Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • New Priesthood Forthcoming

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes No comments

    Blessings from the Recently Received Plastic Cassette Audiotapes

    “Faith-affirming!”  “Testimony building.”  “A true blessing from heaven.” These are just a few comments from Moron Church of Latter-day Saints General Authorities, church employees and a few people we don’t know, who have been eagerly listening to tapes delivered recently by the Angel Moron I containing interviews and conversations from the 19th Century.  (See details here.) So far, many of the Moronic teachings of the Latter Day Saint movement have been confirmed, but new teachings previously unknown in Moronic or Latter Day Saint circles have been uncovered as well.

    “Apparently Joseph Smith had a number of conversations about how to proceed with the restoration late at night with the angel Moron I while Joe was stinking drunk,” said Oliver Chowder of the First Presidency.  “And after he had slept it off, he couldn’t remember clearly what they had talked about the night before.”

    The first major teaching that will be restored as a result of the Plastic Cassette Audiotape recordings will be an entire additional priesthood will be announced at the next General Conference.  “We’ll be very excited to announce the Salad Priesthood,” said Elder James E. Talcum of the Twelve.  “So far we don’t know too much about it, other than it is what is known as a ‘complementary priesthood’ that can be served with either the Aaronic or Melchizedek Priesthoods.  We do know that is related to the Word of Wisdom, and that the three offices within the Salad Priesthood are “Crisp Lettuce,” “Chilled Snow Pea,” and “Sliced Tomato.”  Talcum went on to explain that we aren’t sure which heavenly messengers appeared to Joseph Smith to restore the Salad Priesthood, “but from the accents we’re guessing that one of them was a talking cucumber.”

    (See related story “Temple Ordinances to be Restored“)

  • Temple Ordinances To Be Restored

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes 2 comments

    Continued Restorations Resulting from the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes

    Exciting restorations continue to be found in the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (see story here) recently delivered to the Church HQ.  Two temple ordinances that should have been restored to the earth during the time of Joseph Smith will be added during the next major revision of temple services scheduled for later this year.  “The ordinances of the ‘back rub’ and the ‘foot massage’ were never properly restored,” said Henry Eyeball of the First Presidency.  “When the angel Moron I was giving instructions to Joseph Smith about these ordinances, the Prophet can be heard snoring, so he apparently just missed these two ordinances.”

    “Both the back rub and the foot massage will be performed in conjunction with temple wedding and sealing ceremonies,” said Eyeball.  “In each case it is the husband who gives the back rub or foot massage to the wife while reciting a specific prayer.”  Eyeball said that due to the sacred nature of the prayer, the words are not being made public at this time, but he did indicate that couples would be permitted to perform these ordinances in the privacy of their own homes at their own discretion.

    Eyeball offered a few more tidbits about the new ordinances, “While the back rub ordinance is only for the living, the foot massage ordinance can be performed vicariously for the dead.  This is because there is a lot of walking in the Celestial Kingdom,” he said.  “God hasn’t put in public transit yet, so people get a lot of sore feet in heaven.”

    (See related story “New Priesthood Forthcoming.”)

  • Joseph Smith’s “Second Vision”

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Miracles 6 comments

    Joseph Smith’s Second Vision

    Joseph Smith, the founder of the Latter Day Saint Movement (who was widely known for telling lies, digging for buried treasure, and making up fanciful stories), received visits from supernatural beings, that is a matter of confirmed fact among Morons world wide.  Among his most well-known visitations were the so-called “First Vision” when he was visited by deity, and multiple visits by the angel Moron I.  Less well known is the story of Joe’s “Second Vision.”  This vision has never been disproved and in fact, has the exact same probability of being true as the “First Vision.”  Nonetheless, most churches of the Latter Day Saint movement, (namely the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, among others) act as if the Second Vision never even took place.

    Below is the story of the Second Vision, and much like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’s canonized version of the First Vision, the story is written by someone other than Joseph Smith, but written as if Joseph himself actually said these things.

    I retired to the woods to get out of working with my father and brothers on the farm.  And after I had retired to the place I had earlier found, I looked around to make sure I was alone, so I could sleep the day away in peace and quiet in the cool grass of that cloudy morning.  Just as I was about to drift into peaceful slumber, the freaking cloud moved, and I saw a pillar of light directly above me, that was bright as heck—I mean really pretty dang bright.  The light was coming down in my eyes, preventing me from getting to sleep, so I turned over on my side, and I beheld two personages,

    the first was dressed all in red,
    from his toe to his head.
    And he turned to the other and said.
    “This is the beloved Easter Bunny
    And although you may find it funny,
    Listen to him now, or wind up dead.

    Quickly I got possession of myself and was able to speak.  I asked the personages which holidays are the best ones for getting candy.  I was answered that I must observe all of them for they are all correct, and the Bunny who addressed me said they were all delightful in his sight.  And the Bunny told me many other things which I cannot write, and I began to think he was just rambling on, stalling for time when appeared from behind a tree a third personage.
    And the fat guy with the big white beard in the red suit said, “Ok, Bunny, knock it off.” Then

    The jolly old elf then gave me a sly wink
    And said, “Here’s someone else, I think
    to whom you should listen and heed,
    for he has wisdom you desperately need.
    Eat your vegetables, your fruits and your dairy
    And obey the teachings of Mr. Tooth Fairy.

