Following the False Traditions of Our Fathers.
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  • Brother of Jared Takes Over After Jared’s Suspicious Death

    Posted on April 21st, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Administration 1 comment
    Jared Ackerman, former Co-Rector of Righteousness, presumed murderd by one or more of our General Authorities.

    Jared Ackerman, former Co-Rector of Righteousness, presumed murderd by one or more of our General Authorities.

    The First Presidency of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is saddened to announce the death of Jared Ackerman, who along with his brother, Mohanri “Morrie” Ackerman has served as Co-Rector of Righteousness.  The Co-Rector’s main duties are to screen the public remarks of our General Authorities before they give them when possible, and afterwards when necessary.  Co-Recting a bunch of senile or just plain nasty or stupid General Authorities can be dangerous work.  Evidence is mounting that one or more of the General Authorities poisoned dear “Brother Jared.”  Naturally, everyone assumes that President Boyle K. Pecker was involved in the murder.

    Mohanri "Morrie" Ackerman will serve as the Rector of Righteousness.

    Mohanri "Morrie" Ackerman will serve as the Rector of Righteousness.

    Morrie Ackerman will continue on alone, serving as Rector of Righteousness.  Brother Ackerman has stated on more than one occasion, “I’m not afraid of those crazy old bastards, and when they say stupid or racist or nasty stuff, I’ll delete it from the record.”  The position has been deemed as warranted especially in light of the attention and criticism of other Latter Day Saint churches (mostly the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for racist and homophobic comments.  This is not a new phenomenon.  In the past, the lack of a team of Co-Rectors has led to all kinds of publicly damning actions such as the institution of polygamy, denying the priesthood to non-white males, and most famously Joseph Smith’s botched attempt in the Restoration.

    “We are convinced,” said Prophet S. Tommy Monsoon, “that Co-Recting our General Authorities is the right thing to do, and will lead to a full and complete restoration of the restoration originally screwed up by Joseph Smith.”

  • Cultural Exchange and Sleep Over

    Posted on April 20th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Other Leaders 1 comment
    Pope & Mope Work a Crowd Together

    Pope & Mope Work a Crowd Together

    Our friends at the Salamander Society have produced this genuine photograph of Pope Benedict XVI and President Thomas S. Monson, President Number XVI of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, waving to crowds in Rome after the Pope hosted Monson for a sleep over recently.  Apparently the two crazy kids thought it would be fun to swap religious clothing for a few hours.  Shortly after the above picture was taken, the two changed into cut-off shorts and T-shirts and went bike riding around Rome.  Moron Church of Latter-day Saints Prophet for Eternity Gordon B. Hinky was invited to attend the sleepover, but declined, because he is dead.

    Mormon and Catholic Church spokespeople refused to give specifics of what the Pope and “Mope” did during the sleep over, but S’mores, pillow fights, and experimenting with makeup were on the agenda.  Practical jokes were thought to be part of the night’s entertainment as well, but the spokespeople quickly quieted that rumor by saying the Pope always sleeps with toothpaste in his hair, and President Monson was already planning to get a tattoo reading “Kiss Me I’m Swedish.”

  • Shout Out to Our Catholic Friends

    Posted on April 20th, 2009 admin    Other Leaders 4 comments
    Latter Day Saint Popes of the Past

    Latter Day Saint Popes of the Past

    Most people don’t realize that Latter Day Saints have had popes also.  All of you Catholics out there who have been wanting to become LDS, but were worried you wouldn’t have a pope to say bad things about can now join our church.  Please do so, and begin paying tithing immediately.

  • Staff Members Hired

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Administration 10 comments
    Cliff the WinoHead Lackey Cliff the Wino
    Apostolic Chaplain Insanad Rigdon

    Apostolic Chaplain Insanad Rigdon

    President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, announced recently that two critically important staff positions have been filled in the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints.

    Cliff the Wino, formerly a resident of an alley in downtown Salt Lake City, has been named Head Lackey.  “I’m very excited to take this position,” said Cliff.  “My full title is actually Head Lackey and All-Around Doofus.  I had to negotiate pretty hard to get that title, they wanted me just to be Lackey and General Doofus.”

    President Pecker told a charming anecdote about the Moron Church’s new Head Lackey, when he said, “I hate that bastard.  He smells like urine.”

    The second administrative position filled was the position of Apostolic Chaplain, and it was filled by Insanad Rigdon.  No one asked her for any comments, because she is a woman, and Latter Day Saints couldn’t care less what women say or think.

    President Pecker’s insightful comment about Rigdon’s appointment was, “What the hell good is a woman who has had her uterus removed?  I need a drink.”

    While the exact duties of an Apostolic Chaplain were not disclosed, it is assumed that they have something to do with helping Apostles with their all their needs.  Shortly after the press conference announcing the appointment of Cliff and Rigdon, the Apostolic Chaplain was seen pushing President Pecker’s head into a toilet and saying, “Here, drink this!”

