Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
RSS icon Email icon Home icon
  • Audio Recordings Delivered

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Happenings, Plastic Cassette Audiotapes 1 comment

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Three of the boxes of tapes (two containing the Large Tapes of Moron I and one containing the Small Tapes of Moron I) are displayed adjacent to their secret hiding place in Church Headquarters.

    Restoration of Restoration Continues Through Audio Recordings

    Because the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is a restoration of the restoration screwed up by Joseph Smith (founder of the Latter Day Saint movement widely known for telling lies), the Angel Moron I has recently delivered to Moron Church Headquarters several crates of Plastic Cassette Audiotapes of conversations and interviews involving various leaders in the Latter Day Saint movement.  “I haven’t counted the tapes, but a good many of them involve Joseph Smith,” said the angel.  When asked why the tapes were being delivered now, Moron explained further, “Well, Joe screwed up so many things, and Brigham, well, just don’t get me started on that fool.  Anyhow, since the time for the restoration of the restoration has come, the Big Guy Upstairs thought it would be useful for the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints, the One True Church, to use the information on the tapes to restore the restoration.”

    The angel also explained that after church employees had made verbatim transcripts of the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes (without making audio copies of them) they were to be returned to him so they could be placed with the Golden Plates in the Hill Cummorah.  “I didn’t really have a good reason for putting the Golden Plates back in the side of the hill, but I want to be consistent about these things, so I’m taking these back also,” said Moron I.

    When questioned about how audiotape recordings could have been made in the 19th century, Moron I explained, “This Latter Day Saint movement is all about anachronisms.  Anachronisms don’t bother us because we know the kind of power the Big Guy Upstairs has.  If it’s His will, it will be done.”  The angel then went on to say that because there may be some few doubters that the tapes are legitimate, he has provided the photographic evidence above, as well as the “Testimony of the Three Witnesses” below.  (He’s hoping to round up eight more equally reliable witnesses to produce a second witness statement in the near future.)

    Testimony of the Three Witnesses

    Be it known unto all folks everywhere: That we, with special permission from an angel we have seen the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes which contain interviews, conversations and other neat stuff involving Joseph Smith, Emma Smith, Brigham Young, the Angel Moron I, and others. And we also know that they have been recorded by the gift and power of the Big Guy Upstairs, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have heard a portion of the recordings with our spiritual ears by the power of the Big Guy Upstairs, and not of man. And we declare with words of soberness (despite the fact that we’ve all been drinking heavily this evening), that an angel came down from heaven, and he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes; and we know that it is by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs through the mediation of an angel that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of the Joseph Smith himself commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in doing this thing, we shall get more liquor from the angel, and be found drunk in an alley in the morning.  And the honor be to Joseph Smith, and to the Angel, and to Adam from the Garden of Eden, which is one God. Amen.

    S. Tommy Monsoon
    Esra “Daffy” [surname withheld pending competency evaluation]
    Cliff the Wino

    Email This Post Email This Post
     

    1 responses to “Audio Recordings Delivered” RSS icon

    • Salamandar Society, third hand stolen property
      If Joseph Smith had the Internet

      03/02/2007 – submitted by Iconoclast of Recovery from Mormonism
      Sister Mary Lisa Nails’ It (from her blog)

      If Joseph Smith had the Internet…..
      Helen Mar Kimball sits on her bed, computer in her lap.
      sweetiepie14 (online)

      Suddenly a pop-up message appears on her computer screen: nastyboyJS wants to chat ~ ACCEPT/DENY ~ She accepts.

      nastyboyJS: hi. got your address from heber.
      sweetiepie14: my dad?? who is this?
      nastyboyJS: brother joseph
      sweetiepie14: oh! hi!!! wow!
      nastyboy14: how RU?
      sweetiepie14: ur a nastyboy???
      nastyboyJS: j/k – a joke i made up LOL
      sweetiepie14: lol
      nastyboyJS: R u alone?
      sweetiepie14: yes. why?
      nastyboyJS: ur sweet
      sweetiepie14: LOL
      nastyboyJS: and pretty
      sweetiepie14: lol
      nastyboyJS: when ur dad talks 2 u tonite, listen 2 him
      sweetiepie14: what RU talking about?
      nastyboyJS: just remember i talk with god, K?
      sweetiepie14: k
      nastyboyJS: & god tells me what to say
      sweetiepie14: k
      nastyboyJS: ur perfect
      sweetiepie14: ROFL – no
      nastyboyJS: i saw you last week in your white dress
      sweetiepie14: oh
      nastyboyJS: you looked so pure and innocent
      sweetiepie14: thx i think ur cute!
      nastyboyJS: thats good. real good.
      sweetiepie14: gotta help mom – ttyl
      nastyboyJS: listen 2 ur dad – a commandment by God
      sweetiepie14: k cya