    And then the Tooth Fairy talked for about 15 minutes on the importance of good dental habits and hygiene, stressing moderation in sweets, daily brushing and flossing, and finishing up with a PowerPoint presentation on how to avoid gum disease.

    After the meeting, we all went our separate ways, and there was much excitement in the neighborhood as I related the story to all who would listen, but the local barbers, doctors, dentists, and computer geeks treated my communication very lightly, and a great persecution did increase and excite the public mind against me.  They scoffed at my miraculous story, and claimed PowerPoint hadn’t even been invented yet, but it was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision.

    And although some members of the Latter Day Saint movement may continue to scoff, the official position of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is that the Second Vision is as much a factual account of a supernatural visit to the boy prophet as the First Vision.

    An artists rendition of Joseph Smith's Second Vision, which took place in the Sacred Grove not long after Smith's more famous "First Vision."

    An artist's rendition of Joseph Smith's Second Vision, which took place in the Sacred Grove not long after Smith's more famous "First Vision."

  • Three Nephites

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Happenings No comments
    The Three Nephites as depicted in a wax museum.  Photo courtesy of Stinkie Pinkie.

    The Three Nephites as depicted in a wax museum. Photo courtesy of Stinkie Pinkie.

    Three Nephites Immortalized in Wax

    As is the custom with great religious figures, statues of the Three Nephites have now been produced for the world to admire.  According to Latter Day Saint teachings, the Three Nephites were blessed to roam the entire world, never tasting death, working to bring about the greater glory of God or some such thing and facing all manner of persecutions for their efforts.  At first it seemed like a pretty neat thing, but after several hundred years this got boring for the Three Nephites, and in the 20th century they adopted the names of Moe, Larry and Curly and went into show business.  Their acts were well received, particularly the parts where they demonstrated the kinds of persecutions they had suffered over the years, being hit in the head with mallets, having their limbs sawed off, etc.
    An Internet search for them under their stage name “The Three Stooges” will quickly prove that their work was truly Moronic, in the finest Latter Day Saint tradition.

  • Audio Recordings Delivered

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Happenings, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes 1 comment

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Restoration of Restoration Continues Through Audio Recordings

    Because the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is a restoration of the restoration screwed up by Joseph Smith (founder of the Latter Day Saint movement widely known for telling lies), the Angel Moron I has recently delivered to Moron Church Headquarters several crates of Plastic Cassette Audiotapes of conversations and interviews involving various leaders in the Latter Day Saint movement.  “I haven’t counted the tapes, but a good many of them involve Joseph Smith,” said the angel.  When asked why the tapes were being delivered now, Moron explained further, “Well, Joe screwed up so many things, and Brigham, well, just don’t get me started on that fool.  Anyhow, since the time for the restoration of the restoration has come, the Big Guy Upstairs thought it would be useful for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, the One True Church, to use the information on the tapes to restore the restoration.”

    The angel also explained that after church employees had made verbatim transcripts of the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (without making audio copies of them) they were to be returned to him so they could be placed with the Golden Plates in the Hill Cummorah.  “I didn’t really have a good reason for putting the Golden Plates back in the side of the hill, but I want to be consistent about these things, so I’m taking these back also,” said Moron I.

    When questioned about how audiotape recordings could have been made in the 19th century, Moron I explained, “This Latter Day Saint movement is all about anachronisms.  Anachronisms don’t bother us because we know the kind of power the Big Guy Upstairs has.  If it’s His will, it will be done.”  The angel then went on to say that because there may be some few doubters that the tapes are legitimate, he has provided the photographic evidence above, as well as the “Testimony of the Three Witnesses” below.  (He’s hoping to round up eight more equally reliable witnesses to produce a second witness statement in the near future.)

    Testimony of the Three Witnesses

    Be it known unto all folks everywhere: That we, with special permission from an angel we have seen the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes which contain interviews, conversations and other neat stuff involving Joseph Smith, Emma Smith, Brigham Young, the Angel Moron I, and others. And we also know that they have been recorded by the gift and power of the Big Guy Upstairs, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have heard a portion of the recordings with our spiritual ears by the power of the Big Guy Upstairs, and not of man. And we declare with words of soberness (despite the fact that we’ve all been drinking heavily this evening), that an angel came down from heaven, and he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes; and we know that it is by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs through the mediation of an angel that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of the Joseph Smith himself commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in doing this thing, we shall get more liquor from the angel, and be found drunk in an alley in the morning.  And the honor be to Joseph Smith, and to the Angel, and to Adam from the Garden of Eden, which is one God. Amen.

    S. Tommy Monsoon
    Esra “Daffy” [surname withheld pending competency evaluation]
    Cliff the Wino

  • Gordon B. Hinky – President and Prophet for Eternity

    Posted on April 8th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Gordon B. Hinky blows a magic whistle to request a visit with an angel.

