Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Moronic Magic Underwear

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Miracles 28 comments
    Moronic Magic Underwear (male on left) (female on right).  Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.

    Moronic Magic Underwear. (Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.)

    In the Latter Day Saint movement much has been said about our so-called “Magic Underwear.”  All sorts of truly Moronic stories circulate widely on the Internet, in Fast and Testimony Meetings, in Sacrament Meeting talks, etc. about how this magic underwear has protected people who were in fires, plane crashes, bad marriages and other disasters.

    Unfortunately, none of these stories ever provide enough detail to verify the facts of the alleged miracle in question.  Here we post several VERIFIABLE accounts of the protection provided by Moronic Magic Underwear.

    The Miraculous Story of Brother Vargan

    Brother Jim Vargan of 15542 N. Elm Street, Apt. 2C, Salt Lake City (phone number provided upon request), faithfully wore his Moronic Magic Underwear both day and night since receiving his Washing and Anointing more than 30 years ago in the Provo Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Brother Vargan was in a tragic industrial accident at his workplace in March of this year, but luckily for Brother Vargan, he was wearing his Moronic Magic Underwear.  In the accident, both of Brother Vargan’s legs were amputated at the knee and both arms amputated at the elbow, and he was decapitated.  Sister Lisa Vargan, speaking at her husband’s funeral a few days later reported that the portions of Brother Vargan’s body covered by his Moronic Magic Underwear were undamaged.

    The Miraculous Story of Bishop Roger Lewis & Sister Fern Nishbucket

    Bishop Roger Lewis of 7119 Centennial Way, Orem, UT and Sister Fern Nishbucket of 7208 Centennial Way, Orem, UT have both faithfully worn their Moronic Magic Underwear for more than 25 years, both night and day.  They were shacking up together at a cheap motel near Lake Tahoe (Lewis having told his wife he was in Phoenix on business and Nishbucket having told her husband she was in St. George visiting her sister) when their miracle happened.  Despite having been warned that they must shower before getting in the motel’s pool the couple would repeatedly have steamy, sweaty sex, then go jump naked in the motel pool to cool off.  This pushed motel manager Dave Swarengen past the breaking point, and the third time he caught them doing this, he got his gun and shot them both in the head several times, killing them instantly.

    Stake President Arthur Clancy of 5302 Parkwest Avenue, Orem, UT, spoke at the joint funeral held for the two, and noted that although motel manager Swarengen is a notoriously bad shot with a handgun, all of the bullets went into the heads of the Bishop and Ward Librarian, and did not defile the portion of their bodies normally covered by their Moronic Magic Underwear.  “So great,” said the Stake President, “is the power of Moronic Magic Underwear, that because they had so faithfully worn it for 25 years, their Moronic Magic Underwear protected the bodies of these two fine people, even when they were naked.”

    The Tragedy of Daniel Betancourt

    As a counterpoint to the miraculous stories above, Stake President Clancy shares the following story, also from his stake.
    “Daniel Betancourt, of 6613 E. Canada Ave., Orem, UT, had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for 24 years and 11 months, both night and day.  One night in January of this year he removed all of his clothing, including his Moronic Magic Underwear, and took a shower.  Unbeknownst to him, a psychotic killer escaped from custody while being transported through Betancourt’s neighborhood.  The psychotic killer broke into Betancourt’s home, grabbed two large kitchen knives and stabbed Brother Betancourt more than 150 times in the chest, back, groin and buttocks, killing him.  Every single stab wound was to an area where his Moronic Magic Underwear would have protected him, if only he hadn’t taken it off to shower.  Alternatively, if he had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for a full 25 years, like Bishop Lewis and Sister Nishbucket, instead of just 24 years and 11 months, I’m sure he would have been saved even though naked.  It’s a lesson for all of us.”

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    28 responses to “Moronic Magic Underwear” RSS icon

    • You know, I don’t know where you get off telling me not to masturbate after looking at the magic underwear. My gawd, I haven’t seen anything that sexy and provocative since I watched a snail move through my lawn.

