatherford, Oklahoma recently to announce Steve Yawn has been hired as the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints new Arm Chair Quarterback. “Yawn played some sport or other,” said Pecker, demonstrating his keen grasp of details. Pecker was then trundled into the handicapped stall where he was instructed to urinate or have to wear a diaper for the return trip to the Moron Church compound.
Readers are probably familiar with the college and pro football standout Steve Yawn, who was better than Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Joe Gilliam, Joe Flacco, and all other quarterbacks named Joe combined. The wiry left hander could handle himself both on and off the field. Yawn is excited about assuming the position with the Moron Church. “I’m ready to get back into the game,” he said, “I like the action.” Yawn’s position will involve sitting in a chair, and sometimes writing something for the Moron Church’s exciting and informative website. Yawn’s immediate supervisor will be Cliff the Wino, and Yawn will not have keys to the church liquor cabinet. In a break with tradition, the Moron Church hired someone who actually has some knowledge, skills, or ability in the area for which they were hired. Yawn has been a frequent poster on ExMormonForums under the pseudonym Tommy Tummus, and will now make contributions to this website.
Please look for Yawn’s first exciting post in the near future.