Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Happenings No comments

    Idaho Falls Autopsies Completed

    On the first Sunday in April this year, the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints bishopric in Idaho Falls turned on the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for their congregation, and then went out for coffee and doughnuts.  They had intended to only be gone for about 30 minutes, but the waitress was kind of cute, and one thing led to another.  They eventually returned just as the General Conference session was ending, only to find that everyone in their congregation was dead.  Initially some sort of gas leak was suspected, but autopsies revealed that the entire congregation had been bored to death.

    Special Blessings Offered to Thousands

    “The response was just overwhelming,” said Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard.  “We had assumed maybe a few hundred people would come for the Special Blessings I was selling, I mean, offering, but we had several thousand.  The lines stretched all the way down to Pinkie’s Porn Palace, around to that door where you have to know the special knock to be admitted.”  Howard refused to rush the spirit, and each blessing took more than two hours, but the people waited nonetheless.  Because of the sacred nature of the Special Blessings, attendees had been encouraged to fast for at least two full days prior to coming for their blessing. “For the first few days most people seemed to be holding up pretty well, but after about five days the heat and the starvation was just too much, and they were dropping like flies,” said Patriarch Howard.  “Eventually I had to start giving the blessings posthumously, but when I did that, I only charged half price.”

    President Chowder Recovering After Accident

    President Oliver Chowder of the First Presidency was scheduled to speak to a group of Young Women from the Church at a Salt Lake City hotel last weekend, but went down the wrong hallway and instead ended up speaking to the “Strident Feminists for Immediate Change.”  Chowder had barely begun his remarks, speaking about the eternal and unchanging role of women to have babies for their husbands, when a freak, unexplained wind gust blew several coffee cups, and one briefcase into Chowder’s head.  Chowder was unable to finish his remarks, and was taken to a local hospital, where a complete recovery is expected.

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