    • Sorry for not being clear. That was just a handwritten note on the bottom of the photo we gave to President Henry Eyeball, who serves as our webmaster. The message was intended for him. It was not intended to be included in the caption–we have to return the photo to its original owner and didn’t want to give it back all sticky.

      Please feel free to masturbate according to your inspiration.

    • The only thing I ever got from wearing that hot sticky saran wrap crawl up the crack calico colored misshapen nasty icky uncomfortable bad elastic clingy underwear was heat rash in my Southern Hemisphere and a nasty itch across the pointy part of my bodacious ta ta’s where the nylon thread they sew those mysoginistic crappy underpants rubbed my you know whats. I’m pretty sure there’s a special place in Hell for the designer of those skanky ugly underpants and it’s alongside that idiot that invented polyester one piece leisure suits for men that make their junk look all lumpy and all too noticable. Yep, Hell is too good for those sunsabitches.

    • whered my comment go? Ya’ll better not be censoring me er I’ll bring the wrath of God down upon you.

    • ahh, there it is.

    • Look, Wife of Diablo,
      We take a dim view of dead women coming on our site and making disparaging comments about clothing designers. Consider this a warning.
      But, for the record, I’m not sure I do know what you are referring to when you say the “crappy underpants rubbed my you know whats” and I’m certain I don’t want to know.
      Further, I have it on reliable information that not only are you dead, but that you are a nudist as well, and have never worn underwear of any kind.

    • Ten bucks says yur the idjit that invented the lime green one piece polyester Leisure Suit, WINO MAN!!! I thought sure youd be dead by now bein how the leisure suit went out of fashion about 35 years ago, ceptin in Mormon Temple circles where them old coots thet do thet live preformance at the old fancy schmancy victorian temples still wear them and it makes ther junk look even more disgusting. I’ll bet you made yer ill gotten gains sellin them ugly one piece nearly see thru polyester suits to the damn Mormons. You probly tell them they look “Smashin” in those contraptions. There shud be laws agin sellin sich thangs to men over 50 and larding up over 250 lbs. Good Gawd Amighty, you shud be ashamed of yerself. Damn wino!


    • Hey Laura, where are the golden tablets?


    • Do all Mormons find it necessary to post in all CAPS as if shouting to get their point across? Are you all practicing for the next Hosanna Shout?

      Will, do we really need to see to see the Golden Tablets? The book of Abraham is a known fraud and shows how disingenuous the magic panty posse is.

    • Dear David and Pale Ale:
      Thank you for your insightful comments. David, I’m glad you are happy with your faith, but this thread is about Magic Moronic Underwear. I would specifically welcome comments that are on topic, rather than engaging others in off topic discussions.

      Pale Ale, I do know that many Mormons practice their Hosanna Shouts, but I am unaware of them doing it online. This is an important area of inquiry, and we would welcome an in-depth article should you care to submit one.

      All the best.

    • One thing I don’t understand; is there in the Mormon cult really something about magic underwear? I may unknowingly be a Mormon since in my underwear I have a magic Wand! These so called Christians have not a bit of sense of humor; no wonder I abandoned any form of organized religion. I am not a brainwashed moron; I use my own brain.

    • Holy hell! You blasphemers are freaking hilarious! I nearly pissed my non-golden underwear reading all the comments, except of course the UNFUNNY, UPTIGHT, LAURA WHO MUST HAVE HER GOLDEN UNDIES RAMMED TIGHT INTO HER HOLIER THAN THOU ASS. Wow all caps is angry.

    • Peter sondheim

      What a lot of sad people who feel a need to have a go at other people for living their lives as best they can… just as you are. You are all a lot of bigots. Shame on you.

    • So, Peter sondheim, you feel a need to “go after” us and call shame on us, just because we are living our lives the best we can. Why is it appropriate for you to judge us?

    • and why Flat Lander is it appropriate for you to judge us and what we do????

    • Tracey, what suggests to you that I am judging you and what you do?

