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  • Brother of Jared Takes Over After Jared’s Suspicious Death

    Posted on April 21st, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Administration 1 comment
    Jared Ackerman, former Co-Rector of Righteousness, presumed murderd by one or more of our General Authorities.

    Jared Ackerman, former Co-Rector of Righteousness, presumed murderd by one or more of our General Authorities.

    The First Presidency of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is saddened to announce the death of Jared Ackerman, who along with his brother, Mohanri “Morrie” Ackerman has served as Co-Rector of Righteousness.  The Co-Rector’s main duties are to screen the public remarks of our General Authorities before they give them when possible, and afterwards when necessary.  Co-Recting a bunch of senile or just plain nasty or stupid General Authorities can be dangerous work.  Evidence is mounting that one or more of the General Authorities poisoned dear “Brother Jared.”  Naturally, everyone assumes that President Boyle K. Pecker was involved in the murder.

    Mohanri "Morrie" Ackerman will serve as the Rector of Righteousness.

    Mohanri "Morrie" Ackerman will serve as the Rector of Righteousness.

    Morrie Ackerman will continue on alone, serving as Rector of Righteousness.  Brother Ackerman has stated on more than one occasion, “I’m not afraid of those crazy old bastards, and when they say stupid or racist or nasty stuff, I’ll delete it from the record.”  The position has been deemed as warranted especially in light of the attention and criticism of other Latter Day Saint churches (mostly the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for racist and homophobic comments.  This is not a new phenomenon.  In the past, the lack of a team of Co-Rectors has led to all kinds of publicly damning actions such as the institution of polygamy, denying the priesthood to non-white males, and most famously Joseph Smith’s botched attempt in the Restoration.

    “We are convinced,” said Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “that Co-Recting our General Authorities is the right thing to do, and will lead to a full and complete restoration of the restoration originally screwed up by Joseph Smith.”

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    1 responses to “Brother of Jared Takes Over After Jared’s Suspicious Death” RSS icon

    • Even a reeetard kin see that yew dun copy pasted thet thar foto of Gearge Warshingtun and Andrew Jacksun into yer sight. Yew aint foolin me nun yew skallewag! An whilst I’m at it, thet thar Marmon Chruch of Jebus Christ is darn ner perfect so don’t need no revisionist hystery like yew dun said. Tain’t so. Yew better wach yer back cuz the Dannites’ll be after yew an yer ugly kin.


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