Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • M. Russell Russell M – Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles 1 comment
    Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M

    Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M

    M. Russell Russell M

    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Elder(s) M. Russell Russell M is/are conjoined twins, connected at the hip, each with control of his/their one set of legs.  He/they have only one set of sexual organs, but two anuses.  Both of the heads claim to be M. Russell and that the other one is Russell M.  One of the heads claims that he/they are two distinct individuals, the other says that he/they are one distinct individual with multiple personality disorder, and that the other head has the personality disorder and should be put into a mental hospital.  This does cause some problems in Quorum of the Twelve Apostles meetings, in determining how many votes M. Russell Russell M should get and whether he/they should be referred to as “Elder” or “Elders” M Russell Russell M.  A compromise solution of sorts has been worked out, in that when he/they are sitting, only one chair is occupied, so he/they are considered one individual.  When offering sustaining votes, however, he/they is/are considered two individuals since he/they has/have four total arms.

    One of the two heads attended medical school and became a first-rate surgeon, while the other worked as a short order cook to pay his twin’s tuition.  Animosity between the two reached dangerous levels, until they reached the compromise position of going into the ministry.  “It has worked out well for both of us,” said one of the heads.  “My experience cutting people open prepared me to make never-ending appeals for increased tithing from the members, while his experience working in the kitchen prepared him for an eternity in hell.”  “Oh, bite me,” responded the other head.  “I’m the doctor, you liar.  Go make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”  Some animosity remains.

    One of the heads was married briefly to a two-way mirror named Helen, but the marriage ended tragically when Helen either fell, jumped, or was thrown to the pavement from the top seat in a double ferris wheel.  The marriage produced no children.

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