    • The question is aimed at all people on here who have mocked and ridiculed what I see as being very sacred,,I do apologize for directing the question at you personally

    • Tracey, I don’t see us so much as judging individuals such as you, but rather mocking and ridiculing ideas that seem ridiculous.

      I recently heard of a Native American woman who converted to Catholicism at the age of 20 (in 1676), and died at 24. Now she is being made a saint in the Catholic Church in part because a boy in Seattle got well a few years ago after he was expected to die, and people prayed to this dead woman to intercede with God on the boy’s behalf. Since the boy got better, obviously it was because the dead Native American woman heard the prayer and talked to God on behalf of the boy, and then God decided to let the boy get better.

      What do you think? Does this pass the test of rational thinking? If this doesn’t pass the test of rational thinking, then why would wearing 50/50 cotton poly underwear with special Masonic / Mormon symbols have some special protective power pass the test of rational thinking?

      Although I have no animosity toward you whatsoever, I believe absurd religious beliefs deserve to be mocked and ridiculed. Magic underpants and crediting a dead Native American woman with a miraculous healing seem equally ridiculous to me. But, please, don’t take offense personally, it’s not just Mormon and Catholic beliefs that are wacko. Many (if not most or all) other religious beliefs are pretty silly as well.

      Best wishes.

    • By the sounds of it, you and others miss understand greatly what the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints represent..and as for the garments (I don’t wish to speak in great detail about them because it is sacred). I have never been taught that the clothing is “magic” I have been taught however that wearing these garments are a means of reminding me of the covenants I have mad with my father in heaven and the blessings that I receive when I do keep the covenants..THAT IS MY PROTECTION…oops sorry I must ve knocked the caps button which must only mean one thing…………I WAS SHOUTING TO GET MY POINT ACROSS lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol 😉

    • ooh and I must add,,that when you ridicule and mock religion…you (and others) are Obviously mocking the person who believes in that religion because if you think the religion is absurd then the person believing it must be absurd also….and dumb for believing it…………Please feel free to correct me if I am way off the mark! xx

    • Tracey, I don’t believe anyone in the LDS Church ever specifically used the word “magic” when they described the protection afforded by garments when I was a member. The word “magic” is used by others, specifically after hearing multiple testimonies at Fast and Testimony Meeting about how the garments provided physical protection from fire, stabbings, shootings, etc. Those were certainly VERY common when I was an active member. I suspect that through the 1980s or so you could probably find stories in the Ensign or the Liahona or other church magazines and in manuals that described the physical protection from harm the garments somehow afforded. This is one of the primary reasons why those of us who mock them refer to them as “magic.” Most if not all of the things done or claimed in church to be miraculous are very little different from “magical” claims by religious folks who practice voodoo or other so-called “primitive” religions.

      As to mocking you, I have made it clear, that I find the beliefs you hold to be worthy of being mocked and ridiculed. They are baseless, senseless, will not withstand investigation, cannot be explained in a rational way, etc. They are literally ridiculous. You, as a human being, have value. You have the ability to love and to be loved, to think for yourself, to read, to write, to produce something of value for your family and community. You are not ridiculous. You may believe some ridiculous things, but that is not a reason to ridicule you personally. Children who believe that the sun goes around the earth, or that the earth is flat, are not to be ridiculed for their beliefs. They are to be taught. Some may never believe the earth is round, but that would not detract from the person’s inherent worth.

      Young children might for example believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc. largely because their parents who don’t actually believe in the reality of these things have taught the children to believe them. The parents have their reasons for telling the children about Santa, some of it is for fun, and sometimes (like in December) they can extort good behavior out of the children by telling them Santa is watching. Should we mock or ridicule the children? No, of course not. They will figure it out soon enough. But, we don’t have to seek them out and tell them either. However, if children come to my home and directly ask me if I believe in Santa, I tell them no.

      I didn’t seek you out, Tracey, you came here to my website.

