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Moronic Magic Underwear
Posted on April 11th, 2009 14 comments
Moronic Magic Underwear. (Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.)
In the Latter Day Saint movement much has been said about our so-called “Magic Underwear.” All sorts of truly Moronic stories circulate widely on the Internet, in Fast and Testimony Meetings, in Sacrament Meeting talks, etc. about how this magic underwear has protected people who were in fires, plane crashes, bad marriages and other disasters.
Unfortunately, none of these stories ever provide enough detail to verify the facts of the alleged miracle in question. Here we post several VERIFIABLE accounts of the protection provided by Moronic Magic Underwear.
The Miraculous Story of Brother Vargan
Brother Jim Vargan of 15542 N. Elm Street, Apt. 2C, Salt Lake City (phone number provided upon request), faithfully wore his Moronic Magic Underwear both day and night since receiving his Washing and Anointing more than 30 years ago in the Provo Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Brother Vargan was in a tragic industrial accident at his workplace in March of this year, but luckily for Brother Vargan, he was wearing his Moronic Magic Underwear. In the accident, both of Brother Vargan’s legs were amputated at the knee and both arms amputated at the elbow, and he was decapitated. Sister Lisa Vargan, speaking at her husband’s funeral a few days later reported that the portions of Brother Vargan’s body covered by his Moronic Magic Underwear were undamaged.
The Miraculous Story of Bishop Roger Lewis & Sister Fern Nishbucket
Bishop Roger Lewis of 7119 Centennial Way, Orem, UT and Sister Fern Nishbucket of 7208 Centennial Way, Orem, UT have both faithfully worn their Moronic Magic Underwear for more than 25 years, both night and day. They were shacking up together at a cheap motel near Lake Tahoe (Lewis having told his wife he was in Phoenix on business and Nishbucket having told her husband she was in St. George visiting her sister) when their miracle happened. Despite having been warned that they must shower before getting in the motel’s pool the couple would repeatedly have steamy, sweaty sex, then go jump naked in the motel pool to cool off. This pushed motel manager Dave Swarengen past the breaking point, and the third time he caught them doing this, he got his gun and shot them both in the head several times, killing them instantly.
Stake President Arthur Clancy of 5302 Parkwest Avenue, Orem, UT, spoke at the joint funeral held for the two, and noted that although motel manager Swarengen is a notoriously bad shot with a handgun, all of the bullets went into the heads of the Bishop and Ward Librarian, and did not defile the portion of their bodies normally covered by their Moronic Magic Underwear. “So great,” said the Stake President, “is the power of Moronic Magic Underwear, that because they had so faithfully worn it for 25 years, their Moronic Magic Underwear protected the bodies of these two fine people, even when they were naked.”
The Tragedy of Daniel Betancourt
As a counterpoint to the miraculous stories above, Stake President Clancy shares the following story, also from his stake.
“Daniel Betancourt, of 6613 E. Canada Ave., Orem, UT, had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for 24 years and 11 months, both night and day. One night in January of this year he removed all of his clothing, including his Moronic Magic Underwear, and took a shower. Unbeknownst to him, a psychotic killer escaped from custody while being transported through Betancourt’s neighborhood. The psychotic killer broke into Betancourt’s home, grabbed two large kitchen knives and stabbed Brother Betancourt more than 150 times in the chest, back, groin and buttocks, killing him. Every single stab wound was to an area where his Moronic Magic Underwear would have protected him, if only he hadn’t taken it off to shower. Alternatively, if he had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for a full 25 years, like Bishop Lewis and Sister Nishbucket, instead of just 24 years and 11 months, I’m sure he would have been saved even though naked. It’s a lesson for all of us.”
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14 responses to “Moronic Magic Underwear”
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You know, I don’t know where you get off telling me not to masturbate after looking at the magic underwear. My gawd, I haven’t seen anything that sexy and provocative since I watched a snail move through my lawn.
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Sorry for not being clear. That was just a handwritten note on the bottom of the photo we gave to President Henry Eyeball, who serves as our webmaster. The message was intended for him. It was not intended to be included in the caption–we have to return the photo to its original owner and didn’t want to give it back all sticky.
Please feel free to masturbate according to your inspiration.
