Lorenzo M. Ballard - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Lorenzo M. Ballard

Lorenzo M. Ballard

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Ballard is the Chairman of the Strengthening the Members Committee for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.  The committee’s activities include gathering information on members who are in any way having difficulties or causing problems.  The members so identified are then hunted down and bull-whipped.  Elder Ballard often sings old Hank Williams yodeling tunes during the bull whippings.

Ballard travels extensively for the Church, always alone, except for his trusty horse, Spangles.  “It ain’t easy being a singing cowboy apostle to the Morons,” he recently told a newspaper in New Jersey, “but somebody’s got to do it.”

Ballard rarely makes it to General Conference, but made an appearance a few years ago and demonstrated his ability with a six-shooter by attempting to shoot apples off the heads of some of his fellow Apostles.  (This trick necessitated changing the name of what had formerly been the Quroum of the Eighteen Apostles.)