Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Dieter F. Achtung – 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    First Prez No comments
    President Dieter F. Achtung

    President Dieter F. Achtung

    Dieter F. Achtung

    2nd Counselor in the First Presidency

    Achtung was called into the First Presidency for his strict interpretation of Moron Doctrine.  Known as a harsh disciplinarian, with a violent temper many outside the faith are stunned by his career choice in the ministry.  Achtung had an early career in research that was never fully satisfying for him.

    Born Delroy Malcolm Clark on the island of Jamaica, Achtung never knew his father, who was believed to be a German sailor who frequented the Caribbean region.  Young Delroy Clark could never come to grips with his parentage or his race, and fabricated an elaborate back story of who he really was.  He worked menial jobs such as hauling pig intestines to local orphanages to earn money for plastic surgery to transform himself.  Achtung frequently uses stories of his humble beginnings in his General Conference talks, like the one about working as a vomit taster for a Haitian pharmaceutical company.  “Tasting other people’s vomit in the interest of medical science humbles a man,” explained Achtung.  “I worked at that job for over seven years, tasting both human and animal vomit before I learned it was all a practical joke.  The good thing about it was that my supervisor, Dale Lynn Hoax, also helped me land this job.”

    Delroy changed his name to Achtung after the successful plastic surgery, again crediting Elder Hoax with the results.  “When the plastic surgeon asked me what I wanted to look like when the surgery was done, I didn’t really know.  My friend Dale Lynn Hoax suggested this face, and I have been popular ever since.”

    Achtung’s responsibilities for the Church include special nighttime visits to less active members.  “Initially they are frightened, but after I offer them a nice meal of beef, boiled potatoes and sauerkraut, they begin to soften up.”  Achtung has received several gun shot wounds as a result of his nighttime visits, but he usually takes M Russell Russell M with him nowadays, so surgery can be performed in the car on the way to the hospital.

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