Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Hunter W. Howard – Church Patriarch – Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Other Leaders No comments

    Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard

    Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard

    Hunter W. Howard

    Church Patriarch – Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone

    The responsibilities of the Church Patriarch in the Latter Day Saint movement have varied considerably over the years.  Some say that Hunter W. Howard, the current Church Patriarch of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has taken advantage of this confusion for the purpose of lining his own pocket by charging church members for “special” blessings.  “I don’t see it that way at all,” explained Howard.  “I have found that if members pay hard-earned money for their blessings, they appreciate them more.  And, the more they pay, the more they appreciate them.”

    “I give blessings to the family members of General Authorities for half price,” said Howard.  “They’re a bunch of cheap bastards and never want to pay full price for anything.”  In one recent blessing to a grandchild of President Gordon B. Hinky, Howard promised the young man that he would have an opportunity in this lifetime to vote John Quincy Adams into a second term in the White House.  In a blessing to one of M. Russell Russell M’s cousins, he promised the young woman that she would one day walk naked across the Atlantic Ocean from Charleston, South Carolina to Liverpool, England.

    Howard is also the Keeper of the Sacred Seer Stone and uses the Sacred Seer Stone when giving these special blessings.  He is responsible to have it handy whenever President Monsoon wants to use it to receive written instructions from the Big Guy Upstairs.  “I’ve lost the damned thing several times,” confides Howard, “and whenever I do, I just go out to some rock pile somewhere and get another.  One works as well as the next.”

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