      Interestingly, in the LDS Church there is a close analogy to the parents knowing that Santa isn’t real, but telling their children he is real. In the early 1920’s an LDS General Authority named B.H. Roberts (who was also the church’s Assistant Historian) did some exhaustive research to prove the historical accuracy of the Book of Mormon. He was distraught to find out he couldn’t do it, and in fact made a two-day presentation of his findings that the Book of Mormon is NOT historically accurate to the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. The FP and Q12 did not dispute any of his findings, but rather filed the report away, never to see the light of day until long after everyone present was dead. His report was published in 1985 by the University of Illinois Press, (notice it was NOT published by the church or any of its official organs). The book is called Studies of the Book of Mormon.

      So, to me, the interesting analogy is this: Just like many parents know there is no Santa Claus, but tell their children there is, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles know that the Book of Mormon is NOT historically accurate, but they claim that it is.

      I am not mocking or ridiculing you. I don’t think you are dumb. I do think if you would seek out for yourself to learn the truthfulness of various Mormon claims (Book of Abraham, Book of Mormon, etc.) that you would learn quite a bit. And, consider one additional thing. If I have a book “Flat Lander’s Book of Truth” and I claim it contains the great truths of the world and you will learn a great deal by reading it and following its precepts, that’s a pretty bold claim. If you chose to read it, and found it said things that were both impossible to verify and highly improbable, you would be unlikely to believe it. But, if my book had a special test that you could apply to this book, and that test was the only way to know of its truthfulness, you might be a little suspicious that I’m fudging something. You would probably want to use the same skills and methods you have for determining truthfulness of other things. You would use reasoning, logic, etc. If my book made claims that could be tested scientifically or through well-established academic procedures, you might want to use that science or those academic procedures to test my book. If my book failed those tests, you would be unlikely to believe it, EVEN if my book said “but I have this special test for you to use, and this test is the ONLY way to know this book is true, don’t trust science, don’t use any form of critical analysis, just use the test.” Here’s the test. After reading this book, if you smash your thumb with a hammer, and your thumb hurts, then you know the book is true. If you smash your thumb and it doesn’t hurt, then try smashing your pinky finger or some of your toes.”

      So, I’m sure you can see where this is going. Check it out. Find out what the linguistic evidence, the archeological evidence, the metallurgical evidence, the record of animals and crops in the Western Hemisphere, and many other things can teach you about the historical accuracy of the Book of Mormon. Find out about the actual translations by Egyptian scholars that have been made of some of the Book of Abraham scrolls. Do some research to see if the claims made in Mormonism hold up. Many, many early church leaders made all sorts of claims that the teachings of the church would withstand any scientific or other scrutiny. The church leaders don’t say those things nowadays, because they know unequivocally that the teachings are false, and are provably false.

      But, as I said, I’m not mocking or ridiculing you, personally. Just mocking the silliness of wearing magical underwear. (And, for the record, I’m wearing a garment top under my shirt right now.) :-)

      Best wishes.

    • and where does faith come into all this?????

    • The question of “where does faith come into all this?” is a fair question. Faith is one of those words that has multiple definitions and within those definitions many other shades of meaning. Therefore, whenever I have discussed faith with people holding religious convictions I have asked that we start with an agreed upon definition, so we know what we’re actually talking about. Invariably, however, the definition changes, often multiple times during the discussion, and becomes almost an “I believe it because I want to believe it.” If that is a person’s position, that’s fine, I just think the person should be honest enough to admit that they are intentionally believing something that has virtually no credibility. But, that said, I’ll give you my thoughts, and I’ll try to be brief.

      Some suggest that faith is a belief in something in the absence of evidence to support that belief. This is CLEARLY not what the LDS Church intends it to mean because they offer LOTS of evidence: Book of Mormon, Sunday School manuals, General Conference talks that purport to “prove” one point or another of the gospel, testimony of leaders, etc. Clearly, the definition of faith sought by the LDS Church is something that relies on evidence (even if it is not sufficient to PROVE the point).

