Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Partial Transcript Released

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Transcripts No comments

    The General Authorities and staff members of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints have been busy listening to many of  the Plastic Cassette Audio Tapes (see story here) that have been recently delivered to Church Headquarters, that production of actual transcripts of the tapes has been rather slow going.  Here is a partial transcript of a tape.  It provides insights (but no definitive proof or answers) as to how the Prophet Joseph screwed up the restoration so badly. Please note: although all tapes are labeled and appear to be dated, the labels and dates do not correspond to any known numbering or calendaring system, those numbers and dates are provided here to verify their authenticity.

    Tape Number: Tickle Me, Emma, Tickle Me Right There

    Date of Recording: Blood, Sausage, Virgins and Liquor

    MORON:    It is time.  We must plan the restoration.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, hi, Angel Dude.  My seer stone told me you were coming.

    MORON:    It talks now?

    JOSEPH:    Sometimes.  Sure, talks, lights up, plays music, I can even send messages on it to others who have seer stones.

    MORON:    I’m sure that will come in handy, now, the Big Guy Upstairs sent me to talk about planning the restoration.

    JOSEPH:    I’m ready, what’s first?

    MORON:    Maybe you should get a pen and paper, you know, take some notes.  It’s kinda complicated.

    JOSEPH:    Not to worry, I have a photographic memory.

    MORON:    I am worried, photography hasn’t been invented yet.  Get a pencil.

    JOSEPH:    Look, Angel, how could I possibly screw this up with both you and the Big Guy Upstairs directing me.

    MORON:    You’ll find a way.

    JOSEPH:    I don’t need to take notes.

    MORON:    Fine, how’s the translation coming?

    JOSEPH:    Translation?

    MORON:    Yeah, how far have you progressed?

    JOSEPH:    Remind me again about this translation.

    MORON:    The gold plates.  I gave you gold plates to translate, remember.

    JOSEPH:    Vaguely.

    MORON:    It’s only been two weeks.  How could you have forgotten?

    JOSEPH:    No, no, I haven’t forgotten, they’re around here somewhere.

    MORON:    Well, let’s take a look at them, we can work on the translation together.

    JOSEPH:    I’m not sure where they are right at the moment.

    MORON:    Well you better find them.

    [background noises, people moving around, moving furniture, etc.]

    JOSEPH:    Here they are.  Is this them?

    MORON:    That’s the Bible.  It’s already been translated.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, I meant this.

    MORON:    That’s “View of the Hebrews” by Ethan Smith.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, yeah, well, those plates are around here somewhere, don’t you worry.

    MORON:    We’re supposed to be planning the restoration of the Gospel.  Those plates are a big part of that.

    JOSEPH:    Yeah, I know that.  I’ve got them, they’re here somewhere.

    EMMA:    Joseph, time for dinner.

    JOSEPH:    Hey, look, Angel, can you come back in a few days or something, I’ve got to go to dinner.

    MORON:    [Expletive redacted]

    EMMA:    Joseph, NOW!

    JOSEPH:    Really, I gotta go, but I’ll get right on that translation thing, first chance I get.

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