      Joseph Smith sits at his computer in a hidden location (for his safety).
      fanny4U has signed in

      nastyboyJS: hi F
      fanny4U: hi lover
      nastyboyJS: where RU?
      fanny4U: @ ur house w/ Emma
      nastyboyJS: WTF!
      fanny4U: she asked me 2 help her
      nastyboyJS: RU OK?
      fanny4U: yes – we R BFF again
      nastyboyJS: don’t trust Emma!!
      fanny4U: why?
      nastyboyJS: get outa there now! don’t say anything!
      fanny4U: K – she’s coming – brb
      nastyboyJS: GET OUT NOW
      fanny4U: xoxo ttfn
      fanny4U has signed out

      OrsonHide has signed in
      ZinaBaby has signed in
      elizaRsnow has signed in

      OrsonHide: hi Joe
      nastyboyJS: Orson! guess what?
      OrsonHide: what?
      nastyboyJS: ur going to jerusalem!
      OrsonHide: WTF? A mission?
      nastyboyJS: as revealed to me by god
      OrsonHide: but what about Marinda?!
      nastyboyJS: ur wife’ll be taken care of. TRUST ME.
      OrsonHide: i guess if god wills it…..
      nastyboyJS: oh he does, he does.

      nastyboyJS: Zina! Hi!
      ZinaBaby: Hi
      nastyboyJS: whatcha doin?
      ZinaBaby: chatting w/ Henry
      nastyboyJS: U should chat w/ me only
      ZinaBaby: but he’s my husband
      nastyboyJS: about that…..
      ZinaBaby: ?
      nastyboyJS: I dont WANT plural marriage
      ZinaBaby: I know, me neither! lol
      nastyboyJS: BUT…
      nastyboyJS: an angel came 2 me with flaming sword last nite. if i don’t do this i’ll lose my position and my life!
      ZinaBaby: Wow! RU serious??
      nastyboyJS: Lord made known to me UR 2B my celestial wife
      ZinaBaby: i’ll have to pray about this
      nastyboyJS: good idea, then you’ll know the truth i speak
      ZinaBaby: what will Henry say if god wills it?
      nastyboyJS: he follows god 2 – all will be well
      ZinaBaby: i better go pray
      nastyboyJS: lemme know asap
      ZinaBaby: brb (praying)

      elizaRsnow: hi babe
      nastyboyJS: hi e
      elizaRsnow: i wrote you another poem
      nastyboyJS: kewl
      elizaRsnow: inspired by last nite
      nastyboyJS: u rawked my world! lol
      elizaRsnow: i may be old, but i’ve got skilz LOL
      nastyboyJS: can’t wait to see poem
      elizaRsnow: i can’t believe emma didn’t catch us!
      nastyboyJS: we can’t let that happen
      elizaRsnow: i made ur bed this morning and thought of u
      nastyboyJS: thx for helping emma at home
      elizaRsnow: if it means i’m closer to u, then its all good
      nastyboyJS: gotta run
      elizaRsnow: luv u
      elizaRsnow has signed out

      OrsonHide: RU sure??? jerusalem is so far….
      nastyboyJS: god wills it
      OrsonHide: Y not Chicago?
      nastyboyJS: god wills it
      OrsonHide: Marinda is scared
      nastyboyJS: i’ll personally take care of her
      OrsonHide: k…i guess if god wills it…
      nastyboyJS: never fear u will be blessed
      OrsonHide has signed out