    Gordon B. Hinky.

    Gordon B. Hinky

    President and Prophet for Eternity

    Gordon B. Hinky was born in a log cabin during the time of the Protestant Reformation.  He advanced through the church to become President and Prophet for Eternity, so even after his death, he continues to be the Prophet.  Videotape surveillance indicates he may actually have died in 1987, but no one noticed until 2008, when he was buried in the Hill Cummorah next to the Urim and Thumim.

    In the photo at the left the great Prophet for Eternity is shown blowing a special recorder to summon a visit from an angel.  Further information about this great Prophet can be found in the book written by former Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prophet Gordon B. Hinckley’s non-existent brother entitled “Sitting for Nothing.”

  • S. Tommy Monsoon – Prophet and President

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    tommonsoon

    Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon

    Born Osama bin Monson, Monsoon took his current prophetic name in honor of the storms that plague many parts of the globe.   “Monsoons are big storms with lots of blowing wind and hard-driven rain,” said the Moron Church leader.  “And like both Moron and Mormon leaders before me, I focus my personal ministry on being a big blowhard.”

    Monsoon clearly has been blessed with special gifts that allow him to lead the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  “I have three nipples,” he recently told a church publication.  “That extra nipple comes in very handy in certain sacred temple ordinances that I can’t talk about with people who only have two nipples.”

    Monsoon knew from a young age that he would be called to be a leader among the Morons.  “I have been visited by angels many times,” he said, “and they always told me that if I would share my liquor with them, they would put in a good word for me with the Big Guy.  It obviously worked, because here I am, and those angels are still lying drunk in an alley in Salt Lake City.”

    In the photo, notice the tattoo of the temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on the prophet’s shoulder.  Normally the sacred temple tattoos are only shown to impressionable young women who show special interest in the Prophet behind closed doors.

  • Henry Eyeball — First Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Henry Eyeball

    Henry Eyeball after Hoax's terrible prank, but before the miraculous surgery performed by M. Russell Russell M

    Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

    Henry Eyeball after the miraculous surgery.

    Henry Eyeball

    First Counselor in the First Presidency.

    Henry Eyeball is still considered both a prophet and a revelator, but because he has only one eye, he is a “looker” instead of a “seer.”  Eyeball was formerly known as Henry Three Eyes due to an unusual birth defect.  Apostle Dale Lynn Hoax is responsible for a practical joke that went tragically wrong resulting in Eyeball’s name change.

    Fortunately for Eyeball, one of the conjoined twins comprising the Apostle(s)  M. Russell Russell M is a skilled surgeon, and was able to perform surgery on Three Eyes only a few days after Hoax’s prank, leading to a complete recovery, and a stylish new look.

  • Dieter F. Achtung – 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    President Dieter F. Achtung

    President Dieter F. Achtung

    Dieter F. Achtung

    2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Achtung was called into the First Presidency for his strict interpretation of Moron Doctrine.  Known as a harsh disciplinarian, with a violent temper many outside the faith are stunned by his career choice in the ministry.  Achtung had an early career in research that was never fully satisfying for him.

    Born Delroy Malcolm Clark on the island of Jamaica, Achtung never knew his father, who was believed to be a German sailor who frequented the Caribbean region.  Young Delroy Clark could never come to grips with his parentage or his race, and fabricated an elaborate back story of who he really was.  He worked menial jobs such as hauling pig intestines to local orphanages to earn money for plastic surgery to transform himself.  Achtung frequently uses stories of his humble beginnings in his General Conference talks, like the one about working as a vomit taster for a Haitian pharmaceutical company.  “Tasting other people’s vomit in the interest of medical science humbles a man,” explained Achtung.  “I worked at that job for over seven years, tasting both human and animal vomit before I learned it was all a practical joke.  The good thing about it was that my supervisor, Dale Lynn Hoax, also helped me land this job.”

    Delroy changed his name to Achtung after the successful plastic surgery, again crediting Elder Hoax with the results.  “When the plastic surgeon asked me what I wanted to look like when the surgery was done, I didn’t really know.  My friend Dale Lynn Hoax suggested this face, and I have been popular ever since.”

    Achtung’s responsibilities for the Church include special nighttime visits to less active members.  “Initially they are frightened, but after I offer them a nice meal of beef, boiled potatoes and sauerkraut, they begin to soften up.”  Achtung has received several gun shot wounds as a result of his nighttime visits, but he usually takes M Russell Russell M with him nowadays, so surgery can be performed in the car on the way to the hospital.

  • Oliver Chowder – Extra Counselor in 1st Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    Oliver Chowder

    Oliver Chowder

    Oliver Chowder

    Additional Counselor in the First Presidency

    Chowder was given the role of Additional or “Extra” Counselor in the First Presidency because he is young enough to be energetic, and just stupid enough to follow orders without asking questions.  Chowder’s stupidity has gotten him into trouble in the past, such as when he got his head stuck in the veil once while officiating in sacred temple ordinances.

    Chowder is the youngest of eight children in his family, all named Oliver, but oddly, he’s the only male.