Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Boyle K. Pecker – Acting President of the Twelve

    Posted on April 7th, 2009 admin    Apostles No comments
    Boyle K. Pecker

    Boyle K. Pecker

    Boyle K. Pecker

    Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

    Pecker is one of the meanest, cruelest, most hate-filled people on the planet today.  And as he explains, this is by his personal choice.  “My parents, the Jensens were soft-hearted Latter Day Saint people and as is usual, other Latter Day Saints took advantage of them something awful.  They gave me this name in hopes that I would grow up to be an arrogant, self-centered prick, and I haven’t disappointed them.”

    Pecker has also tried to be actively involved in politics throughout his life, but has never found a political party or group of individuals that were nasty enough.  “Sure, we had Dick Cheney, and that was a good start, Cheney is almost pure evil, but ‘almost’ isn’t good enough for me.”

    Pecker had varied career interests before becoming a General Authority.  “I was a crossing guard near an elementary school, where I would throw soft mushy food at children who crossed too slowly.  I was a morning orderly at a nursing home where my primary job was to wake the residents at 5:30 with a bucket of cold water.  And, I worked various customer service jobs for the government in which I told people they were in the wrong line.”

    Not surprisingly, Pecker has never married, never had sex, and still wets the bed.  He sucks his thumb for an hour every night, then puts on his “Magic Pajamas” and goes to bed, sleeping with the light on all night.

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