Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Richard LeGrand – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Elder Richard LeGRand

    Elder Richard LeGrand

    Richard LeGrand

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder LeGrand is old and smells bad.  He farts a lot, but is universally loved by his brethren in the Twelve, as evidenced by their many kind-hearted comments.  “Keep that smelly bastard away from me,” said Margaret G. Romney.  “Why doesn’t the old fart just die, already?” asked Bruce R. McConkle.

    Each year at General Conference Elder LeGrand is given a special seat of honor and distinction, outside on the porch.  His wife of 70 years, Harlena, explains why, “He doesn’t stink because he’s old.  He stinks because he stinks.  He always has, it’s been like being married to a pig farm.  He keeps wanting to ‘consummate’ our marriage, but I tell him that unless he takes an industrial strength bath and uses some mouthwash he can just wait another 70 years.”  The couple has no children.

    Elder LeGrand was called into the Quorum of the Twelve as a personal favor to former US President Franklin D. Roosevelt as a result of LeGrand’s top secret work during the Second World War.  On December 8, 1941, the morning after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, LeGrand was towed 150 miles out to sea, off the coast of California.  As the Japanese invasion fleet neared his position, his tremendous odor caused the invaders to turn their ships back.  LeGrand stayed at his post in the ocean for the rest of the war, receiving food and supplies dropped by airplanes, and single-handedly kept the west coast of the United States safe from invasion.

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