      Taken out of the church setting, I can say that I have faith that my wife loves me. Because I cannot get inside her head and KNOW absolutely that she loves me, I look at the evidence (she’s stayed married to me for nearly 30 years, does nice things for me, tells me she loves me, is intimate with me, works with me on common goals, etc.) and that suggests that she loves me, but it doesn’t prove it. I could, for example, hire a woman to do all the things my wife does, who would do it all for money. Based on my long and close observation of my wife’s behavior, I have faith that she loves me. If there were clear evidence to the contrary, however, my faith that she loved me would be significantly lessened, and perhaps shattered altogether. So, if my wife left me to live with another man, and became hostile or violent any time our paths crossed, if she told all of our friends that she hated me and wished me dead, etc. that evidence would rightfully damage my faith. It might be possible that my wife still loved me, but in the face of all the evidence to the contrary, it would be foolhardy to believe this, unless there was some other compelling evidence that accounted for her behavior (a brain tumor, etc.)

      So, in the case of the Church, in the 19th Century it told its members that the American Indians were descendants of Lamanites, who were in fact Israelites. That was reasonably plausible among a certain group of folks in the 1840s and 1850s. Now, however, DNA testing shows unequivocally that American Indians are NOT descendants of Israelites. Similarly, linguists have said that the languages of the American Indians are NOT related to any Middle Eastern language (which would clearly be detectable after 1500 years). There was no steel or iron in the New World before Columbus came. No horses, etc. Had there been battles where tens of thousands of Nephites and Lamanites fought with steel weapons on a hill in New York state, some remnants and relics would still be there to be discovered. There are dozens or hundreds of other examples that could be cited as evidence AGAINST the historical accuracy of the Book of Mormon.

      Faith should not be used to believe something that all reasonable evidence tells you is untrue. Faith in something that has no credibility whatsoever is not virtuous. If I had great faith and therefore believed in both Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (who you cannot prove do not exist), you would not think my beliefs were worthy of veneration and respect. You would think my beliefs were just wrong, and possibly even harmful if my obsession was too strong.

      There is no credible evidence to support the existence of Santa Claus, and much evidence and rational thought to suggest he is fictional, therefore you don’t believe, even though if Santa existed that would be really fantastic. Still, you can’t make yourself believe in him now (as you may have as a child).

      Faith should be used to go the “extra mile” to believe something supportable and probable (i.e. my wife really does love me) not to support a belief in something the evidence utterly contradicts (i.e. the Book of Mormon is historically accurate; Santa is a real; etc.)

    • “Where does faith come in to all of this”.

      Tracey, that is an excellent question, and I hope the kind Bishop will forgive me barging over here to answer it.

      Faith is a funny thing. Where does faith come into any evaluation of truth? It comes in at the beginning, but should not come in later. Let me explain.

      Let’s say we want to evaluate if continental drift is real. We have faith that it is; and that faith causes us to take an action. Namely we go forward with an experiment. But once we the faith to start the experiment, we cannot tamper with the results with faith, or we make our experiment invalid.

      i.e. if I want to test if I am actually a rabbit, if I start the test, believing I’m a rabbit; that’s just fine. But when I find that rabbits have long ears, and I don’t have long ears, if I apply faith that I will have ears one day… well, I’ve just invalidated the test I was running.

      You can see how someone can come to any conclusion using “faith”.

      I prefer to use the word “Trust”. In place of faith, to remove ambiguity. Trust in God; which is what I think you really mean, is a much more solid question; and if that is what you are getting at, I’d be happy to explain why I lost trust in God, in the church leadership, and in the local leadership.

      But faith shouldn’t be applied in the middle of an experiment (Which the book of mormon and the leadership encourage) only at the beginning.

    • at one time in my life i tried to be a part of that religion what a mistake i could not overcome the shame and be seen anywhere wearing the clown suit undies i quickly left and now have no religious cults in my life, knocking a mormon bishop on his ass was one of the best thing i have ever done in my life

    • Thank you for your comment. We are glad you have managed to avoid cult indoctrination. We do not, however, condone violence toward anyone and are dismayed by your act of physical violence toward a COJCOLDS leader.

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