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The only thing I ever got from wearing that hot sticky saran wrap crawl up the crack calico colored misshapen nasty icky uncomfortable bad elastic clingy underwear was heat rash in my Southern Hemisphere and a nasty itch across the pointy part of my bodacious ta ta’s where the nylon thread they sew those mysoginistic crappy underpants rubbed my you know whats. I’m pretty sure there’s a special place in Hell for the designer of those skanky ugly underpants and it’s alongside that idiot that invented polyester one piece leisure suits for men that make their junk look all lumpy and all too noticable. Yep, Hell is too good for those sunsabitches.
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whered my comment go? Ya’ll better not be censoring me er I’ll bring the wrath of God down upon you.
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ahh, there it is.
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Look, Wife of Diablo,
We take a dim view of dead women coming on our site and making disparaging comments about clothing designers. Consider this a warning.
But, for the record, I’m not sure I do know what you are referring to when you say the “crappy underpants rubbed my you know whats” and I’m certain I don’t want to know.
Further, I have it on reliable information that not only are you dead, but that you are a nudist as well, and have never worn underwear of any kind. -
Ten bucks says yur the idjit that invented the lime green one piece polyester Leisure Suit, WINO MAN!!! I thought sure youd be dead by now bein how the leisure suit went out of fashion about 35 years ago, ceptin in Mormon Temple circles where them old coots thet do thet live preformance at the old fancy schmancy victorian temples still wear them and it makes ther junk look even more disgusting. I’ll bet you made yer ill gotten gains sellin them ugly one piece nearly see thru polyester suits to the damn Mormons. You probly tell them they look “Smashin” in those contraptions. There shud be laws agin sellin sich thangs to men over 50 and larding up over 250 lbs. Good Gawd Amighty, you shud be ashamed of yerself. Damn wino!
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I FELT SO SORRY FOR ALL OF YOU …… YOUR LIFE MUST BE SO SAD AND YOU MUST BE SO DISPERATE IF YOU NEED TO DO THIS KIND OF THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT REALLY BELIVE IN GOD AND TRY TO DO ALL THE BEST WE CAN GOR ALL MANKIND….. PLEASE READ WHAT IS THE REAL CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS DO NOT READ ALL THIS TRASH
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Hey Laura, where are the golden tablets?
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THE “GOLDEN TABLETS” AS YOU CALL ‘EM, ARE GONE, SO WE AND YOU CAN BELIEVE WITHOUT SEEING THEM, THAT’S BELIEVING, AND AS I CANS EE, YOU ARE NOT A MORMON, BUT A MORE ON. UPS, MY ENGLISH IS NOT SO GOOD, BUT MY FAITH IS.
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Pale Ale January 7th, 2010 at 11:30
Do all Mormons find it necessary to post in all CAPS as if shouting to get their point across? Are you all practicing for the next Hosanna Shout?
Will, do we really need to see to see the Golden Tablets? The book of Abraham is a known fraud and shows how disingenuous the magic panty posse is.
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Dear David and Pale Ale:
Thank you for your insightful comments. David, I’m glad you are happy with your faith, but this thread is about Magic Moronic Underwear. I would specifically welcome comments that are on topic, rather than engaging others in off topic discussions.Pale Ale, I do know that many Mormons practice their Hosanna Shouts, but I am unaware of them doing it online. This is an important area of inquiry, and we would welcome an in-depth article should you care to submit one.
All the best.
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Angelo January 28th, 2010 at 20:44
One thing I don’t understand; is there in the Mormon cult really something about magic underwear? I may unknowingly be a Mormon since in my underwear I have a magic Wand! These so called Christians have not a bit of sense of humor; no wonder I abandoned any form of organized religion. I am not a brainwashed moron; I use my own brain.
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Angry Agnostic August 31st, 2010 at 05:48
Holy hell! You blasphemers are freaking hilarious! I nearly pissed my non-golden underwear reading all the comments, except of course the UNFUNNY, UPTIGHT, LAURA WHO MUST HAVE HER GOLDEN UNDIES RAMMED TIGHT INTO HER HOLIER THAN THOU ASS. Wow all caps is angry.
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DeAnn May 1st, 2009 at 11:02