      EmmaHS has signed in
      HeberC has signed in

      HeberC: i talked 2 her like u said
      nastyboyJS: and?
      HeberC: she didn’t want 2 @ 1st
      nastyboyJS: did u tell her like i told you 2?
      HeberC: yes – salvation 4 all of us if she will
      nastyboyJS: and?
      HeberC: i told her 2 think on it for 24 hrs
      nastyboyJS: lemme know ASAP
      HeberC: she’s a good girl – she’ll say yes
      nastyboyJS: i hope so as god wills it
      HeberC: i know – and i wanna be saved!
      nastyboyJS: it depends
      HeberC: gonna go talk 2 her again
      nastyboyJS: u do that
      HeberC has signed out

      EmmaHS: hi babe
      nastyboyJS: hi u sexy thang
      EmmaHS: u know it!
      nastyboyJS: gonna B gone 2nite
      EmmaHS: not again! Y?
      nastyboyJS: more of lords work
      EmmaHS: :(
      nastyboyJS: i may B gone 3 nites
      EmmaHS: im not 2 happy
      nastyboyJS: b strong
      EmmaHS: its hard
      nastyboyJS: ur my light, my life
      EmmaHS: i know
      nastyboyJS: god will bless u
      EmmaHS: fanny was here
      nastyboyJS: oh?
      EmmaHS: we R friens again
      nastyboyJS: b nice!
      EmmaHS: Y should i?
      nastyboyJS: i told you 2 thats Y
      EmmaHS: u better stay away from her
      nastyboyJS: of course lol
      EmmaHS: im not lol
      nastyboyJS: k i promise 2 stay away
      EmmaHS: gotta run
      nastyboyJS: luv u – cya in 3 days
      EmmaHS: as u should
      EmmaHS has signed out

      sweetiepie14: u still here?
      nastyboyJS: HI!!!
      sweetiepie14: my dad told me
      nastyboyJS: and?
      sweetiepie14: Y do u want me??
      nastyboyJS: god wills it
      sweetiepie14: will it save my kindred?
      nastyboyJS: oh yes – salvation for all
      sweetiepie14: im scared
      nastyboyJS: god will provide – ur a good daughter of god
      sweetiepie14: if it will save my family…..
      nastyboyJS: say yes and be saved
      sweetiepie14: and my family 2 right?
      nastyboyJS: its the only way
      sweetiepie14: i guess i will then
      nastyboyJS: ur a good girl
      nastyboyJS: u will be saved now
      nastyboyJS: 2morrow nite we will b sealed 4ever
      sweetiepie14: 2morrow nite!
      nastyboyJS: god says it has to be 2morrow nite
      nastyboyJS: ill take good care of you my sweet
      nastyboyJS: i promise u eternal salvation
      sweetiepie14: im scared!
      nastyboyJS: im a prophet of god – b not afraid
      sweetiepie14: k i guess
      nastyboyJS: follow the prophet and b saved
      sweetiepie14: 4 my family
      nastyboyJS: oh 1 more thing
      sweetiepie14: ?
      nastyboyJS: cant tell Emma – god said 2 keep us a secret
      sweetiepie14: y?
      nastyboyJS: its gods will u keep it secret 4 my safety
      sweetiepie14: if god says so then k
      nastyboyJS: i look forward 2 us 2morrow
      sweetiepie14: cya
      sweetiepie14 has signed out

      ZinaBaby: back
      nastyboyJS: did u pray?
      ZinaBaby: yes
      nastyboyJS: and?
      ZinaBaby: i was told its true
      nastyboyJS: came from god
      ZinaBaby: this is hard
      nastyboyJS: im not about 2 make that angel mad! r u?
      ZinaBaby: but I luv henry
      nastyboyJS: me 2 – but god wills it
      ZinaBaby: henry knows god wills it
      nastyboyJS: R u sure?
      ZinaBaby: yes
      nastyboyJS: k – i’ll be there 2morrow a.m.
      ZinaBaby: so soon?!
      nastyboyJS: u didn’t c that angel
      ZinaBaby: k
      nastyboyJS: i cant wait 2B sealed 2 u
      ZinaBaby: god wills it
      nastyboyJS: and im a prophet of god – follow me n b saved
      ZinaBaby: k ttyl
      nastyboyJS: oh – god said dont tell Emma
      ZinaBaby: k i promise cya
      ZinaBaby has signed out

      Joseph logs out and prepares to depart.


    Leave a reply