Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Esra “Daffy” Benzon – President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    President Benzon was a skilled barber.

    President Benzon was a skilled barber.

    Esra “Daffy” Benzon

    President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Daffy Benzon is senile, there is no question about it, he has been for years.  Everyone knows it.  It’s not a secret.  He is closely watched and carefully supervised at all times.  Prior to his senility Benzon was just plain nuts, hence the name “Daffy.”

    Benzon grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and served as a missionary for that church in a number of countries, many of whom asked him to leave because of his bizarre behavior.  His missionary companions indicate that Daffy was initially just “an odd duck” but think his habit of eating the disinfectant cakes he found in urinals in public restrooms may have contributed to his “craziness.”

    Daffy never married, and as far as we know, never had any children, but in his younger years dated many women, but rarely got a second date.  Daffy’s older sister thinks she knows why.  “Daffy’s idea of a date was to cover himself in processed American cheese and then hide in the bushes outside the girl’s home.  Some of the heftier girls were kind of into that on the first date, but they usually wanted some other kind of cheese for the second date, like cheddar or pepper jack, but Daffy only liked processed American cheese.”

    In recent years Benzon has only given two talks in General Conference.  Last year’s entire talk was just one sentence: “When I pee, sometimes it makes me think I can fly.”  Three years ago at General Conference Benzon spoke quite eloquently for 30 seconds on the importance of good manners.  Then he pulled a live newborn puppy from his pocket, ate it, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

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