Moron Church of Latter-day Saints

Flat Lander and Cliff the Wino Freed

Hi, Cliff here with word that Flat Lander and I have been freed.  Flat Lander put this statement on his Facebook page:

“I have been freed from the Moron Church compound. Attached is a newspaper article with some information. I hope share more information soon. Just for now, thanks for everyone’s concern. It’s great to be free!”

Here is the link to that newspaper article.  “Man Freed from ‘Crazy Mormon Cult’” Now, I know that lots of you have been worried about Flat Lander, and no one gives a fig about me, but I’m homeless again as a result of this.  I understand Flat Lander and his family are homeless, too.  But, nonetheless, I want to bear my testimony.  I know Joseph Smith screwed up the restoration of the gospel, and that through the Moron Church we had a chance to get it right.  Amen.

Patriarchal Blessings Now On Sale

Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard

Moron Church Patriarch Hunter W. Howard announced today that Patriarchal Blessings are now on sale for the special reduced price of $16.99 (a savings of $8.01) to anyone who wants one. Persons desiring (and paying for) a Patriarchal Blessing need not be members of any Latter Day Saint church, or be worthy in any way. They simply need to be desirous of knowing what the Lord God of the Universe has in mind for them, and they must pay the fee in advance.

Please contact the Moron Church via e-mail at moronchurch@gmail.com for instructions on how to submit payment. The Patriarchal Blessing will be sent out via return e-mail after payment has been received. In the Patriarchal Blessing you can expect to be told all sorts of valuable information about your future, both in this life and in the one to come. Patriarch Howard will personally supervise the random assignment of catch phrases to ultimately be assembled and e-mailed to each recipient. Patriarchal Blessings offered by the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints supersede patriarchal blessings from any other church (especially COJCOLDS, but including the Community of Christ–where they call them Evangelist Blessings).

Order your Patriarchal Blessing now. This sale won’t last.

No coupon necessary.  Not valid with any other offer.  Must be 18 to apply.  Not all applicants will qualify for our best financing terms.  See store for details.  Purchaser responsible for all taxes, tariffs and duties.  For entertainment purposes only.

The Law of Tithing Has Been Repealed

This video explains everything.

Horses were Unicorns

The only known surviving unicorn in the western hemisphere, "White Salamander," is currently owned by the angel Moron I. White Salamander is shown in the pasture near the Moron Church compound during one of Moron I's frequent visits.

Henry Eyeball, First Counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently that new scholarship has discovered that all horses mentioned in the Book of Moron (also known by COJCOLDS and other Latter Day Saint churches as the Book of Mormon) were in fact actually unicorns. “This was just another instance where Joseph Smith screwed up the restoration,” said Eyeball.

Asked why there have been no unicorn remains found anywhere in the western hemisphere, Eyeball explained, “Most were eaten by the cureloms. The only one that survived was the one ridden by the angel, Moron I. We are releasing the attached photograph as proof of the historicity of everything we teach in the Moron Church.”

More information will be released when available.

Our New Temple is Nearly Complete - Take a Video Tour

Here is a brief video tour of our nearly complete new temple.

Meet Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages

Oliver Chowder, additional counselor in the First Presidency, announced recently the appointment of Chief False: Interpreter of Ancient Pictures and Languages.  “This is an exciting time for us,” explained Chowder.  “When Joseph Smith screwed up the original restoration, he also incorrectly translated everything he touched.  Many of his incorrect translations are out-dated.  With the appointment of Chief False, we can now have our own much more modern incorrect translations.”

Chief False has extensive experience with the  Latter Day Saint movement, having been excluded from the COJCOLDS temple weddings of his siblings, nephews and nieces.  “The Mormons have excluded me from everything for years,” said False, “but that’s ok because it has given me lots of time and learn to interpret ancient pictures and languages just like Joseph Smith.  Like Brother Joseph, I have a VERY creative imagination.”

Chief False’s position is a staff position, not an ecclesiastical one, and as Department Head of the Mis-Interpretation Department, he will supervise up to one person.  He will report to Head Lackey and All-around Doofus, Cliff the Wino.  False’s interpretations will not be considered scripture, unless and until ratified as such by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.   False will have full telephathic access to the Plastic Cassette Audiotapes.  False will also be responsible for maintaining the incontinence protection supplies (adult diapers) used by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  In a previous incarnation, Chief False was sometimes known as javageek22.

Greetings from Steve Yawn!

Hello all you wonderful brothers and sisters. Right now, I thought I’d drop by and grace you all with my presence for just a few moments. Me and Tom L. Hairy are going to Bingo in just a few minutes, but I told him that the Moron Church comes first. Of course, after he guilted me into doing what he wants, I had to oblige. I certainly wouldn’t want to appear unwilling to sacrfice and serve my fellow men, now would I? So, I will be leaving now. I just had to make one quick ‘Hello’ post because that conscience of mine was tearing me up. I’ll come by again later and let you all know how Bingo went!

Moron Church Hires Arm Chair Quarterback Steve Yawn

New Moron Church Arm Chair Quarterback Steve Yawn is shown here playing in the famous "Rain Bowl" a few years ago. Yawn's team won, when all the players on the other team drowned.

President Boyle K. Pecker, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, convened a press conference in the men’s restroom at a rest area on Interstate 40 near Weatherford, Oklahoma recently to announce Steve Yawn has been hired as the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints new Arm Chair Quarterback. “Yawn played some sport or other,” said Pecker, demonstrating his keen grasp of details. Pecker was then trundled into the handicapped stall where he was instructed to urinate or have to wear a diaper for the return trip to the Moron Church compound.

Readers are probably familiar with the college and pro football standout Steve Yawn, who was better than Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Joe Gilliam, Joe Flacco, and all other quarterbacks named Joe combined. The wiry left hander could handle himself both on and off the field. Yawn is excited about assuming the position with the Moron Church. “I’m ready to get back into the game,” he said, “I like the action.” Yawn’s position will involve sitting in a chair, and sometimes writing something for the Moron Church’s exciting and informative website. Yawn’s immediate supervisor will be Cliff the Wino, and Yawn will not have keys to the church liquor cabinet.  In a break with tradition, the Moron Church hired someone who actually has some knowledge, skills, or ability in the area for which they were hired.  Yawn has been a frequent poster on ExMormonForums under the pseudonym Tommy Tummus, and will now make contributions to this website.

Please look for Yawn’s first exciting post in the near future.

First Presidency Thanks COJCOLDS Leadership for Embracing Moronism

President Henry Eyeball

President Eyeball then magnanimously invited all of the COJCOLDS General Authorities to come to the Moron Church compound for a joint meeting. “We could watch some old Gilligan’s Islands videotapes,” he said, “but if any of you have a DVD player and want to bring it and some other videos, that would be fine also.”

President Eyeball assured the invitees that would be plenty of food. “We have lots of cheese,” he said,
‘we just have to go around and collect it out of the mousetraps.”

No date for the joint meeting has yet been set.

Moron Church now has Facebook Page

Here’s the announcement of our new Facebook page