  • Moronic Magic Underwear

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Miracles 28 comments
    Moronic Magic Underwear (male on left) (female on right).  Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.

    Moronic Magic Underwear. (Please don't masturbate after looking at this picture.)

    In the Latter Day Saint movement much has been said about our so-called “Magic Underwear.”  All sorts of truly Moronic stories circulate widely on the Internet, in Fast and Testimony Meetings, in Sacrament Meeting talks, etc. about how this magic underwear has protected people who were in fires, plane crashes, bad marriages and other disasters.

    Unfortunately, none of these stories ever provide enough detail to verify the facts of the alleged miracle in question.  Here we post several VERIFIABLE accounts of the protection provided by Moronic Magic Underwear.

    The Miraculous Story of Brother Vargan

    Brother Jim Vargan of 15542 N. Elm Street, Apt. 2C, Salt Lake City (phone number provided upon request), faithfully wore his Moronic Magic Underwear both day and night since receiving his Washing and Anointing more than 30 years ago in the Provo Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Brother Vargan was in a tragic industrial accident at his workplace in March of this year, but luckily for Brother Vargan, he was wearing his Moronic Magic Underwear.  In the accident, both of Brother Vargan’s legs were amputated at the knee and both arms amputated at the elbow, and he was decapitated.  Sister Lisa Vargan, speaking at her husband’s funeral a few days later reported that the portions of Brother Vargan’s body covered by his Moronic Magic Underwear were undamaged.

    The Miraculous Story of Bishop Roger Lewis & Sister Fern Nishbucket

    Bishop Roger Lewis of 7119 Centennial Way, Orem, UT and Sister Fern Nishbucket of 7208 Centennial Way, Orem, UT have both faithfully worn their Moronic Magic Underwear for more than 25 years, both night and day.  They were shacking up together at a cheap motel near Lake Tahoe (Lewis having told his wife he was in Phoenix on business and Nishbucket having told her husband she was in St. George visiting her sister) when their miracle happened.  Despite having been warned that they must shower before getting in the motel’s pool the couple would repeatedly have steamy, sweaty sex, then go jump naked in the motel pool to cool off.  This pushed motel manager Dave Swarengen past the breaking point, and the third time he caught them doing this, he got his gun and shot them both in the head several times, killing them instantly.

    Stake President Arthur Clancy of 5302 Parkwest Avenue, Orem, UT, spoke at the joint funeral held for the two, and noted that although motel manager Swarengen is a notoriously bad shot with a handgun, all of the bullets went into the heads of the Bishop and Ward Librarian, and did not defile the portion of their bodies normally covered by their Moronic Magic Underwear.  “So great,” said the Stake President, “is the power of Moronic Magic Underwear, that because they had so faithfully worn it for 25 years, their Moronic Magic Underwear protected the bodies of these two fine people, even when they were naked.”

    The Tragedy of Daniel Betancourt

    As a counterpoint to the miraculous stories above, Stake President Clancy shares the following story, also from his stake.
    “Daniel Betancourt, of 6613 E. Canada Ave., Orem, UT, had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for 24 years and 11 months, both night and day.  One night in January of this year he removed all of his clothing, including his Moronic Magic Underwear, and took a shower.  Unbeknownst to him, a psychotic killer escaped from custody while being transported through Betancourt’s neighborhood.  The psychotic killer broke into Betancourt’s home, grabbed two large kitchen knives and stabbed Brother Betancourt more than 150 times in the chest, back, groin and buttocks, killing him.  Every single stab wound was to an area where his Moronic Magic Underwear would have protected him, if only he hadn’t taken it off to shower.  Alternatively, if he had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for a full 25 years, like Bishop Lewis and Sister Nishbucket, instead of just 24 years and 11 months, I’m sure he would have been saved even though naked.  It’s a lesson for all of us.”

  • News Briefs

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Happenings No comments

    Idaho Falls Autopsies Completed

    On the first Sunday in April this year, the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints bishopric in Idaho Falls turned on the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for their congregation, and then went out for coffee and doughnuts.  They had intended to only be gone for about 30 minutes, but the waitress was kind of cute, and one thing led to another.  They eventually returned just as the General Conference session was ending, only to find that everyone in their congregation was dead.  Initially some sort of gas leak was suspected, but autopsies revealed that the entire congregation had been bored to death.

