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Staff Members Hired
Posted on April 11th, 2009 10 comments
Head Lackey Cliff the Wino
Apostolic Chaplain Insanad Rigdon
President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, announced recently that two critically important staff positions have been filled in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.
Cliff the Wino, formerly a resident of an alley in downtown Salt Lake City, has been named Head Lackey. “I’m very excited to take this position,” said Cliff. “My full title is actually Head Lackey and All-Around Doofus. I had to negotiate pretty hard to get that title, they wanted me just to be Lackey and General Doofus.”
President Pecker told a charming anecdote about the Moron Church’s new Head Lackey, when he said, “I hate that bastard. He smells like urine.”
The second administrative position filled was the position of Apostolic Chaplain, and it was filled by Insanad Rigdon. No one asked her for any comments, because she is a woman, and Latter Day Saints couldn’t care less what women say or think.
President Pecker’s insightful comment about Rigdon’s appointment was, “What the hell good is a woman who has had her uterus removed? I need a drink.”
While the exact duties of an Apostolic Chaplain were not disclosed, it is assumed that they have something to do with helping Apostles with their all their needs. Shortly after the press conference announcing the appointment of Cliff and Rigdon, the Apostolic Chaplain was seen pushing President Pecker’s head into a toilet and saying, “Here, drink this!”
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10 responses to “Staff Members Hired”
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Brother Cliff the Wino, Your site offends me and it offends our Lord and Savior, even Jesus THE Christ, and Heavenly Father. It is obvious that you are just bitter and want to sin. I testify you before the Lord and the people here today, with all my heart, might, mind, and soul, and I would be remiss if I didn’t do it in the affirmitive, that YOU are a poo-poo doo-doo head and you will reap only the affections of Lucifer, yea, the Sons of Perdition, and will someday be cast into outer darkness for the vile heathen apostate that you have become. I pray daily that you will someday see the error of your ways and return to the church, with a contrite heart and a broken spirit. In the last days of this dispensation you shall get your comeuppance and I hope it’s a big kick in your pants!!! That will serve you right for poking fun at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and calling it’s members Morons. It’s spelled MORMONS, and the fact that you got it wrong proves what a wicked and foolish man you are. That is all I have to say. I hope you’re happy!!!
Most Sincerely,
Constance D. Gooder -
Cliff the Wino April 30th, 2009 at 08:08
Constance, you ignorant slut,
I’ve seen the dresses you wear when you go to church, sometimes they barely reach your ankle. You are nothing but a temptress.But, as to your comment, I don’t come into your Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and call your leaders names. That would be disrespectful. I don’t know why you come here and do it to us. You are a sinful, evil woman. We, here at the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, embrace all members of the Latter Day Saint movement, especially members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (EXCEPT YOU) because we feel they are actually Morons as well. So, here’s hoping all of your brethren and sistern in the COJCOLDS will come fellowship with us, and enjoy the blessings that the Moronic Latter Day Saint faith makes available, but as to you, I hope you die a painful death in a filthy gutter, and that your body is consumed by vermin.
Yours in Christ,
Cliff -
Vincent April 30th, 2009 at 09:03
I agree with Cliff. Constance shouldn’t come here and call names. What a bitch!
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I’ll have you know that I am NOT a slut. In fact, I am still a virgin. A tight, nubile, very precious and naive virgin. So if you want to call me a slut without even knowing a thing about my true virtues then it just proves what sinners you are on this nasty un-Godly site. I’ve talked with my bishop numerous times in the privacy of his basement where he has me try on special holy undergarments that he’s designed himself because I’m his special “Vessel” (his words) and he has informed me that I am being prepared for a very special blessing that he’s going to give me. So I know that my election is made sure. He promised me his election and I know when the time is right that he will bestow it upon me. So calling me a slut is quite wrong. I’m a daughter of God and I still think you’re a doo doo head.
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Look, Constance, I may have over-reacted. I know you. I know your husband. I know your family. I’ve eaten dinner in your dining room many times. I have to tell you that since you’re 47 years old, and have been married for more than 15 years, you probably shouldn’t still be a virgin. You DO know what it means to be a virgin, don’t you?
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Well This is just rich!!! You, Cliff the Wino think after eating dinner at my home numerous times that you know what goes on between my luscious white creamy white (they’re double white) thighs.
And who are you to bring up my age?
I know for a fact that I’m still a nubile tight virginic virgin because my good husband told me I am, and he should know.
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This site not intended to be viewed by persons under age 18 Designed by My Mobiles
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But, is your husband still a virgin?
It’s a fair question, because what exactly do you think he and I were doing those hot, sweaty afternoons in the garage? It doesn’t take three hours to replace an air filter, you know!!!Double white . . . Hmmm?
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DeAnn May 1st, 2009 at 11:00
I have been wondering WHAT church to attend since I realized the church in Utah was moroni(c).
Of course, the Utah church doesn’t know how ridiculous it is which is one reason why I am so attracted to your group: at least you know you are a bunch of morons and idiots. I like that transparency a lot! I mean, isn’t it better to KNOW that organized religion is a crock of shit than to think, as the Utah group does, that–well, gawd talks to morons?
Anyway, how do I sign up to become another moron in your church?
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DeAnn,
You will receive a packet in the mail that will explain the rituals you must perform to be considered a member of our church. Some of these rituals need to be performed in public libraries, others while holding a giraffe by the tail. Everything is explained. We did forget to mention in the packet, however, that you shouldn’t eat strawberries for at least 48 hours before handling the information packet, if you are missing one or more toes or if Swine Flu has been reported in your state.
Cordially,
Cliff
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Constance D. Gooder April 30th, 2009 at 07:03