Posted on October 26th, 2009 No comments
Here is a brief video tour of our nearly complete new temple.
Posted on October 25th, 2009 No comments
Oliver Chowder, additional counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently the appointment of Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages. “This is an exciting time for us,” explained Chowder. “When Joseph Smith screwed up the original restoration, he also incorrectly translated everything he touched. Many of his incorrect translations are out-dated. With the appointment of Chief False, we can now have our own much more modern incorrect translations.”
Chief False has extensive experience with the Latter Day Saint movement, having been excluded from the COJCOLDS temple weddings of his siblings, nephews and nieces. “The Mormons have excluded me from everything for years,” said False, “but that’s ok because it has given me lots of time and learn to interpret ancient pictures and languages just like Joseph Smith. Like Brother Joseph, I have a VERY creative imagination.”
Chief False’s position is a staff position, not an ecclesiastical one, and as Department Head of the Mis-Interpretation Department, he will supervise up to one person. He will report to Head Lackey and All-around Doofus, Cliff the Wino. False’s interpretations will not be considered scripture, unless and until ratified as such by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. False will have full telephathic access to the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes. False will also be responsible for maintaining the incontinence protection supplies (adult diapers) used by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. In a previous incarnation, Chief False was sometimes known as javageek22.
Posted on October 22nd, 2009 No comments
Hello all you wonderful brothers and sisters. Right now, I thought I’d drop by and grace you all with my presence for just a few moments. Me and Tom L. Hairy are going to Bingo in just a few minutes, but I told him that the Moron Church comes first. Of course, after he guilted me into doing what he wants, I had to oblige. I certainly wouldn’t want to appear unwilling to sacrfice and serve my fellow men, now would I? So, I will be leaving now. I just had to make one quick ‘Hello’ post because that conscience of mine was tearing me up. I’ll come by again later and let you all know how Bingo went!
Posted on October 19th, 2009 No comments
President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, convened a press conference in the men’s restroom at a rest area on Interstate 40 near Weatherford, Oklahoma recently to announce Steve Yawn has been hired as the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints new Arm Chair Quarterback. “Yawn played some sport or other,” said Pecker, demonstrating his keen grasp of details. Pecker was then trundled into the handicapped stall where he was instructed to urinate or have to wear a diaper for the return trip to the Moron Church compound.
Readers are probably familiar with the college and pro football standout Steve Yawn, who was better than Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Joe Gilliam, Joe Flacco, and all other quarterbacks named Joe combined. The wiry left hander could handle himself both on and off the field. Yawn is excited about assuming the position with the Moron Church. “I’m ready to get back into the game,” he said, “I like the action.” Yawn’s position will involve sitting in a chair, and sometimes writing something for the Moron Church’s exciting and informative website. Yawn’s immediate supervisor will be Cliff the Wino, and Yawn will not have keys to the church liquor cabinet. In a break with tradition, the Moron Church hired someone who actually has some knowledge, skills, or ability in the area for which they were hired. Yawn has been a frequent poster on ExMormonForums under the pseudonym Tommy Tummus, and will now make contributions to this website.
Please look for Yawn’s first exciting post in the near future.
Posted on October 19th, 2009 1 commentPresident Henry Eyeball, First Counselor in the First Presidency of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints gave a speech recently near the bilge pump in the Moron Church’s underground compound somewhere in the Midwest in which he thanked leaders of COJCOLDS (that’s what we call the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for embracing Moronism. “Moronism is our religion, and from our observations, it’s your religion too. We want to thank you COJCOLDS leaders such as Jeffrey R. Holland, Dallin H. Oaks, and Bruce C. Hafen for recent moronic speeches. We of course disagree with the content of their speeches, but are pleased they are attempting to embrace moronism.”
President Eyeball then magnanimously invited all of the COJCOLDS General Authorities to come to the Moron Church compound for a joint meeting. “We could watch some old Gilligan’s Islands videotapes,” he said, “but if any of you have a DVD player and want to bring it and some other videos, that would be fine also.”
President Eyeball assured the invitees that would be plenty of food. “We have lots of cheese,” he said,
‘we just have to go around and collect it out of the mousetraps.”
No date for the joint meeting has yet been set.
Posted on October 17th, 2009 No comments
Here’s the announcement of our new Facebook page
Posted on October 16th, 2009 No comments
Posted on October 15th, 2009 No comments
Flat Lander, a prominent member of our church, has now been abducted, brought to the compound and forced to accept the position of hired as our Official Church Spokesperson. In a press release, President S. Tommy Monsoon said of Flat Lander’s abduction hiring, “Is that the fat guy with the beard, all the hair, and those big glasses?”
Flat Lander’s experience as an official spokesperson is unknown, but President Monsoon has high hopes for him. Referring to Flat Lander’s future with the church, Monsoon said: “Geez, we don’t have to feed that guy do we?”
Below is a video Flat Lander prepared announcing and explaining his new position.
Posted on October 15th, 2009 No comments
The Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has now released this video regarding COJCOLDS apostle Dallin H. Oaks in an effort to make it clear that he is in no way associated or affiliated with this church.