    Special Blessings Offered to Thousands

    “The response was just overwhelming,” said Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard.  “We had assumed maybe a few hundred people would come for the Special Blessings I was selling, I mean, offering, but we had several thousand.  The lines stretched all the way down to Pinkie’s Porn Palace, around to that door where you have to know the special knock to be admitted.”  Howard refused to rush the spirit, and each blessing took more than two hours, but the people waited nonetheless.  Because of the sacred nature of the Special Blessings, attendees had been encouraged to fast for at least two full days prior to coming for their blessing. “For the first few days most people seemed to be holding up pretty well, but after about five days the heat and the starvation was just too much, and they were dropping like flies,” said Patriarch Howard.  “Eventually I had to start giving the blessings posthumously, but when I did that, I only charged half price.”

    President Chowder Recovering After Accident

    President Oliver Chowder of the First Presidency was scheduled to speak to a group of Young Women from the Church at a Salt Lake City hotel last weekend, but went down the wrong hallway and instead ended up speaking to the “Strident Feminists for Immediate Change.”  Chowder had barely begun his remarks, speaking about the eternal and unchanging role of women to have babies for their husbands, when a freak, unexplained wind gust blew several coffee cups, and one briefcase into Chowder’s head.  Chowder was unable to finish his remarks, and was taken to a local hospital, where a complete recovery is expected.

  • Mixed Faith Families—Extremely Dangerous!

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Miracles 4 comments

    Four brothers, whose identity we need to protect, so we will call them Adam Goodson, Beelzebub Evilson, Diablo Evilson, and Evel Evilson each found religion in their life, but each found a different religion.  For the purpose of our discussion here, we’ll randomly assign the four brothers to a certain religion.  Adam Goodson, was a Latter Day Saint and followed the traditional Moronic teachings found in our beautiful and pure religion.  The other brothers found the false and horrible religions and were a Baptist, a Catholic, and a Lutheran.

    The farmland before the rain.

    The farmland before the rain.

    The brothers were farmers, farming adjacent ground, and of course the Big Guy Upstairs highly favored Adam Goodson which made his brothers jealous, but who really cares about them?  Anyhow, there was a terrible drought in the land, and Adam Goodson gathered his brothers to support him as he prayed to the Big Guy Upstairs for rain for all of their farms.  Unbeknownst to Adam Goodson, his mean-spirited brothers each prayed to their own false Gods, despite Adam’s admonishment to them that their Gods were both impotent and fictitious.

    Well, of course, the Big Guy Upstairs smiled upon Adam Goodson and sent the healthy, nourishing rain for the crops for everyone, and everything would have been fine, but the evil Baptist, Catholic and Lutheran Gods all tried to “one up” the Big Guy Upstairs and each other.  They sent much more rain than was needed, and terrible floods scourged the lands, and killed everyone for miles around.

    The farmland after the rain.

    The farmland after the rain.

    This shows the danger of one family having members of more than one religion.  The lesson is clear.  Be a Moron.  It’s the only safe way.  Don’t let your family members go other churches.  Those churches are all just the Great Whores of the Earth.  But, even if some of your family members do go to one of the Whore Churches, try to get them to pay their tithing to us.

    Remember ALL THE OTHER CHURCHES ARE WHORES so give your money to us!

  • Partial Transcript Released

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 Cliff the Wino    Transcripts No comments

    The General Authorities and staff members of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints have been busy listening to many of  the Plastic Cassette Audio Tapes (see story here) that have been recently delivered to Church Headquarters, that production of actual transcripts of the tapes has been rather slow going.  Here is a partial transcript of a tape.  It provides insights (but no definitive proof or answers) as to how the Prophet Joseph screwed up the restoration so badly. Please note: although all tapes are labeled and appear to be dated, the labels and dates do not correspond to any known numbering or calendaring system, those numbers and dates are provided here to verify their authenticity.

    Tape Number: Tickle Me, Emma, Tickle Me Right There

    Date of Recording: Blood, Sausage, Virgins and Liquor

    MORON:    It is time.  We must plan the restoration.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, hi, Angel Dude.  My seer stone told me you were coming.

    MORON:    It talks now?

    JOSEPH:    Sometimes.  Sure, talks, lights up, plays music, I can even send messages on it to others who have seer stones.

    MORON:    I’m sure that will come in handy, now, the Big Guy Upstairs sent me to talk about planning the restoration.

    JOSEPH:    I’m ready, what’s first?

    MORON:    Maybe you should get a pen and paper, you know, take some notes.  It’s kinda complicated.

    JOSEPH:    Not to worry, I have a photographic memory.

    MORON:    I am worried, photography hasn’t been invented yet.  Get a pencil.

    JOSEPH:    Look, Angel, how could I possibly screw this up with both you and the Big Guy Upstairs directing me.

    MORON:    You’ll find a way.

    JOSEPH:    I don’t need to take notes.

    MORON:    Fine, how’s the translation coming?

    JOSEPH:    Translation?

    MORON:    Yeah, how far have you progressed?

    JOSEPH:    Remind me again about this translation.

    MORON:    The gold plates.  I gave you gold plates to translate, remember.

    JOSEPH:    Vaguely.

    MORON:    It’s only been two weeks.  How could you have forgotten?

    JOSEPH:    No, no, I haven’t forgotten, they’re around here somewhere.

    MORON:    Well, let’s take a look at them, we can work on the translation together.

    JOSEPH:    I’m not sure where they are right at the moment.

    MORON:    Well you better find them.

    [background noises, people moving around, moving furniture, etc.]

    JOSEPH:    Here they are.  Is this them?

    MORON:    That’s the Bible.  It’s already been translated.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, I meant this.

    MORON:    That’s “View of the Hebrews” by Ethan Smith.

    JOSEPH:    Oh, yeah, well, those plates are around here somewhere, don’t you worry.

    MORON:    We’re supposed to be planning the restoration of the Gospel.  Those plates are a big part of that.

    JOSEPH:    Yeah, I know that.  I’ve got them, they’re here somewhere.

    EMMA:    Joseph, time for dinner.

    JOSEPH:    Hey, look, Angel, can you come back in a few days or something, I’ve got to go to dinner.

    MORON:    [Expletive redacted]

    EMMA:    Joseph, NOW!

    JOSEPH:    Really, I gotta go, but I’ll get right on that translation thing, first chance I get.

  • Corrections Received for “The Spirit of God”

    Posted on April 11th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes No comments

    The Plastic Cassette Audiotapes are continuing to produce fascinating new information about the continuing restoration of the restoration originally screwed up by Joseph Smith.  Recently information about the classic hymn “The Spirit of God” written by early Latter Day Saint, W.W. Phelps was gleaned by listening to a meeting of Joseph Smith, W.W. Phelps, and the Angel Moron One.

    The first stanza as usually sung (below) contains a few errors.

    The Spirit of God like a fire is burning;
    The latter day glory begins to come forth;
    The visions and blessings of old are returning;
    The angels are coming to visit the earth.

    The first line should make reference not to God’s spirit burning, but to his “shirt” being on fire.  Apparently God was smoking in bed and caught his shirt on fire.

    The second line attempted to explain that Smith organized the church on the wrong day, instead of April 6th, he should have formed it on the fourth as explained in the following correct transcription of the second line:

    The latter day glory begins on April fourth.

    The corrected third and fourth lines of the first stanza give some indication as to why the errors occurred in the first place.

    The old blurry vision is returning
    The beer and ale is making us burp.

    Here is the chorus as usually sung:

    We’ll sing and we’ll shout with the armies of heaven:
    Hosanna, hosanna to God and the Lamb!
    Let glory to them in the highest be given,
    Henceforth and forever: amen and amen!

    but here is the corrected version.

    We’ll drink some stout with the armies, by heaven!
    Oh shit, oh shit, the bartender wants to be paid.
    Get Gloria to give him her [censored]
    Third, fourth and forever, Oh man!  Oh man!

    The rest of the verses are equally appalling, and the song will be removed from the hymnal at the next printing.  Patrons may wish remove this hymn from existing hymnals.

  • 116 Missing Tapes!

    Posted on April 10th, 2009 admin    Plastic Cassette Audiotapes No comments

    Shocking Development – History Repeats Itself!

    The Plastic Cassette Audiotapes have been revealing and restoring incredible amounts of information in the short time since they were delivered to Church Headquarters by the angel Moron I.  Stunning news was discovered just recently that 116 of the Large Tapes of Moron I have been lost.

    “When listening to some of the Small Tapes of Moron I we were very surprised to learn that the first 116 recordings made of the Large Tapes of Moron I have been lost,” said a stunned President Dieter F. Achtung of the First Presidency at a hastily called news conference.  “As soon as we discovered this, President Monsoon immediately began a series of magic incantations including hopping on one foot to summon the angel Moron I back to explain how this could have happened,” continued Achtung.  “Unfortunately that didn’t work, but Henry [Eyeball, First Counselor in the First Presidency] had Moron I’s cell phone number and called him up and left a voice mail message.  We are waiting for him to call back.”

    Achtung explained that the First Presidency takes it as a sign from the Big Guy Upstairs that the number of tapes missing (116) is the same number as the number of pages that went missing when Joseph initially screwed up the original restoration.

    UPDATE: Moron I has called President Eyeball back, but Eyeball was talking to certain female cyclops known to be considering joining the church, so Eyeball let the angel’s call go to voice mail.  The voice mail message seems to say that nothing of any significance was lost in the original 116 tapes, but the message is difficult to understand because Moron I seemed to be riding a motorcycle while eating tortilla chips and talking all at the same time.

    SECOND UPDATE: Moron I left another voice mail message for Eyeball about the missing 116 tapes, this time he was difficult to understand because he may have been drunk, but it sounded like he said a curelom ate the missing tapes.

    More information will be provided when available.